The two lowest-scoring contestants, DIRK and SPIKE, are called to the Judges’ Table where PADMA LAKSHMI, TOM COLICCHIO, and GAIL SIMMONS will eliminate one of them from the competition. Dirk looks contrite. Spike sighs heavily and can’t believe he’s in the bottom two.

PADMA

Spike, Dirk. Your two dishes were the judges’ least favorite. Unfortunately, one of you will be going home.

She looks to Tom to summarize the situation.

TOM

That’s right. You know, both of you really fell well short of the mark tonight. And, in this competition, you can’t afford to miss a step. Spike, your shrimp obelisk tasted terrific and really showed your maturity in terms of deveining. However, the rest of the judges and I just have to tell you that the auditory quality of your food, the inexplicable sort of high-pitched grinding sound it emanates, somehow, dish after dish, is very off-putting.

Spike just gives him an insolent stare.

TOM

And, Dirk, we appreciate the ambitiousness of your dish but I’m not sure why you would give us chicken blenzine and not acid-crust it. That just…It doesn’t make any sense to me at all. It made Gail cry and Ted can’t be with us now because he snapped while trying to get his mind wrapped around that dish. So, unfortunately, one of you has to leave the competition.

Gail tears up again.

Tom looks at Padma to let her issue the final verdict.

The music swells, Padma gives it a few beats so the camera can get one more look at the contestants, their sweating brows.

Finally…

PADMA

Dirk, please pack your knives and go.

Dirk drops his head in sad acknowledgement. The only thing that gives him any kind of solace is that, in telling him to leave, Padma finally looked at him for the first time in this competition. Spike blows out a sigh of relief and gives Dirk a manly half-handshake/hug type of thing.

DIRK

(To the judges)

Thank you for the opportunity. It was great.

Dirk returns to that loading dock-looking area where the remaining 11 CONTESTANTS wait to hear what happened. Dirk does a cool “peace out” type of gesture.

DIRK

It was me. I’m out.

Spike pats him on the back. The others give the obligatory appearance of being shocked and hug Dirk one-after-the-other like they always do.

Dirk talks to the camera in the interview room.

DIRK

Well, my time at Top Chef is over. But you think that means I’m done as a chef? Am I just going to give up the thing I love most? Ha!

Dirk gathers up his belongings alone in the kitchen.

DIRK (VO)

Yes. Yes, it does mean I will just give up. I don’t know why I said, “Ha!” a few seconds ago because I will definitely give up cooking. I’ve lost so much confidence that I can’t even imagine successfully feeding myself at any level. Yes, I’ve wanted to be a chef all my life and love the kitchen so and it’s the one thing that connects me to my dead mother, but even the slightest hint of failure tends to spiritually obliterate me to the point I’ll give up even what’s most important to me at the drop of a hat.

If, for example, I had invented the time machine, when the first person I would have come over to test it out sat in it and said, “Hmm. This seat is kind of scratchy,” I would have immediately yanked the guy out of the time machine and said, “You know what? Never mind. This isn’t a good idea,” and tossed my invention into the woods somewhere. A curious raccoon would no doubt have probably walked across the dashboard such that it would have started the wretched machine (you really think I would be smart enough to have included any kind of safety lock or something?). The machine would have taken the creature back to the 1830’s and it would have found its way through the open window of the infant Rodolphe Lindt’s bedroom, chewed him to death, and I would have been kicked off this show two episodes ago for not only having “deep-seated toast point issues,” as Tom termed it, but also for causing the non-invention of conching. And, without chocolate conching, there wouldn’t even be any candy bars for me to drown my desperation in.

Anyway, I felt my imminent failure since the first Quick Fire Challenge when the guest judge, Anthony Bourdain, broke into knee-slapping hysterics after tasting my Chilean sea bass curry, but then looked at my sour visage and said, “Oh. You weren’t kidding.”

All the flavor profiles I’ve developed over my years and years and years of cooking might as well be the very opposite of flavor profiles. It’s done. You won’t be hearing a lot more from Dirk Voetberg.

He looks at the last knife he’s about to pack.

DIRK (VO)

Maybe I’ll keep this one at the ready.

He lifts his chef jacket in the back and slides his knife in his belt in the back of his pants.

DIRK (VO)

I just realized someone else probably would have invented conching if Lindt hadn’t. My example was useless.

He walks towards the glass door emblazoned with the “Top Chef” logo and pushes it open as he makes his final exit.

DIRK (VO)

I am nothing.

Pee Limit Sign Defaced

Morristown, NJ - This small tranquil town of 6 or 10 thousand people has learned to accept a few of the more unpleasant trappings of modernity that make their way over from the nearby larger cities. Upticks in gang crime, speakeasies, and teenage pregnancies have all struck the residents of Morristown during the last several years, and they’ve worked together to deal with them.

But an incident of once-rare signage defacement is the last straw for one local restaurateur Gerry Katzmann. Earlier this year, in light of another unfortunate trend of late, Katzmann finally had to post a sign in the parking lot behind his BBQ restaurant, The Second Saddle, that reads, “Pee Limit 5.”

“People were going to the parking lot and peeing 6, 7, or even 8. I didn’t want to put an ugly sign out there, but I finally had to.”

But within weeks, the new sign had been vandalized to read, “Speed Limit 5,” with the “S” and the “d” sloppily rendered in black marker.

“I realized something was wrong when customers were coming (into the restaurant). And they would be chuckling to each other about speed limits and (rubbing each other and) sarcastically saying, “Hey, slow down” to each other and stuff. I went outside and saw what some jerk kid did to my expensive sign,” said Katzmann. “Ha ha. Very funny.”

This is the second known incident in recent months. In early March, the Shove It Up an A-Hole trophy shop found all of its outdoor signage stolen one morning.

There are literally three sketches here. Again, one of our VPs of Marketing is in the group (Elders of The Dark Tower [of Xxoron]) and they were asked to a live spot for the Revver video site’s live event in Los Angeles this last Thursdee.

Suppose you’re in the woods or a forest or an entity such as that and come upon a wide creek. But there’s more to this puzzle: Suppose there are three others beside you in the party and you have only one canoe. Only two people can fit in the canoe at any one time. You need to get all four of you across the creek and must do it within 11 trips across.

What do you do?

ANSWER: Take one person over to the other side, row back, take another person to the other side, row back, take the last person to the other side. You have all now crossed the creek. You do not have to use the additional six trips allotted to you unless you want to.

A canoe, for lack of a better term

Britt Landon, one of our Vice Presidents of Marketing, went into the office kitchen today, which is also free bagel day, approached one of our sales associates, Cynthia Buh, and said, without any prompting from her, “No, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is not dead yet. You’re thinking of Wilt Chamberlain.”

Cynthia replied, “How…How did you know what I was thinking? You read my mind!”

“No, I didn’t! April Fools’!” Britt exclaimed.

Cynthia cracked up and said, “You got me. Very funny.”

Hey! Hi. Excuse us, but here’s a new video from The Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron)!

Some of them Coach Murphy quotes written by one of TheDirk’s VPs of Marketing are on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency today. Check them out. Do you understand? Click here.

Hey! So, sometimes people are set ablaze. They should at least get funny mugs too that they can carry about the office. Check this one out. It also includes an unlicensed cute sleepy lion graphic!:

Or this one!…

Or this one!…