There are literally three sketches here. Again, one of our VPs of Marketing is in the group (Elders of The Dark Tower [of Xxoron]) and they were asked to a live spot for the Revver video site’s live event in Los Angeles this last Thursdee.
Posts Tagged ‘silly’
Elders Perform Live at Some Goethe Institut Place!
Thursday, April 10th, 2008A Question Posed to the Candidates!
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008In the Democratic presidential campaign debate two nights ago in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, hosted by the Congressional Black Caucus, the candidates were asked questions posed by the press. The one TheDirk offered was “What is 2+2?” This is what followed:
Moderator: What is 2+2?
(None of the candidates stepped forward to answer first, so the moderator pointed to Mrs. Hillary Clinton.)
Clinton: I’d be happy to answer that one. You know, one of my heroes has always been of course Frederick Douglass. You can ask Bill. I uh I know everything about him. Did you know he had kind of wild white hair? Also… But he probably answered this very question when he was just a young boy teaching himself math in the ramshackle library in his parents’ slave quarters. And he probably answered it as well as anyone could. Now, in my 35 years of service on behalf of–
Moderator: Mr. Obama, could you answer the question? What is 2+2? Just real quickly.
Obama: Absolutely. But I don’t think the American people want to hear the same old answer to the same old questions. Do I have an idea of what these two numbers added together will be when I’m in office? I’m figuring that out. But I’ll surround myself with only the best and the brightest and the most inspired to join me in changing business as usual in
Clinton: You want to be just like Ronald Reagan? Wow! And you think Reagan’s ideas are better than anything Democrats every thought of? And you want to lead a murderous cult of fanatics with Regan tattooed on their eyeballs?
Obama: Uh…no.
Clinton: Well, you just said you did! I mean…Ha! Ha! Ha! HA! You heard it, right, folks? Listen, I’ve been changing business as usual for 35 years. Come on! The question is what is 2+2! If we can’t answer that, what can we answer? And I can tell you the answer without the help of a bunch of bureaucrats. You know, John Brown Russwurm, I think I’m pronouncing that right, has of course always been one of my heroes. Russwurm, 1799 dash 1851, was an African-American abolitionist from Jamaica, known for his newspaper, Freedom’s Journal. The words “African-American,” “abolitionist,” and “Freedom’s Journal” all link to other articles particular to those subjects.
Moderator: If we can just get the answer.
Obama: Well, that’s really for the voters to decide. But hopefully those voters trust that the answer they think it is is actually the same one I think it is too. Definitely. I’m not afraid to say it. By the way, I’ll tell you one thing 2+2 is. It’s a lot less than the number of dollars we’re spending in the Iraq war, a war Hillary voted yes for.
Moderator: So you said that that is one thing 2+2 is. Are there other things 2+2 can be?
Obama: It can be up to as many as probably three other things.
Moderator: Ah ha! So can I assume you mean to say that 2+2 is four?
Obama: For? For what? For change in Washington or for business as usual? For continued erosion of our reputation throughout the world or for a return to when the United States was seen as a beacon of hope? Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we celebrate tonight, was, he was a great man and I always try to emulate him when I speak. His message of hope, his –
Clinton: He was a tremendous leader but he did need some slight amount of help to get his initiatives passed into law.
Obama: I resent that extremely racist remark.
Clinton: See, you’re using the race card to avoid the question that was asked of us. You know, one of my heroes has always been this black gentleman I don’t know the name of. And when I’m faced with a tough question such as this, I take a look in the mirror — and, by the way, it’s the type of mirror most widely used by South Carolinians, whatever that type is. There’s no other kind; it’s the best! But, anyway, I–
Moderator: 2+2, please.
Obama: Brutha! I forgot to say “brutha” in this debate so far. So there it is. I’m sorry, continue, Hillary.
Clinton: Well, I certainly will. Ha! Ha! Anyway…
Edwards: Four. The answer’s four.
(The audience applauds loudly. Clinton and Obama take note of this.)
Clinton: Four. That’s what I’ve been saying all along here. I mean ha! ha! HA! HA! HA!
Obama: I said it was four back in 2002.
An Elders Thing From Christmas!
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008We at TheDirk.com staff realized that this was not put on this site back during Christmas. Here it is now! Literally!
The Great Unanswered Jokes of Our Time!
Monday, January 14th, 2008The following are the great (so far) unanswered jokes of our time:
– How many Pollacks does it take to make a village of 4,009 Irish forget that Italians even exist?
– What do you get you when you combine Dracula with a roasted turkey in a world where Fangsgiving is simply not possible?
– What time was it, exactly, when the unusually small elephant sat on the very sturdy gate made of granite?
– What is Frankenstein’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
–A pessimist walks into a bar, orders a drink and proceeds to gulp down half of it. He then, says, “Bartender! My drink is half empty!”
An optimist then walks into the same bar and orders a drink. He also, right away, drinks half of it. “Bartender! My drink is half full!” the optimist proclaims loudly (for some reason).
A humorist then walks into the bar and also orders a drink. He then begins to tell this very joke. The optimist and the pessimist (the pessimist slightly less so) are amused in their fuzzy haze of drink to realize how their situation is just like the one being described in the joke. But before the humorist gets to the punchline, he keels over dead.
Holiday “Beg for Mercy” Podcast!
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007Click up in it to get the episode! REMEMBER: This can be (and is) quite crass.
Bathroom Euphemismz!
Thursday, November 29th, 2007Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse, if you know what I mean!
Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse. For some reason, the man is in the bathroom! Maybe he’s shitting or pissing. I’ll see if, instead, we can talk somewhere else more conducive to discussing the horse, if you know what I mean.
Jesus! I need to see a man about a horse really bad, if you know what I mean! I drank too many Canfields! Can you pull over?
Excuse me, I have to go speak to a few lawyers about the viability of suing the sculptor who misrepresented me in that statue he did of me, if you know what I mean!
Excuse me, I have to go do what a stout, mustachioed, latex shorts-wearing German man would have to do when he has to go to the bathroom, if you know what I mean!
Seriously, I’ll just see a man about a horse in those trees over there. Please just pull over! That whole thing about the Buzz Saw Killer in these woods is a myth, if you know what I mean!
Great! I just saw a man about a horse in my pants! Now, there’s what-happens-when-you-see-a-man-about-a-horse all over my suit and the car seat! Why didn’t you pull over, if you know what I mean?
It’s going to be a very long process, but I need to start talks with all the interested parties now. We’ll also discuss next steps and get a road map drawn up. This may also entail quite a bit of travel as I’ll need to start reviewing the improvements to their facilities, if you know what I mean!
A terlit
Scab “The Office” Episode!
Wednesday, November 14th, 2007Congratulations to one of our VPs of Marketing. NBC (and the WGA strike) has given him, an aspiring TV writer, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down: to write an upcoming episode of “The Office”! Below is the first act:
INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN — MICHAEL’S OFFICE — DAY
MICHAEL sitting at his desk.
MICHAEL
(to camera)
Today, we are having a Fart of July party. It’s always been my favorite holiday and…
New character, BRENDAN, in his 40s, real Chinese-y type Chinese and hilarious, who sits in Michael’s office for some reason, whispers in Michael’s ear. Even the way he whispers is really funny to the point it makes the viewing audience laugh.
Michael thinks about what Brendan told him and, over the course of the next five minutes, he realizes what he said is wrong.
MICHAEL
Oops! I mean Fourth of July! I thought it was called Fart of July!
Michael crosses his eyes and makes a funny face.
DWIGHT enters and comes in.
DWIGHT
No, it isn’t. It’s called Fourth of July! It’s the birth of our nation (or some other nerdy factoid like that)!
MICHAEL
Well, we made those ads saying happy Fart of July and remember how we won that contest that the prize was that we could put an ad on the Superbowl? Well, the Superbowl is tomorrow and they have the ads that say Happy Fart Fart of July! We have to stop them from running those ads for the whole world to see! And why didn’t you, Dwight, correct me when we made the ads?
DWIGHT
I will go right now to the Superbowl company and get those ads off!
Runs out the door putting his coat on really funny-like.
CUT TO:
Dwight in interview room.
DWIGHT
(to camera, smirking confidently)
I’m not worried.
(he raises his left eyebrow kind of evilly)
I’ll get that ad back from the Superbowl people in no time.
(He kind of closes his eyes when he says “attain the rank” in the next line, like an arrogant person would)
I was in the military and I didn’t attain the rank of…
(When he says, “idiot” in this next line, he doesn’t realize how that rank is a double entendre for how he’s an idiot, so he doesn’t say it as if calling himself an idiot because, again–can’t stress this enough–he doesn’t realize it)
…idiot captain for nothing! Off I go!
He runs out the door and to his car. He slips and falls on the ice in the parking lot and breaks his leg.
CUT TO:
INT. REGULAR PART OF THE OFFICE — AT PAM’S DESK THING — CONTINUOUS
PAM, whose breasts are bigger than usual, and JIM conspire about pranking Dwight, who sits working at his desk.
PAM
What should we do, big boy?
JIM
I say we prank Dwight.
PAM
Mmm. I like the way ya think! I took a bunch of art classes, so I think I have an idea…
She winks and keeps shaking her hips. The BLACK GUY shakes his head in disgust in the background.
BLACK GUY
(to himself)
Jive turkeys.
Dwight is just minding his own business doing sales or whatever at his desk when a GHOST appears out of the ether.
GHOST
Dwiiiiiiiight!
DWIGHT
(nervous)
Yes, strange spirit?
GHOST
(improvises something very funny or even hilarious)
Dwight does what the ghost asks.
Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh as we realize Pam is controlling the ghost.
MICHAEL
Okay. Everyone. Let’s have a meeting!
That real nerdy HR guy comes up.
HR GUY NERD
Michael, don’t do anything wrong. I’m a wuss.
MICHAEL
(like how Michael would say it)
Will you please stop ruining this kind of thing?
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
MICHAEL
(not realizing how he’s saying something so wrong)
I do not like Jewish people.
Everyone in awkward silence. CREED slaps his forehead.
CREED
Michael, what you just said is so inappropriate! Really! I declare!
MICHAEL
I’m sorry…not!
Everyone laughs at Michael’s joke. This makes Angela put on sexier clothes than she normally wears.
The GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW stands up and says that line from a few episodes ago that was so funny:
GUY FROM DAILY SHOW
Someone didn’t take awesome lessons.
DENISE throws a hair curler.
It’s hard to say if KELLY is in the meeting.
Michael goes back to his office. The meeting is over.
PLEASE FADE TO:
INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
The HEAD GUY IN THE WAREHOUSE is sitting there doing paperwork when ANOTHER WAREHOUSE GUY walks by carrying a pole over his shoulder.
HEAD GUY
Hey, you!
OTHER GUY
Huh?
He spins around such that the pole hits Head Guy in the face (for some reason this hasn’t been done on the Office yet).
A guy named CHARLES walks in.
CHARLES
Hey, can I have a job here?
HEAD GUY
Oh, you’re that one scab worker guy that crossed the picket line when we striked last year. You worked here the whole time we were on strike. I’m not hiring you!
CHARLES
I didn’t want to cross the line, but I had to.
HEAD GUY
All right. You can work here. You were such an amazing worker anyway, I heard. You thought of great things we never did.
CUT TO:
Jim in interview room.
JIM
Office life is so mundane. Selling paper is mundane. We are stuck in dead-end jobs here in suburbia. We’re going to Chili’s for lunch. The copier’s broken. And some other mundane things.
END ACT ONE
More of Those Office Humor Cliche Upgrades!
Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
Here are more office humor cliches–those things people say in response to typical office situations even though they know they’re not worth saying. Then, per usual, our staff updated each cliche to better fit our modren times.
Here:
When a coworker introduces you to their non-work friend and the friend says to you, “Oh, yeah. I’ve heard about you”:
Old: “All good things, I hope! Ha! Ha!”
New: “There’s birds about me? Huh? Oh, you’ve heard about me. Probably not good things. Ha! Ha!”
When you’re in a meeting with a client who flew in from California to your cold Midwest state:
Old: “Thanks for flying all the way from California! Did you bring any of that beautiful weather with ya? Ha! Ha!”
New: “This harsh weather depresses me something special! It’s just gray and lifeless for months! Ha! Ha!”
When you get in the elevator at the end of the work day and it luckily doesn’t stop on any other floors between your company’s floor and the parking garage.
Old: “Hey, looks like we got the express! Ha! Ha!”
New: “Hmm? Oh, this is my floor already? Sorry, I was daydreaming about what could have been! Ha! Ha!”
When you come in in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday:
Old: “Is it Friday yet? Ha! Ha!”
New: “I wish I could just get on a horse and ride and ride and ride forever, the headwind blowing the tears off my face! Ha! Ha!”
—–
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Thursday, October 11th, 2007Today, we wanted to honor a giant of humor prose and who better fits that description than Woody Allen? James Thurber. Below, we reprint his classic New Yorker piece, “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”:
“I’m going to kill myself,” the Commander muttered to himself as he stood on the wobbly chair in his sultry motel room in the middle of this endless lonely Arizona desert. “Jesus. I’m so sad. I’ll just put this noose around my neck and fall into the sweet sleep of forever…”
“Walter! What in Heaven’s name are you doing now?” barked Mrs. Mitty. Walter Mitty woke out of his daydream and looked back at his wife, in the seat beside him, with shocked astonishment. She seemed grossly unfamiliar, like a strange woman who had yelled at him in a crowd. She had gotten back into the car after finishing her hair appointment at the New Milford salon.
“Why do you have that gun to your head?” she asked.
“I’m going to kill myself,” Walter replied.
Office Humor Cliches Improved Upon!
Friday, August 18th, 2006
Okay, here are some office humor cliches–those things people say in response to typical office situations even though they know they’re not worth saying. And, assuming you don’t mind, we propose new cliches to take their place.
When Ted walks into the breakroom where you’re having a conversation with someone else:
OLD: “Right, Ted? Ha! Ha!” or “It’s Ted’s fault! Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “Hey uh…Ted.”
When grabbing a doughnut on free doughnut day:
OLD: “This is one of the ones with no calories, right? Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “I’ll eat this, I guess, but I know I’ll get this total sugar crash and get so depressed. Especially on a day like this, with all this fucking rain, pardon my French. I don’t even really like doughnuts; they’re too sweet. But…I don’t know…”
When you walk into the breakroom and a bunch of your coworkers are laughing at something they were talking about:
OLD: “You guys are having too much fun! Ha! Ha!” or “No laughing allowed! Ha! Ha!”
NEW: Ask what’s so funny and, after one of the nicer of the group takes the effort to repeat the whole dialogue, kind of shrug and say, “Guess you had to be there.”
When you have to do something like get a ream of paper, tear it open, and load it in the copier:
OLD: “Well, that’s my workout for the day! Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “It seems like everytime I use this fucking thing, pardon my French, I have to load some fucking paper in it, pardon my French.”
When out at lunch, getting burgers with coworkers, and it’s taking a slightly long time for the food to come out:
OLD: “What are they doing? Killing the cow? Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “I have so much work to do today. Ugh! Can’t stand that place.”
Whenever someone does anything that you may not have any other quick cliche response to:
OLD: “That was like on, uh, that one episode of ‘Seinfeld’! Ha! Ha!” For example, if a lizard falls from the ceiling tiles onto a monkey that someone brought into the office for some reason, refer to when Kramer did that and George gripes about when people talk to him in the bathroom, etc., because, believe us, there is an episode you can somehow match to anything that happens in life.
NEW: (Silence)