When you’re pretty much the only one left in the office (everyone else has left town for Christmas with family) and you haven’t gotten a personal e-mail in 3 days, go to the restroom and wave your hand in front of the toilet sensor. There’s nothing better than that flush echoing in the empty bathroom proving to you that you exist to some extent!

If you’re in a meeting and you hear a police siren outside:

OLD: (turn to someone, doesn’t matter who) “Hey! Looks like they’re comin’ for ya! Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “Those are sirens. Let’s wait until they pass and, Ed, if you can repeat what you said about the template.”

Bush Scolds Congress for Rejecting His “Save Our Forests” Bill

Warshington, DC - Today, President George Bush scolded the largely-Democrat contingent of the Senate for voting against his “Save Our Forests” bill last night. “All these Democrats are claiming that the Republicans don’t care. That we’re not concerned with things. But it’s the Democrats who voted against the ‘Save Our Forests’ bill. Who’s cold-hearted now?”

The “Save Our Forests” bill proposed the mandatory beating down of illegal immigrants.

President Bush at the new (since 1800) capital city of Washington, DC

Also:

Four Fans Trampled to Death in Crowds at the Cambridge King’s College Chapel Choir’s Christmas Concert

The King’s College Chapel Choir Performing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”

“Give a man a fish, you feed him only once; give a man a fish every single day of his life, you feed him for a lifetime.” - Wiseman

Voters Horrified by Romney’s “Freaky” Mormon Belief that Jesus Rose from the Dead

College Station, TX - Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried to assuage voters’ concerns about his being Mormon this Thursday with a speech about his faith. But it may have backfired.

“I assumed Mormonism was pretty weird already. Now I hear from Mitt that his people believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead! Yeah, right. Jesus is a zombie. Whatever you say, wacky fella,” said Lisa Stansfield as she put on her coat after hearing the speech. “We don’t need a guy believing in that kind of sci-fi stuff in our White House. We need a guy who goes by the plain old Bible.”

“Apparently, the Mormons also have this belief that, in ancient times, God killed this one guy’s livestock, wife, and children just to test him. God doesn’t do that kind of stuff in the normal Christian religions, and there aren’t people with names like Job in those religions either,” said another attendee, Deborah Gibbons, a minister at a nearby Baptist church.

“I did appreciate that Mormons didn’t allow black people into their churches, at least until 1978. That was good to find out. But, yeah, their other beliefs are very strange,” chimed in Stan McClintock, who also watched the speech. “Mary being a virgin, another Mormon belief according to Romney, seems a bit odd seeing as how she HAD A FREAKING KID!” he continued sarcastically, eliciting laughter from other exiting attendees.

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Is it true that no two snowflakes are identical? - Snow Blind in Syracuse, NY

Dear Snow Blind - That is true. Sometimes the difference is very slight, sometimes it’s quite drastic. For example, I once witnessed a pair where one was quite small, white, and took on a star-shaped crystalline pattern whilst the other was gray, significantly heavier, and mall-like in its sheer size and in its store- and kettle korn vendor-esque structures full of people partaking in commerce-esque type activities.

Hey, kids. Please send more of your science questions if you feel you need to.

Non-identical snowflakes

So it is the holidays around now. To celebrate the holidays, at fucking Donnie’s Bar and Tavern were doing the secret Santa on Christmas afternoon, remember. The limits $15, were doing it white elephant style, and it can’t be a thing that, at the sight of it, would push people already close to the edge to the edge.

For uh decorations, the tree is up in my opinion (not in Deb’s opinion, though) and I got the picture of Santa that people can pass around.

Anyway, we got the Holiday drinks menu, so here it is:

The Fourth King - This is what Jesus H. would have been given by a fourth king/wise man if there was one. A bracing blend of Peirson’s (basically, a poor man’s poor man’s Everclear), mashed potato Schnapps, and fermented mythical gilderberries picked by a Bulgarian dude in a jealous fit of rage.

Tin Tree Star - 2 parts the first liquid that appears in the computer that day when Googling “Please, no,” the daily allowance of red wine as suggested by my buddy whose starting up an alternative to the FDA, a twist of “lime,” 2 parts this stuff the guy who sold it to me called “the future of eggnog,” and 1 part severe-grade gin.

The Santa Don’t Exist - A hot mug of Full Throttle energy drink spiked wit enough Walgreen’s brandy to make it so you forget what horrors the Ghost of Christmas Future shows you.

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse. For some reason, the man is in the bathroom! Maybe he’s shitting or pissing. I’ll see if, instead, we can talk somewhere else more conducive to discussing the horse, if you know what I mean.

Jesus! I need to see a man about a horse really bad, if you know what I mean! I drank too many Canfields! Can you pull over?

Excuse me, I have to go speak to a few lawyers about the viability of suing the sculptor who misrepresented me in that statue he did of me, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I have to go do what a stout, mustachioed, latex shorts-wearing German man would have to do when he has to go to the bathroom, if you know what I mean!

Seriously, I’ll just see a man about a horse in those trees over there. Please just pull over! That whole thing about the Buzz Saw Killer in these woods is a myth, if you know what I mean!

Great! I just saw a man about a horse in my pants! Now, there’s what-happens-when-you-see-a-man-about-a-horse all over my suit and the car seat! Why didn’t you pull over, if you know what I mean?

It’s going to be a very long process, but I need to start talks with all the interested parties now. We’ll also discuss next steps and get a road map drawn up. This may also entail quite a bit of travel as I’ll need to start reviewing the improvements to their facilities, if you know what I mean!

A terlit

Sports Journalist Doesn’t Think of Obvious Pun for Headline

Scottsdale, AZ - Derek Johns, sportswriter for the Scottsdale Lender newspaper, is beating himself up over a missed opportunity. For the Saturday edition of the paper, he reported on the lopsided 47-7 victory of the Scottsdale High Matadors over the Flagstaff South High Bulls only to come up with the headline “Matadors Win the Game Against Bulls.”

When called for comment, Johns didn’t at first understand why his most recent article was of interest: “So, what’s the problem? ‘Matadors Win the Game Against Bulls.’ That’s an amazing headline. It succinctly but cleverly says so much about the game. I thought about it for a long time.” But when it was suggested he could have, instead, topped off the story with something like “Matadors Lance Bulls,” Johns wept and hung up the phone.

Ford Recalls Four Models that Could Cause Immediate Death

Detroit, MI - Ford Motor Company announced today that it is recalling four of its 2007 models including the Taurus, the Escape, and the popular Focus.

“These four models, we are saddened to say, will explode if the driver does not put the key into the ignition exactly the right way. Please, if you own one of these four models, which include the Taurus, the Escape, and the Focus, contact your nearest Ford dealership to come pick up the car. You should not drive it even once more,” said Ford CEO whatshisname.

In that autumn of 1621, the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians gathered near Plymouth to have what is now the most famous of Thanksgiving feasts.

Up until now, researchers (and academics!) have been unable to find any record of the prayer the Puritans said before this meal. However, TheDirk.com staff found it at a library recently.

Here is the first Thanksgiving Day grace:

For more Puritan humor, click this!