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DIDYAKNOW that the only thing HARDER said than done is XGUNYMRGHSC, which is the act of laying there being spoon fed and poured MONEY UPON!

The Didyaknow mascot (whose name we forget at the moment)

Fourteen thousand dollars and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty-two cents of it was in pennies. That was all that Della and James had in checking and savings and their wallets combined. Sure, some more money in 401(k)s and CDs, but they couldn’t draw on those without some penalties. James knew the exact amount because he checked the state of their account on the Bank of America website this February morning. Fourteen thousand dollars and eighty-seven cents…and some investments. And that night was Valentine’s night.

James logged off the website, spiked his hair up just a little with some product, and went to work. Only ten hours to get his lovely bride a Valentine’s gift before he was to meet her at a local French place called Le Jardin d’Olive.

Later that morning, in his cube, he was busy at work with some financial analysis. Then, that afternoon, when he got back from Baja Fresh with Veronica and “Doobs,” he was reminded about the fact that that day was Valentine’s because Lily was wearing her heart-shaped teddy bear brooch thing and playfully haranguing everyone: “Now, where’s your red? You’re supposed to wear red on Valentine’s!” Which instigates the observation that some of the co-workers who even bothered to respond would say something humorous like, “I have a red stripe on my sock! That counts, right?” But the remainder replied with a “I don’t know, Lily. Just…Okay?” or a “Uh. Did you see if Cynthia’s at her desk?”

Only five hours until he was to meet his beloved for St. Valentine’s Day dinner. What would he get her for a gift? He couldn’t afford to get her a house or a beach. What would he get her? And in only five hours to do so.

In the restroom, where he brushed his teeth after lunch, James looked in the very wide mirror and re-textured his hair.

Della’s favorite flowers were white roses. It’s what she had ordered for her and James’s wedding two years ago. Also, whenever her and James went to Whole Foods to get his workout supplements and passed by white roses or if she caught a glimpse of them at the Farmer’s Market on their way to the 7:45 showing of a movie they both thought they’d maybe like okay, she’d say, “Jesus. Those are so gorgeous! They’re the only flowers I really really love.” Over the course of their relationship, she’s probably said that about 84 times, about the white roses, liking them, etc.

At 5:30, James realized he had only one and one half of an hour to get Della, his lovely wife, a Valentine’s gift before meeting her at the restaurant.

James eyes lit with an idea. He would have just enough time to get a haircut.

However, coming out of the salon, James was pale with despair. He didn’t like his new haircut as much as last time. Carlos wanted to “try something new.” Also, now James had almost no time to purchase Della a gift on this day of love!

At the flower shop on the way to the restaurant, James scanned the inventory. Tulips; gerber daisies; and yellow, white, and red roses. They were pretty expensive but James picked a few red roses from what was left and stood in line. He also noticed one of those metallic balloons that said, “Be Mine!” He thought Della would probably like it but it would be kind of a pain to carry.

As he sat down across from his wife, whose bosom was wonderfully kind of squeezed together by, presumably, her bra, James smiled and handed her the red roses. She kind of sighed, realizing once again that James didn’t remember — or, more likely, didn’t care — that it’s white roses she loves so. But then she did what she could to make the best of the situation: “Thank you so much, darling! They’re lovely!”

“I got you something too, dear,” she continued. She pulled out a beautifully wrapped present and handed it to him, which took a very slightly longer amount of time than one might expect as he had to finish glancing over at an evil-looking brunette by the bar.

“Okay,” he said as he tore into the package. It was a grooming kit, the beautiful leather case emblazoned with his initials. He’d always wanted one and Della got it for him even though he probably only mentioned it once.

“Well, okay,” he responded. “I guess I can use this stuff. I might wait until my hair grows in a little bit. I just got it cut as you can see and it’s a little too short.”

“Well, not that it doesn’t look great now, but it’ll probably be a good length in about a week,” she said.

“Okay. I guess I can hang on to this until then,” he sighed. Then he looked lovingly at the brunette again. “Oh. Here comes the waiter. By the way, I don’t want to take so long eating dinner like last time. I’m going to the gym early in the morning,” he informed her in a way that was romantic because he wasn’t outright screaming at her.

“Oh. Yes. Okay,” said Della as she quickly looked at her menu in this restaurant she used to love coming to so much with James.

The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men — who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. But Jesus was not the Son of God as such a thing does not exist. In this way too, Della, gave and gave to a love that wasn’t there. But she thought she might not find anyone else, so she stuck with this. She was the magi.

Love in its physical manifestation

Romney Says Reagan Would Have Endorsed Him

Simi Valley, CA - During last night’s debate of Republican candidates for president, moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! posed the question “Do you think Ronald Reagan would have supported you as the Republican nominee?” The first candidate to answer was former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who confidently stated, “In the late stages of his Alzheimer’s, I do believe that, if we all (the candidates) stood before him, I’d make a funny face so he would more likely, out of pure reflex, kind of notice me and possibly point at me thus kind of giving his endorsement.”

Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan: separated at birth? No.

Proprietor of Waterboarding Park Worried

Columbus, OH - Bryan Beeker, owner of Neptune’s Waterboard Park in Columbus, OH, is worried. Very worried. “You know, kids and families have been coming here for years in the summer to get waterboarded. And, now, with all these hearings and stuff, the summer activity we’ve been known for could get a bad rap and I could shut down.”

While U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey has not yet stated that waterboarding — the act of simulating drowning for the subject — is legally considered torture, that’s not much consolation for Beeker. “The damage may have already been done,” he shrugged. “The press and all the people who’ve undergone waterboarding have already made people think it’s definitely torture. And why would people go to a park that they think tortures them? If you ask me, sure waterboarding is physically and mentally very painful, but it’s not quite torture, for crying out loud.”

Detail of lunch box kids can purchase at Neptune’s Waterboard Park

Bush Reveals at End of State of Union Address that U.S. Has Been ‘Punk’d'”

Warshington, DC - Last night, during the last of his State of the Union addresses, President George Bush discussed,
among other issues, the economy, the war in Iraq and the fact that the United States had been “Punk’d” by his administration and Ashton Kutcher, host of the popular MTV prank show.

When it realized it had been the unsuspecting victim of the grand finale prank of the hit series and that the slowly rotting economy, erosion of all domestic programs, and horribly ill-advised wars were all part of an alarmingly well-choreographed seven-year-long stunt, America slapped its forehead, but then smiled, laughed, pointed at Kutcher, yelled, “You! You butt cheese!” and chased the Demi Moore boyfriend for a few good-natured minutes.

One element that might have helped the ruse last as long as it did was that MTV claimed that the May 29, 2007, show was its last. “By now, I think Americans might have caught on that Bush was doing some kind of Punk’d thing by this point if they didn’t think the show was over,” said a still-guffawing Dick Cheney. “This was way sweet!”

“It was awesome! Sitting in that truck watching the live feed of this one, seeing all those Americans freaking out over the budget surplus going under these last seven years and the Iraq war going real sour, dude!” gleed Kutcher. “This is the perfect coup de grâce for our last show!”

EXTRA

The Wire’s Snoop to Do Nude Spread in Playboy

In the Democratic presidential campaign debate two nights ago in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, hosted by the Congressional Black Caucus, the candidates were asked questions posed by the press. The one TheDirk offered was “What is 2+2?” This is what followed:

Moderator: What is 2+2?

(None of the candidates stepped forward to answer first, so the moderator pointed to Mrs. Hillary Clinton.)

Clinton: I’d be happy to answer that one. You know, one of my heroes has always been of course Frederick Douglass. You can ask Bill. I uh I know everything about him. Did you know he had kind of wild white hair? Also… But he probably answered this very question when he was just a young boy teaching himself math in the ramshackle library in his parents’ slave quarters. And he probably answered it as well as anyone could. Now, in my 35 years of service on behalf of–

Obama: But you’re avoiding the question. The American people need to know that you can be direct with them and, right now, you are not.

Moderator: Mr. Obama, could you answer the question? What is 2+2? Just real quickly.

Obama: Absolutely. But I don’t think the American people want to hear the same old answer to the same old questions. Do I have an idea of what these two numbers added together will be when I’m in office? I’m figuring that out. But I’ll surround myself with only the best and the brightest and the most inspired to join me in changing business as usual in Washington and in answering mathematical questions such as this one. One thing that Ronald Reagan was sort of smart about is–

Clinton: You want to be just like Ronald Reagan? Wow! And you think Reagan’s ideas are better than anything Democrats every thought of? And you want to lead a murderous cult of fanatics with Regan tattooed on their eyeballs?

Obama: Uh…no.

Clinton: Well, you just said you did! I mean…Ha! Ha! Ha! HA! You heard it, right, folks? Listen, I’ve been changing business as usual for 35 years. Come on! The question is what is 2+2! If we can’t answer that, what can we answer? And I can tell you the answer without the help of a bunch of bureaucrats. You know, John Brown Russwurm, I think I’m pronouncing that right, has of course always been one of my heroes. Russwurm, 1799 dash 1851, was an African-American abolitionist from Jamaica, known for his newspaper, Freedom’s Journal. The words “African-American,” “abolitionist,” and “Freedom’s Journal” all link to other articles particular to those subjects.

Moderator: If we can just get the answer.

Obama: Well, that’s really for the voters to decide. But hopefully those voters trust that the answer they think it is is actually the same one I think it is too. Definitely. I’m not afraid to say it. By the way, I’ll tell you one thing 2+2 is. It’s a lot less than the number of dollars we’re spending in the Iraq war, a war Hillary voted yes for.

Moderator: So you said that that is one thing 2+2 is. Are there other things 2+2 can be?

Obama: It can be up to as many as probably three other things.

Moderator: Ah ha! So can I assume you mean to say that 2+2 is four?

Obama: For? For what? For change in Washington or for business as usual? For continued erosion of our reputation throughout the world or for a return to when the United States was seen as a beacon of hope? Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we celebrate tonight, was, he was a great man and I always try to emulate him when I speak. His message of hope, his –

Clinton: He was a tremendous leader but he did need some slight amount of help to get his initiatives passed into law.

Obama: I resent that extremely racist remark.

Clinton: See, you’re using the race card to avoid the question that was asked of us. You know, one of my heroes has always been this black gentleman I don’t know the name of. And when I’m faced with a tough question such as this, I take a look in the mirror — and, by the way, it’s the type of mirror most widely used by South Carolinians, whatever that type is. There’s no other kind; it’s the best! But, anyway, I–

Moderator: 2+2, please.

Obama: Brutha! I forgot to say “brutha” in this debate so far. So there it is. I’m sorry, continue, Hillary.

Clinton: Well, I certainly will. Ha! Ha! Anyway…

Edwards: Four. The answer’s four.

(The audience applauds loudly. Clinton and Obama take note of this.)

Clinton: Four. That’s what I’ve been saying all along here. I mean ha! ha! HA! HA! HA!

Obama: I said it was four back in 2002.

1. Big Ol’ Thing!^TM

2. “Sobbing” - Nintendo’s newest interactive offering for the Wii.

3. Norbit DVD - includes 83 minutes of deleted scenes and director’s commentary.

4. The Norton Anthology of Threats

5. JuicyKlose - A container lid/Bartlett pear set (by Brookstone).

6. Criterion’s “Bergman Bloopers” - Criterion honors the late genius’s film career with this DVD of laff-out-loud cut-outs from all of the guy’s movies! Includes a hilarious take from “Wild Strawberries” when Victor Sjostrom, playing the doctor, stares at the fighting couple but does so in such a way that doesn’t quite get across the plight of the human condition!

7. Starbucks Reminder Card - Holiday-themed sturdy plastic card that is easily carried in one’s wallet or purse and serves the purpose of reminding the holder of Starbucks’ existence.

8. Leather-bound complete Wikipedia encyclopedia set (84 volumes and daily delivery of CorrectRight^® supplement booklets which possibly correct any false content in the original set [or in previous supplement booklets])

9. Hasbro’s My Little Pony (Not Yours)^TM

10. Harry and David’s Indeterminate Number of Months of Fruit Club membership

Go to “Gifts” category to see the worst gifts of the last couple of years, okay?

‘Tis the season…for the holidays, that is! And greeting cards provide words, which are a way of conveying those holiday sentiments that just can’t be fully expressed through mere silence or acts of compassion and love. And what better words than those of our most classic songs and films? Huh?

from Dr. Dre’s song “Let Me Ride”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

from David Mamet’s film “Glengarry Glen Ross”

Click here to open up this card and read its inside

from Larry Clark and Harmony Korine’s film “Kids”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

from Todd Solondz’s film “Happiness”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside