Pee Limit Sign Defaced

Morristown, NJ - This small tranquil town of 6 or 10 thousand people has learned to accept a few of the more unpleasant trappings of modernity that make their way over from the nearby larger cities. Upticks in gang crime, speakeasies, and teenage pregnancies have all struck the residents of Morristown during the last several years, and they’ve worked together to deal with them.

But an incident of once-rare signage defacement is the last straw for one local restaurateur Gerry Katzmann. Earlier this year, in light of another unfortunate trend of late, Katzmann finally had to post a sign in the parking lot behind his BBQ restaurant, The Second Saddle, that reads, “Pee Limit 5.”

“People were going to the parking lot and peeing 6, 7, or even 8. I didn’t want to put an ugly sign out there, but I finally had to.”

But within weeks, the new sign had been vandalized to read, “Speed Limit 5,” with the “S” and the “d” sloppily rendered in black marker.

“I realized something was wrong when customers were coming (into the restaurant). And they would be chuckling to each other about speed limits and (rubbing each other and) sarcastically saying, “Hey, slow down” to each other and stuff. I went outside and saw what some jerk kid did to my expensive sign,” said Katzmann. “Ha ha. Very funny.”

This is the second known incident in recent months. In early March, the Shove It Up an A-Hole trophy shop found all of its outdoor signage stolen one morning.

Marigold & White Funeral Homes Picks New Mascot

Elgin, IL - Brian O’Keefe and Jason Otterman, co-founders of the Marigold & White funeral home in Elgin, IL, decided they wanted to make a change.

As many of us know, Jake Tchaikovsky, dressed in the large foam Rusty the Shivering Marigold & White Lion costume, has stood out front of the Ann Street location every weekend day since 1985, shivering and helping bring attention to the popular funeral home’s various sales promotions and special Fourth of July events. But, starting this Saturday, while most passers-by will technically be able to wave back at things, they won’t be able to wave back at Rusty. Because he won’t be there to be waved-back to.

“We just thought the image of a lion was a little out-dated,” said Otterman in a sort of telephone interview. “There are fewer of them in the wild every year, and someday they’ll be gone. So, while we’ll always remember Rusty in our hearts, we’ve decided on a new mascot that better represents the spirit of Marigold & White.”

Tchaikovsky will now sport an anthropomorphic hamburger costume as the new face of Marigold & White, Harry the Hamburger.

“Harry The Hamburger. That’s our guy. And, while he’s nowhere near the best representation of the spirit of Marigold & White, he is, we think, a better representation than a lion,” said Otterman.

A mock funeral for Rusty the Shivering Lion will be held at the Marigold & White Funeral Home, Thursday evening at 5:30 PM.

Harry the Hamburger, the new mascot for Marigold & White Funeral Home

GOP Candidate Romney Finds Compromise on Abortion Stance:

“If Everyone’s Worried about Back-Alley Abortions, Those Should be Banned Too.”

GOP Candidate Mitt Romney’s 54th grade school picture

Woman Says Couple’s Safety Word Before Boyfriend Can Kiss Her on Cheek

“I just came home from work. She was watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ I went to give her a peck on the cheek, and she says, ‘telescope.’ Never takes her eyes off the TV,” says boyfriend.

MAD Magazine Headquarters Explode During Staff’s Attempts to Write Parody of MAD

New York, NY - Early this morning, the employees of the Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco headquarters in the Chrysler Building in Manhattan wondered what that burning smell was and why smoke was pouring through this, the offices of one of the Fortune 50 Manufacturers of Smokeless Tobacco.

They soon found out. But almost not just in time.

“I took the elevator up a floor, to the Mad offices, and saw nothing but flames, smoke, and people dressed like characters from ‘The Squid and The Whale,’ said Verna Gonzalez, administrative assistant at Mail Pouch. Those flames and the choking smoke were, according to investigators, the wake of a tremendous explosion in one of the parody magazine’s conference rooms.

“The editor, several writers, and an illustrator were attempting to do what original publisher William Gaines always said should not be tried: parodying the magazine itself,” said Raymond Kelly, New York City Police Commissioner.

Witnesses claim the small group assembled in the conference room to begin to hash out the impossible issue. “They’d done a parody of ‘Bleccch’s Anatomy’ called ‘Bleecchbleeecch’s And That Crock Is Not On Me (TV)’ and you could tell that that alone almost destroyed them. They were sweating, looking really pale, couldn’t stand upright. Then, when they began to plan out the Fold-In fold-out, they started to vibrate and what could best be described as a vortex of dimensions turning in on themselves formed in the middle of the room and collapsed into a singularity and a blast like I’d never seen practically blinded me. A second later, I heard it, loud as hell,” said Branford Brack, Mad’s head of solutions management. “Everyone was telling them before that to stop. But they kept on going saying, ‘We can do this and the world will be ours!’”

The names of the 34 killed in the explosion have not yet been released, but the event was declared by the NYPD to not be officially considered a tragedy as the dead did not include Sergio Aragones.

Recent issue of Mad magazine