Congratulations to one of our VPs of Marketing. NBC (and the WGA strike) has given him, an aspiring TV writer, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down: to write an upcoming episode of “The Office”! Below is the first act:
INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN — MICHAEL’S OFFICE — DAY
MICHAEL sitting at his desk.
MICHAEL
(to camera)
Today, we are having a Fart of July party. It’s always been my favorite holiday and…
New character, BRENDAN, in his 40s, real Chinese-y type Chinese and hilarious, who sits in Michael’s office for some reason, whispers in Michael’s ear. Even the way he whispers is really funny to the point it makes the viewing audience laugh.
Michael thinks about what Brendan told him and, over the course of the next five minutes, he realizes what he said is wrong.
MICHAEL
Oops! I mean Fourth of July! I thought it was called Fart of July!
Michael crosses his eyes and makes a funny face.
DWIGHT enters and comes in.
DWIGHT
No, it isn’t. It’s called Fourth of July! It’s the birth of our nation (or some other nerdy factoid like that)!
MICHAEL
Well, we made those ads saying happy Fart of July and remember how we won that contest that the prize was that we could put an ad on the Superbowl? Well, the Superbowl is tomorrow and they have the ads that say Happy Fart Fart of July! We have to stop them from running those ads for the whole world to see! And why didn’t you, Dwight, correct me when we made the ads?
DWIGHT
I will go right now to the Superbowl company and get those ads off!
Runs out the door putting his coat on really funny-like.
CUT TO:
Dwight in interview room.
DWIGHT
(to camera, smirking confidently)
I’m not worried.
(he raises his left eyebrow kind of evilly)
I’ll get that ad back from the Superbowl people in no time.
(He kind of closes his eyes when he says “attain the rank” in the next line, like an arrogant person would)
I was in the military and I didn’t attain the rank of…
(When he says, “idiot” in this next line, he doesn’t realize how that rank is a double entendre for how he’s an idiot, so he doesn’t say it as if calling himself an idiot because, again–can’t stress this enough–he doesn’t realize it)
…idiot captain for nothing! Off I go!
He runs out the door and to his car. He slips and falls on the ice in the parking lot and breaks his leg.
CUT TO:
INT. REGULAR PART OF THE OFFICE — AT PAM’S DESK THING — CONTINUOUS
PAM, whose breasts are bigger than usual, and JIM conspire about pranking Dwight, who sits working at his desk.
PAM
What should we do, big boy?
JIM
I say we prank Dwight.
PAM
Mmm. I like the way ya think! I took a bunch of art classes, so I think I have an idea…
She winks and keeps shaking her hips. The BLACK GUY shakes his head in disgust in the background.
BLACK GUY
(to himself)
Jive turkeys.
Dwight is just minding his own business doing sales or whatever at his desk when a GHOST appears out of the ether.
GHOST
Dwiiiiiiiight!
DWIGHT
(nervous)
Yes, strange spirit?
GHOST
(improvises something very funny or even hilarious)
Dwight does what the ghost asks.
Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh as we realize Pam is controlling the ghost.
MICHAEL
Okay. Everyone. Let’s have a meeting!
That real nerdy HR guy comes up.
HR GUY NERD
Michael, don’t do anything wrong. I’m a wuss.
MICHAEL
(like how Michael would say it)
Will you please stop ruining this kind of thing?
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
MICHAEL
(not realizing how he’s saying something so wrong)
I do not like Jewish people.
Everyone in awkward silence. CREED slaps his forehead.
CREED
Michael, what you just said is so inappropriate! Really! I declare!
MICHAEL
I’m sorry…not!
Everyone laughs at Michael’s joke. This makes Angela put on sexier clothes than she normally wears.
The GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW stands up and says that line from a few episodes ago that was so funny:
GUY FROM DAILY SHOW
Someone didn’t take awesome lessons.
DENISE throws a hair curler.
It’s hard to say if KELLY is in the meeting.
Michael goes back to his office. The meeting is over.
PLEASE FADE TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
The HEAD GUY IN THE WAREHOUSE is sitting there doing paperwork when ANOTHER WAREHOUSE GUY walks by carrying a pole over his shoulder.
HEAD GUY
Hey, you!
OTHER GUY
Huh?
He spins around such that the pole hits Head Guy in the face (for some reason this hasn’t been done on the Office yet).
A guy named CHARLES walks in.
CHARLES
Hey, can I have a job here?
HEAD GUY
Oh, you’re that one scab worker guy that crossed the picket line when we striked last year. You worked here the whole time we were on strike. I’m not hiring you!
CHARLES
I didn’t want to cross the line, but I had to.
HEAD GUY
All right. You can work here. You were such an amazing worker anyway, I heard. You thought of great things we never did.
CUT TO:
Jim in interview room.
JIM
Office life is so mundane. Selling paper is mundane. We are stuck in dead-end jobs here in suburbia. We’re going to Chili’s for lunch. The copier’s broken. And some other mundane things.
END ACT ONE
