There are literally three sketches here. Again, one of our VPs of Marketing is in the group (Elders of The Dark Tower [of Xxoron]) and they were asked to a live spot for the Revver video site’s live event in Los Angeles this last Thursdee.

Ramming One’s Head Into Sculptures at Full Speed, Inc.

MEMO

March 6, 2008 

To: Marketing Team 

RE: Marketing rethink

Team,

Having been hired on as your new VP here in the Marketing department, I first want to say thank you for the welcome lunch today at Elephant Bar with all of you. I could eat that chocolate lava cake every meal of the day. Just kidding.

So, now down to business. As you know, the most recent quarter at Ramming unfortunately continued an unsettling trend we’ve had for now 9 straight quarters with us losing revenue over the quarter previous.

The question we need frankly to ask ourselves is why aren’t people ramming their head into sculptures (at FS)? That’s something we have to figure out. I know that, when I told my kids about the company I’d be working for, they said ramming one’s head into a sculpture at any speed “sounds stupid/gross/gay, etc.”

So, whatever the reason, there’s a perception out there we’re contending with.

We in marketing are charged with changing that perception. So I’d love to chat with each of you forany ideas you may have.

Some thoughts:

We haven’t yet delved into TV advertising because, from what I understand, historically the company has worried about the effect someone ramming their head into a sculpture would have visually to a TV audience. But, as is common in advertising today, we don’t have to literally show it or even really speak of it. Just show some 20-somethings hanging out in a sculpture garden, languidly looking at the stars and sitting back against each other around a camp fire, Nick Drake music playing and, after some of that, our logo softly displaying on the screen.

But on the other hand, we may want to actually be very specific in other mediums. Some new FAQs on our website dispelling the idea that we’re somehow in the business of something called “ramming one’s head into sculptures at full speed” but not literally that. I’m not sure why this confusion exists (why would someone name something else “ramming one’s head into scultpures at full speed”?), but it does.

Also, how is the lack of funding in the arts affecting our business (or “bidness” as David Letterman says for comedic affect)? With so few sculptures being commissioned in our neighborhoods anymore, potential clients are finding it harder to find the proper surface upon which the ramming should terminate. They just find themselves in a perpetual state of ram.

So, we may want to think about creating our own sculpting department. The sculptors wouldn’t have to be particularly good I don’t think. Just be able to transform a hard substance into something that would fit even the minimal standard of art (e.g., This means our sculpts wouldn’t have to convincingly and in new ways evoke war or that kind of thing to everyone who sees it. Instead, it could barely evoke something like wanting to eat and not everyone would have to “get it” either and it could technically be cliche.)

Another option here would be for us to lobby for NEA funding, etc. for sculpture parks in our communities. APparently, someone is currently doing that for us but he’s what is called insane.

So, I’ll set appointments with each of you in Outlook and we’ll brainstorm!

– Vince (my name)

Bush Reveals at End of State of Union Address that U.S. Has Been ‘Punk’d'”

Warshington, DC - Last night, during the last of his State of the Union addresses, President George Bush discussed,
among other issues, the economy, the war in Iraq and the fact that the United States had been “Punk’d” by his administration and Ashton Kutcher, host of the popular MTV prank show.

When it realized it had been the unsuspecting victim of the grand finale prank of the hit series and that the slowly rotting economy, erosion of all domestic programs, and horribly ill-advised wars were all part of an alarmingly well-choreographed seven-year-long stunt, America slapped its forehead, but then smiled, laughed, pointed at Kutcher, yelled, “You! You butt cheese!” and chased the Demi Moore boyfriend for a few good-natured minutes.

One element that might have helped the ruse last as long as it did was that MTV claimed that the May 29, 2007, show was its last. “By now, I think Americans might have caught on that Bush was doing some kind of Punk’d thing by this point if they didn’t think the show was over,” said a still-guffawing Dick Cheney. “This was way sweet!”

“It was awesome! Sitting in that truck watching the live feed of this one, seeing all those Americans freaking out over the budget surplus going under these last seven years and the Iraq war going real sour, dude!” gleed Kutcher. “This is the perfect coup de grâce for our last show!”

EXTRA

The Wire’s Snoop to Do Nude Spread in Playboy

In the Democratic presidential campaign debate two nights ago in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, hosted by the Congressional Black Caucus, the candidates were asked questions posed by the press. The one TheDirk offered was “What is 2+2?” This is what followed:

Moderator: What is 2+2?

(None of the candidates stepped forward to answer first, so the moderator pointed to Mrs. Hillary Clinton.)

Clinton: I’d be happy to answer that one. You know, one of my heroes has always been of course Frederick Douglass. You can ask Bill. I uh I know everything about him. Did you know he had kind of wild white hair? Also… But he probably answered this very question when he was just a young boy teaching himself math in the ramshackle library in his parents’ slave quarters. And he probably answered it as well as anyone could. Now, in my 35 years of service on behalf of–

Obama: But you’re avoiding the question. The American people need to know that you can be direct with them and, right now, you are not.

Moderator: Mr. Obama, could you answer the question? What is 2+2? Just real quickly.

Obama: Absolutely. But I don’t think the American people want to hear the same old answer to the same old questions. Do I have an idea of what these two numbers added together will be when I’m in office? I’m figuring that out. But I’ll surround myself with only the best and the brightest and the most inspired to join me in changing business as usual in Washington and in answering mathematical questions such as this one. One thing that Ronald Reagan was sort of smart about is–

Clinton: You want to be just like Ronald Reagan? Wow! And you think Reagan’s ideas are better than anything Democrats every thought of? And you want to lead a murderous cult of fanatics with Regan tattooed on their eyeballs?

Obama: Uh…no.

Clinton: Well, you just said you did! I mean…Ha! Ha! Ha! HA! You heard it, right, folks? Listen, I’ve been changing business as usual for 35 years. Come on! The question is what is 2+2! If we can’t answer that, what can we answer? And I can tell you the answer without the help of a bunch of bureaucrats. You know, John Brown Russwurm, I think I’m pronouncing that right, has of course always been one of my heroes. Russwurm, 1799 dash 1851, was an African-American abolitionist from Jamaica, known for his newspaper, Freedom’s Journal. The words “African-American,” “abolitionist,” and “Freedom’s Journal” all link to other articles particular to those subjects.

Moderator: If we can just get the answer.

Obama: Well, that’s really for the voters to decide. But hopefully those voters trust that the answer they think it is is actually the same one I think it is too. Definitely. I’m not afraid to say it. By the way, I’ll tell you one thing 2+2 is. It’s a lot less than the number of dollars we’re spending in the Iraq war, a war Hillary voted yes for.

Moderator: So you said that that is one thing 2+2 is. Are there other things 2+2 can be?

Obama: It can be up to as many as probably three other things.

Moderator: Ah ha! So can I assume you mean to say that 2+2 is four?

Obama: For? For what? For change in Washington or for business as usual? For continued erosion of our reputation throughout the world or for a return to when the United States was seen as a beacon of hope? Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we celebrate tonight, was, he was a great man and I always try to emulate him when I speak. His message of hope, his –

Clinton: He was a tremendous leader but he did need some slight amount of help to get his initiatives passed into law.

Obama: I resent that extremely racist remark.

Clinton: See, you’re using the race card to avoid the question that was asked of us. You know, one of my heroes has always been this black gentleman I don’t know the name of. And when I’m faced with a tough question such as this, I take a look in the mirror — and, by the way, it’s the type of mirror most widely used by South Carolinians, whatever that type is. There’s no other kind; it’s the best! But, anyway, I–

Moderator: 2+2, please.

Obama: Brutha! I forgot to say “brutha” in this debate so far. So there it is. I’m sorry, continue, Hillary.

Clinton: Well, I certainly will. Ha! Ha! Anyway…

Edwards: Four. The answer’s four.

(The audience applauds loudly. Clinton and Obama take note of this.)

Clinton: Four. That’s what I’ve been saying all along here. I mean ha! ha! HA! HA! HA!

Obama: I said it was four back in 2002.

We at TheDirk.com staff realized that this was not put on this site back during Christmas. Here it is now! Literally!

The following are the great (so far) unanswered jokes of our time:

– How many Pollacks does it take to make a village of 4,009 Irish forget that Italians even exist?

– What do you get you when you combine Dracula with a roasted turkey in a world where Fangsgiving is simply not possible?

– What time was it, exactly, when the unusually small elephant sat on the very sturdy gate made of granite?

– What is Frankenstein’s favorite flavor of ice cream?

–A pessimist walks into a bar, orders a drink and proceeds to gulp down half of it. He then, says, “Bartender! My drink is half empty!â€?

An optimist then walks into the same bar and orders a drink. He also, right away, drinks half of it. “Bartender! My drink is half full!� the optimist proclaims loudly (for some reason).

A humorist then walks into the bar and also orders a drink. He then begins to tell this very joke. The optimist and the pessimist (the pessimist slightly less so) are amused in their fuzzy haze of drink to realize how their situation is just like the one being described in the joke. But before the humorist gets to the punchline, he keels over dead.

 

Click up in it to get the episode! REMEMBER: This can be (and is) quite crass.

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse. For some reason, the man is in the bathroom! Maybe he’s shitting or pissing. I’ll see if, instead, we can talk somewhere else more conducive to discussing the horse, if you know what I mean.

Jesus! I need to see a man about a horse really bad, if you know what I mean! I drank too many Canfields! Can you pull over?

Excuse me, I have to go speak to a few lawyers about the viability of suing the sculptor who misrepresented me in that statue he did of me, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I have to go do what a stout, mustachioed, latex shorts-wearing German man would have to do when he has to go to the bathroom, if you know what I mean!

Seriously, I’ll just see a man about a horse in those trees over there. Please just pull over! That whole thing about the Buzz Saw Killer in these woods is a myth, if you know what I mean!

Great! I just saw a man about a horse in my pants! Now, there’s what-happens-when-you-see-a-man-about-a-horse all over my suit and the car seat! Why didn’t you pull over, if you know what I mean?

It’s going to be a very long process, but I need to start talks with all the interested parties now. We’ll also discuss next steps and get a road map drawn up. This may also entail quite a bit of travel as I’ll need to start reviewing the improvements to their facilities, if you know what I mean!

A terlit

Congratulations to one of our VPs of Marketing. NBC (and the WGA strike) has given him, an aspiring TV writer, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down: to write an upcoming episode of “The Office”! Below is the first act:

INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN — MICHAEL’S OFFICE — DAY

MICHAEL sitting at his desk.

MICHAEL

(to camera)

Today, we are having a Fart of July party. It’s always been my favorite holiday and…

New character, BRENDAN, in his 40s, real Chinese-y type Chinese and hilarious, who sits in Michael’s office for some reason, whispers in Michael’s ear. Even the way he whispers is really funny to the point it makes the viewing audience laugh.

Michael thinks about what Brendan told him and, over the course of the next five minutes, he realizes what he said is wrong.

MICHAEL

Oops! I mean Fourth of July! I thought it was called Fart of July!

Michael crosses his eyes and makes a funny face.

DWIGHT enters and comes in.

DWIGHT

No, it isn’t. It’s called Fourth of July! It’s the birth of our nation (or some other nerdy factoid like that)!

MICHAEL

Well, we made those ads saying happy Fart of July and remember how we won that contest that the prize was that we could put an ad on the Superbowl? Well, the Superbowl is tomorrow and they have the ads that say Happy Fart Fart of July! We have to stop them from running those ads for the whole world to see! And why didn’t you, Dwight, correct me when we made the ads?

DWIGHT

I will go right now to the Superbowl company and get those ads off!

Runs out the door putting his coat on really funny-like.

CUT TO:

Dwight in interview room.

DWIGHT

(to camera, smirking confidently)

I’m not worried.

(he raises his left eyebrow kind of evilly)

I’ll get that ad back from the Superbowl people in no time.

(He kind of closes his eyes when he says “attain the rank” in the next line, like an arrogant person would)

I was in the military and I didn’t attain the rank of…

(When he says, “idiot” in this next line, he doesn’t realize how that rank is a double entendre for how he’s an idiot, so he doesn’t say it as if calling himself an idiot because, again–can’t stress this enough–he doesn’t realize it)

…idiot captain for nothing! Off I go!

He runs out the door and to his car. He slips and falls on the ice in the parking lot and breaks his leg.

CUT TO:

INT. REGULAR PART OF THE OFFICE — AT PAM’S DESK THING — CONTINUOUS

PAM, whose breasts are bigger than usual, and JIM conspire about pranking Dwight, who sits working at his desk.

PAM

What should we do, big boy?

JIM

I say we prank Dwight.

PAM

Mmm. I like the way ya think! I took a bunch of art classes, so I think I have an idea…

She winks and keeps shaking her hips. The BLACK GUY shakes his head in disgust in the background.

BLACK GUY

(to himself)

Jive turkeys.

Dwight is just minding his own business doing sales or whatever at his desk when a GHOST appears out of the ether.

GHOST

Dwiiiiiiiight!

DWIGHT

(nervous)

Yes, strange spirit?

GHOST

(improvises something very funny or even hilarious)

Dwight does what the ghost asks.

Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh as we realize Pam is controlling the ghost.

MICHAEL

Okay. Everyone. Let’s have a meeting!

That real nerdy HR guy comes up.

HR GUY NERD

Michael, don’t do anything wrong. I’m a wuss.

MICHAEL

(like how Michael would say it)
Will you please stop ruining this kind of thing?

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MICHAEL

(not realizing how he’s saying something so wrong)

I do not like Jewish people.

Everyone in awkward silence. CREED slaps his forehead.

CREED
Michael, what you just said is so inappropriate! Really! I declare!

MICHAEL

I’m sorry…not!

Everyone laughs at Michael’s joke. This makes Angela put on sexier clothes than she normally wears.

The GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW stands up and says that line from a few episodes ago that was so funny:

GUY FROM DAILY SHOW

Someone didn’t take awesome lessons.

DENISE throws a hair curler.

It’s hard to say if KELLY is in the meeting.

Michael goes back to his office. The meeting is over.

PLEASE FADE TO:

INT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The HEAD GUY IN THE WAREHOUSE is sitting there doing paperwork when ANOTHER WAREHOUSE GUY walks by carrying a pole over his shoulder.

HEAD GUY

Hey, you!

OTHER GUY

Huh?

He spins around such that the pole hits Head Guy in the face (for some reason this hasn’t been done on the Office yet).

A guy named CHARLES walks in.

CHARLES

Hey, can I have a job here?

HEAD GUY

Oh, you’re that one scab worker guy that crossed the picket line when we striked last year. You worked here the whole time we were on strike. I’m not hiring you!

CHARLES

I didn’t want to cross the line, but I had to.

HEAD GUY
All right. You can work here. You were such an amazing worker anyway, I heard. You thought of great things we never did.

CUT TO:

Jim in interview room.

JIM

Office life is so mundane. Selling paper is mundane. We are stuck in dead-end jobs here in suburbia. We’re going to Chili’s for lunch. The copier’s broken. And some other mundane things.

END ACT ONE

Dog Does Not Save Master from House Fire

Hartford, CT - The story of Rebecca Tilde and her golden retriever mix, Barbarino, is a refreshing one compared to what we usually hear in the news today–refreshing in a very tragic way.

At approximately 2:30 this morning, as Tilde performed her nightly ritual of sleeping, a fire broke out in her home near 4th and Jefferson. The cause of the fire is yet unknown, but the effect is yet well-known: as the flames spread from the garage area into the living room and toward’s Tilde’s bedroom, Barbarino woke from his slumber and immediately recognized the danger. Picking up his purple squeaky elephant in his mouth, the dog jumped into action and found his way outside and across the street where he proceeded to lift his leg and chew on the very obviously counterfeit pachyderm.

Fire fighters arrived at the scene as Tilde’s shrieks of pain at being burned alive could be heard out on the street. Barbarino growled and barked in response. “No, I don’t think the dog knew that was his master screaming. I think he was just barking because it sounded like some wild creature,” opined firefighter Robert Innskeep.

As the firemen fought off the blaze, Barbarino tugged on the hoses and several members of the squad had to alternate at distracting him with games of fetch, a popular sport of canines.

A picture of fire