Romney Says Reagan Would Have Endorsed Him

Simi Valley, CA - During last night’s debate of Republican candidates for president, moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! posed the question “Do you think Ronald Reagan would have supported you as the Republican nominee?” The first candidate to answer was former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who confidently stated, “In the late stages of his Alzheimer’s, I do believe that, if we all (the candidates) stood before him, I’d make a funny face so he would more likely, out of pure reflex, kind of notice me and possibly point at me thus kind of giving his endorsement.”

Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan: separated at birth? No.

Proprietor of Waterboarding Park Worried

Columbus, OH - Bryan Beeker, owner of Neptune’s Waterboard Park in Columbus, OH, is worried. Very worried. “You know, kids and families have been coming here for years in the summer to get waterboarded. And, now, with all these hearings and stuff, the summer activity we’ve been known for could get a bad rap and I could shut down.”

While U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey has not yet stated that waterboarding — the act of simulating drowning for the subject — is legally considered torture, that’s not much consolation for Beeker. “The damage may have already been done,” he shrugged. “The press and all the people who’ve undergone waterboarding have already made people think it’s definitely torture. And why would people go to a park that they think tortures them? If you ask me, sure waterboarding is physically and mentally very painful, but it’s not quite torture, for crying out loud.”

Detail of lunch box kids can purchase at Neptune’s Waterboard Park