Friend: I understand you’re applying to art school! That’s great!
Hitler: Yeah, just, I really want to pursue this painting thing. I’m coming up with some great stuff whether it’s landscape, still life, you know, even some of the modernist/abstract stuff that’s happening. I’m particularly interested in experimenting more with uses of light. Evoking the warmth of sunlight through painting. I’m actually working on a satirical piece in which I show a ceiling in like a stifling business office and it’s got all these ugly industrial lamps, but, instead of the harsh cold light that they emit in reality, I paint the light coming out of them to be like sunlight and that kind of warmth, if you know what I mean. And I’d like to do a series of about 14 of those, each kind of depicting different configurations of those lamps and different offices and different levels of abstraction, you know? But just to show warmth leaking into even these harsh industrial or stuffy beaucratic or business offices. Like, how the sun pokes through even in the most isolating of circumstances. I don’t know, not to be schmaltzy, but I’m into that kind of symbol of hope and all that I guess. And I think this school I applied to has some great teachers and a wonderfully encouraging community of artists who can really help me shape these ideas, to visualize them.
F: That’s neat.
A month later:
F: Hey, I hear you didn’t get into that art school. I know you were really looking forward to going. I’m very sorry. I hope you’ll keep pursuing painting though. You will, won’t you?
H: No, I’m going to do something else.
Hitler’s hedcut from 1933 Wall Street Journal article praising the new German Chancellor
Suicide Bombing Beats Out Dentistry as Occupation with Most Suicides per Capita
Lipton, NJ - The effects of this new golden age of terrorism are being felt everywhere. In a new survey published by Career Sciences this year, the rates of suicide per capita for 2007 are given for over 83 different common occupations. Over the previous 30 years that the survey has been published, the results have not varied greatly. But, this year, the perennial top-of-the-list, dentist, found itself second — and a far second at that — to suicide bomber.
“There are about 9 suicides for every 10 suicide bombers. It’s incredible. Comparatively, for the usual number one, dentistry, there’s about 1 suicide per 23,000 dentists,” said Dr. Meredith Hamm of the Career Sciences Center. “I just think the typical suicide bomber faces so much stress in performing the particularly harsh tasks they undertake and that must be what’s leading to this distressingly high figure. There definitely needs to be some system of counseling support or something in that relatively new career.”
Rounding off the top five most suicides-per-capita list were dentists, milkmen, suicide hotline operators, and some not very important job.
Some kind of suicide bomber type thing
Detectives Frustrated by Walls that Can’t Talk
Chicago, IL - Detective Lawrence Broch thought he had what it took to break his case. Two months ago, the elderly Stella Weidenbacher was stabbed to death in her apartment and her jewelry was stolen. Despite his many detective tools including magnifying glass, Broch had no clues or suspects or the definite killer.
But, Tuesday night, while laying awake in bed, Broch had an idea.
“I always do my best thinking while lying awake in bed. I was racking my brains, thinking that someone or some…thing must have seen this evil deed. And, then, I realized: the walls of the room she was murdered in. I’ll just go talk to them!”
However, the next morning, things didn’t quite turn out as hoped: “When I got to the apartment, I asked the walls all these questions and, of course, all they could do is sort of hum and moan their answers because they don’t have mouths. If only those walls could talk or even simply write down what they saw.”
Something About Drinking Wine Makes You Healthy or Some Such
Baltimore (around there), MD - Some health organization out here reported like this morning that…something about how wine or whatever can, if you drink one or two glasses or something, can help, like, your heart or livers or something. Something like that.
One of the scientists who ran or whatever the study is Dr. something (but not the same something as the number of glasses of wine something) who won the coveted Nobel or Institute of Something or the Attendance Award or something along those lines. Speaking to the press or in a report or while doing push ups or that sort of thing, he said, “[Something about they did experiments and then said the number of glasses] of wine [went on about how you get healthier or stay just as healthy or that sort of thing]!” Thinking for a second and smiling, he added, “[amazing joke]!”
Something
Lazy Kid Perks Up When Janjaweed Attacks His Home
Crystal Lake, IL - Carmela and Hugh Block of Crystal Lake, IL, have tried just about everything to get their chubby 14-year-old son Andy to put down his perpetual bowl of Lucky Charms, turn off his Guitar Hero video game, and get off the couch. But it’s been a losing battle.
“He’s just a very lazy kid,” Carmela shrugged.
“He’s just a very lazy kid,” Hugh added, providing exactly no extra insight beyond what Carmela had just said.
But Andy’s mother saw something different in her son when 20 to 30 Janjaweed (”Devil on horseback”) galloped into this small Chicago suburb and attacked the Block home yesterday afternoon.
“When the men threw torches through the window and ripped his father’s head off and drowned his baby brother Pete in the blood-filled neck hole of his father, Andy actually kind of sprung into action,” Carmela said proudly.
Specifically, Andy ran for his life with an almost hilarious waddle to the nearby woods. Several of the mounted murderer/rapists chased in pursuit but it is not yet known if they captured him and raped him while making him eat his own hands.
“They probably killed him, which saddens me to the greatest depths of my soul. Anyway, I should get going. A Janjaweed is currently swinging an axe towards my torso,” said the boy’s mother.
Simi Valley, CA - During last night’s debate of Republican candidates for president, moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! posed the question “Do you think Ronald Reagan would have supported you as the Republican nominee?” The first candidate to answer was former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who confidently stated, “In the late stages of his Alzheimer’s, I do believe that, if we all (the candidates) stood before him, I’d make a funny face so he would more likely, out of pure reflex, kind of notice me and possibly point at me thus kind of giving his endorsement.”
Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan: separated at birth? No.
Proprietor of Waterboarding Park Worried
Columbus, OH - Bryan Beeker, owner of Neptune’s Waterboard Park in Columbus, OH, is worried. Very worried. “You know, kids and families have been coming here for years in the summer to get waterboarded. And, now, with all these hearings and stuff, the summer activity we’ve been known for could get a bad rap and I could shut down.”
While U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey has not yet stated that waterboarding — the act of simulating drowning for the subject — is legally considered torture, that’s not much consolation for Beeker. “The damage may have already been done,” he shrugged. “The press and all the people who’ve undergone waterboarding have already made people think it’s definitely torture. And why would people go to a park that they think tortures them? If you ask me, sure waterboarding is physically and mentally very painful, but it’s not quite torture, for crying out loud.”
Detail of lunch box kids can purchase at Neptune’s Waterboard Park
Bush Reveals at End of State of Union Address that U.S. Has Been ‘Punk’d'”
Warshington, DC - Last night, during the last of his State of the Union addresses, President George Bush discussed,
among other issues, the economy, the war in Iraq and the fact that the United States had been “Punk’d” by his administration and Ashton Kutcher, host of the popular MTV prank show.
When it realized it had been the unsuspecting victim of the grand finale prank of the hit series and that the slowly rotting economy, erosion of all domestic programs, and horribly ill-advised wars were all part of an alarmingly well-choreographed seven-year-long stunt, America slapped its forehead, but then smiled, laughed, pointed at Kutcher, yelled, “You! You butt cheese!” and chased the Demi Moore boyfriend for a few good-natured minutes.
One element that might have helped the ruse last as long as it did was that MTV claimed that the May 29, 2007, show was its last. “By now, I think Americans might have caught on that Bush was doing some kind of Punk’d thing by this point if they didn’t think the show was over,” said a still-guffawing Dick Cheney. “This was way sweet!”
“It was awesome! Sitting in that truck watching the live feed of this one, seeing all those Americans freaking out over the budget surplus going under these last seven years and the Iraq war going real sour, dude!” gleed Kutcher. “This is the perfect coup de grâce for our last show!”
In the Democratic presidential campaign debate two nights ago in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, hosted by the Congressional Black Caucus, the candidates were asked questions posed by the press. The one TheDirk offered was “What is 2+2?” This is what followed:
Moderator: What is 2+2?
(None of the candidates stepped forward to answer first, so the moderator pointed to Mrs. Hillary Clinton.)
Clinton: I’d be happy to answer that one. You know, one of my heroes has always been of course Frederick Douglass. You can ask Bill. I uh I know everything about him. Did you know he had kind of wild white hair? Also… But he probably answered this very question when he was just a young boy teaching himself math in the ramshackle library in his parents’ slave quarters. And he probably answered it as well as anyone could. Now, in my 35 years of service on behalf of–
Obama: But you’re avoiding the question. The American people need to know that you can be direct with them and, right now, you are not.
Moderator: Mr. Obama, could you answer the question? What is 2+2? Just real quickly.
Obama: Absolutely. But I don’t think the American people want to hear the same old answer to the same old questions. Do I have an idea of what these two numbers added together will be when I’m in office? I’m figuring that out. But I’ll surround myself with only the best and the brightest and the most inspired to join me in changing business as usual in Washington and in answering mathematical questions such as this one. One thing that Ronald Reagan was sort of smart about is–
Clinton: You want to be just like Ronald Reagan? Wow! And you think Reagan’s ideas are better than anything Democrats every thought of? And you want to lead a murderous cult of fanatics with Regan tattooed on their eyeballs?
Obama: Uh…no.
Clinton: Well, you just said you did! I mean…Ha! Ha! Ha! HA! You heard it, right, folks? Listen, I’ve been changing business as usual for 35 years. Come on! The question is what is 2+2! If we can’t answer that, what can we answer? And I can tell you the answer without the help of a bunch of bureaucrats. You know, John Brown Russwurm, I think I’m pronouncing that right, has of course always been one of my heroes. Russwurm, 1799 dash 1851, was an African-American abolitionist from Jamaica, known for his newspaper, Freedom’s Journal. The words “African-American,” “abolitionist,” and “Freedom’s Journal” all link to other articles particular to those subjects.
Moderator: If we can just get the answer.
Obama: Well, that’s really for the voters to decide. But hopefully those voters trust that the answer they think it is is actually the same one I think it is too. Definitely. I’m not afraid to say it. By the way, I’ll tell you one thing 2+2 is. It’s a lot less than the number of dollars we’re spending in the Iraq war, a war Hillary voted yes for.
Moderator: So you said that that is one thing 2+2 is. Are there other things 2+2 can be?
Obama: It can be up to as many as probably three other things.
Moderator: Ah ha! So can I assume you mean to say that 2+2 is four?
Obama: For? For what? For change in Washington or for business as usual? For continued erosion of our reputation throughout the world or for a return to when the United States was seen as a beacon of hope? Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we celebrate tonight, was, he was a great man and I always try to emulate him when I speak. His message of hope, his –
Clinton: He was a tremendous leader but he did need some slight amount of help to get his initiatives passed into law.
Obama: I resent that extremely racist remark.
Clinton: See, you’re using the race card to avoid the question that was asked of us. You know, one of my heroes has always been this black gentleman I don’t know the name of. And when I’m faced with a tough question such as this, I take a look in the mirror — and, by the way, it’s the type of mirror most widely used by South Carolinians, whatever that type is. There’s no other kind; it’s the best! But, anyway, I–
Moderator: 2+2, please.
Obama: Brutha! I forgot to say “brutha” in this debate so far. So there it is. I’m sorry, continue, Hillary.
Clinton: Well, I certainly will. Ha! Ha! Anyway…
Edwards: Four. The answer’s four.
(The audience applauds loudly. Clinton and Obama take note of this.)
Clinton: Four. That’s what I’ve been saying all along here. I mean ha! ha! HA! HA! HA!
Population of Niger Village Starving Because of the Word “Lancinating”
Dakoro, Niger - This impoverished Niger town found itself on the precipice of either being able to feed its citizens to their fill or further crumbling under perpetual drought, starvation, and an utter lack of ATM machines.
Richard Pierson of St. Paul, MN, had a chance to change the seeming fate of this village. He was logged onto his computer and had browsed to FreeFood.com, a fundraising Web site which donates a certain amount of rice, bread, and protein to the hungry for each time a user matches the correct definition to a difficult vocabulary word.
“But I got to ‘lancinating’ and I picked ‘evil’ as what it meant but that’s not what it meant. So no rice got sent for that. Sorry, Dakoro,” shrugged Pierson.
“Lancinate” probably means “to organize.”
“That’s just how it goes, I’m afraid” sighed Phyllis Olivier, founder of the popular Web site. “We have the food in our warehouses ready to ship, but people need to know those words on our site before we can just send this stuff out willy nilly.”
Because of Pierson’s wrong choice, the people of Dakaro will continue to live in hunger and die at the average age of 27. The main source of revenue for the shriveled village is loose change left by chance on the wings of an airplane and then dropped by chance just as the airplane flies over Dakoro.
“Maybe I need to make the words easier on the site, ” said Olivier. “Whatever we can do to help these people.”
This Nigerien boy will starve to death because a guy didn’t know a word
Bush Scolds Congress for Rejecting His “Save Our Forests” Bill
Warshington, DC - Today, President George Bush scolded the largely-Democrat contingent of the Senate for voting against his “Save Our Forests” bill last night. “All these Democrats are claiming that the Republicans don’t care. That we’re not concerned with things. But it’s the Democrats who voted against the ‘Save Our Forests’ bill. Who’s cold-hearted now?”
The “Save Our Forests” bill proposed the mandatory beating down of illegal immigrants.
President Bush at the new (since 1800) capital city of Washington, DC
Also:
Four Fans Trampled to Death in Crowds at the Cambridge King’s College Chapel Choir’s Christmas Concert
The King’s College Chapel Choir Performing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Voters Horrified by Romney’s “Freaky” Mormon Belief that Jesus Rose from the Dead
College Station, TX- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried to assuage voters’ concerns about his being Mormon this Thursday with a speech about his faith. But it may have backfired.
“I assumed Mormonism was pretty weird already. Now I hear from Mitt that his people believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead! Yeah, right. Jesus is a zombie. Whatever you say, wacky fella,” said Lisa Stansfield as she put on her coat after hearing the speech. “We don’t need a guy believing in that kind of sci-fi stuff in our White House. We need a guy who goes by the plain old Bible.”
“Apparently, the Mormons also have this belief that, in ancient times, God killed this one guy’s livestock, wife, and children just to test him. God doesn’t do that kind of stuff in the normal Christian religions, and there aren’t people with names like Job in those religions either,” said another attendee, Deborah Gibbons, a minister at a nearby Baptist church.
“I did appreciate that Mormons didn’t allow black people into their churches, at least until 1978. That was good to find out. But, yeah, their other beliefs are very strange,” chimed in Stan McClintock, who also watched the speech. “Mary being a virgin, another Mormon belief according to Romney, seems a bit odd seeing as how she HAD A FREAKING KID!” he continued sarcastically, eliciting laughter from other exiting attendees.
We’ve talked about traditional newspaper-based political cartoons. But, now in the new age of the Internet, it only makes sense to discuss the exciting new innovation that’s raising the level of political cartoon: the Photoshopped one-panels.
Let’s just start with an example from internetweekly.org:
Look at it! Ha! Ha! Ha! Rove and Gonzalez in the Keystone Cops (not “Kops,” actually) outfits!!! Now, if you thought of this joke, your simple brain probably wouldn’t even have recognized it as humor due merely to it not being funny in the slightest. The idea would have passed by almost unnoticed in the same way thoughts such as “It’s kind of cold in the office today” or “My left hand is this one over here and my right hand is that one over there.” But the person who did this panel not only thought of the joke but also held on to itand wrote it down as an idea to remember, thus making them the satirist he/she calls him/herself. And being a professional, he/she no doubt tested the joke by telling it to someone (”Rove and uh Gonzalez are like the Keystone Cops, huh?”) and, after getting the polite sort-of tired half-smile to prove to him/her that, yes, indeed, the joke is hilarious, only then did he/she commit to opening Photoshop and making this thing.
And what a thing it is! First of all, it’s very funny: This is not just a picture of Rove and Gonzalez; it’s a picture of them as other wacky vintage characters.
Also, the statement made by the cartoon goes far beyond just a few laughs, as all good satire does. It makes a statement few of us would dare make about our politicians; that we think they’re dumb. And this juxtaposition of Rove and Gonzalez as Keystone Cops does it so well. The Keystone Cops were incompetent, clumsy boobs. And that’s exactly what Gonzalez and Rove, especially, are! No one would call them, instead, calculating, manipulative, or sly. This picture is worth exactly the number of words it would take to describe it: “Rove and Gonzalez are like the Keystone Cops.” It’s difficult to measure how much this cartoon contributed to Gonazalez’s and Rove’s resignations, but chances are it had a significant, if not nil, impact.
Finally, this type of political cartoon is very difficult to pull off. For example, the panel below was made by our staff, but it did take six minutes to think of and execute.
See how it’s politicians but as”Leave It to Beaver” characters? This sufficiently meets the definition of satire.
