The Elders are at the LA Comedy Shorts Film Festival this Saturday, March the 7th, at 3:15 PM at the Downtown Independent Theater in Los Angeles.
Posts Tagged ‘funny’
Elders! New! Fairly Fun Facts!
Friday, March 6th, 2009First Elders Video of 2009! Hitler’s in It!
Thursday, January 22nd, 2009DIDYOUKNOW?
Thursday, June 19th, 2008DIDYAKNOW the telephone may not have been invented by Alexander Graham Bell? As a matter of fact, the phone may not havE EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET!
DIDYAKNOW that, earlier this week, Tim Russert went to Meet His Maker?
DIDYAKNOW that, when people try to remember the names of the three actors who played the Ghostbusters, they think the one that’s not Bill Murray or Dan Aykroyd is the hardest to remember, but in fact it’s really Dan Aykroyd who’s the HARDEST TO REMEMBER!
Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd (the one whose name is most often forgotten), and the other Ghostbuster actor
J. W. Westerfield Candies Label!
Thursday, April 17th, 2008
Headline – Poverty
Monday, December 17th, 2007
Population of Niger Village Starving Because of the Word “Lancinating”
Dakoro, Niger - This impoverished Niger town found itself on the precipice of either being able to feed its citizens to their fill or further crumbling under perpetual drought, starvation, and an utter lack of ATM machines.
Richard Pierson of St. Paul, MN, had a chance to change the seeming fate of this village. He was logged onto his computer and had browsed to FreeFood.com, a fundraising Web site which donates a certain amount of rice, bread, and protein to the hungry for each time a user matches the correct definition to a difficult vocabulary word.
“But I got to ‘lancinating’ and I picked ‘evil’ as what it meant but that’s not what it meant. So no rice got sent for that. Sorry, Dakoro,” shrugged Pierson.
“Lancinate” probably means “to organize.”
“That’s just how it goes, I’m afraid” sighed Phyllis Olivier, founder of the popular Web site. “We have the food in our warehouses ready to ship, but people need to know those words on our site before we can just send this stuff out willy nilly.”
Because of Pierson’s wrong choice, the people of Dakaro will continue to live in hunger and die at the average age of 27. The main source of revenue for the shriveled village is loose change left by chance on the wings of an airplane and then dropped by chance just as the airplane flies over Dakoro.
“Maybe I need to make the words easier on the site, ” said Olivier. “Whatever we can do to help these people.”
This Nigerien boy will starve to death because a guy didn’t know a word
Headlines – Romney
Friday, December 7th, 2007
Voters Horrified by Romney’s “Freaky” Mormon Belief that Jesus Rose from the Dead
College Station, TX - Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried to assuage voters’ concerns about his being Mormon this Thursday with a speech about his faith. But it may have backfired.
“I assumed Mormonism was pretty weird already. Now I hear from Mitt that his people believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead! Yeah, right. Jesus is a zombie. Whatever you say, wacky fella,” said Lisa Stansfield as she put on her coat after hearing the speech. “We don’t need a guy believing in that kind of sci-fi stuff in our White House. We need a guy who goes by the plain old Bible.”
“Apparently, the Mormons also have this belief that, in ancient times, God killed this one guy’s livestock, wife, and children just to test him. God doesn’t do that kind of stuff in the normal Christian religions, and there aren’t people with names like Job in those religions either,” said another attendee, Deborah Gibbons, a minister at a nearby Baptist church.
“I did appreciate that Mormons didn’t allow black people into their churches, at least until 1978. That was good to find out. But, yeah, their other beliefs are very strange,” chimed in Stan McClintock, who also watched the speech. “Mary being a virgin, another Mormon belief according to Romney, seems a bit odd seeing as how she HAD A FREAKING KID!” he continued sarcastically, eliciting laughter from other exiting attendees.
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney
Holiday Drinks at Donnie’s
Tuesday, December 4th, 2007So it is the holidays around now. To celebrate the holidays, at fucking Donnie’s Bar and Tavern were doing the secret Santa on Christmas afternoon, remember. The limits $15, were doing it white elephant style, and it can’t be a thing that, at the sight of it, would push people already close to the edge to the edge.
For uh decorations, the tree is up in my opinion (not in Deb’s opinion, though) and I got the picture of Santa that people can pass around.
Anyway, we got the Holiday drinks menu, so here it is:
The Fourth King – This is what Jesus H. would have been given by a fourth king/wise man if there was one. A bracing blend of Peirson’s (basically, a poor man’s poor man’s Everclear), mashed potato Schnapps, and fermented mythical gilderberries picked by a Bulgarian dude in a jealous fit of rage.
Tin Tree Star – 2 parts the first liquid that appears in the computer that day when Googling “Please, no,” the daily allowance of red wine as suggested by my buddy whose starting up an alternative to the FDA, a twist of “lime,” 2 parts this stuff the guy who sold it to me called “the future of eggnog,” and 1 part severe-grade gin.
The Santa Don’t Exist – A hot mug of Full Throttle energy drink spiked wit enough Walgreen’s brandy to make it so you forget what horrors the Ghost of Christmas Future shows you.
Headlines – Prayer and Evel and Such
Friday, November 30th, 2007
Banned from Praying in Schools, Children Take to Praying on the Streets, in Back Alleys
Charleston, SC – It seemed like a good idea at the time–and necessary considering the separation between Church and State clause of the Constitution. But what are its effects on the community? First, let’s at least mention what this news story is even about. It’s about the ban on prayer in our country’s public schools—and how, not only has the ban not ended the practice, it’s pushed many of our country’s youth into the streets and unsanitary back alleyways where prayer continues to thrive outside the purview of school policy.
“We did our job. We told the teachers and coaches they can’t lead any kind of worship during school hours, on school property, or at school-sponsored activities,” shrugged Paul Childers, principal of South Shore Brill Spring High School, a small school in the fairly lame Charleston suburbs. “But look at what the results are,” he said, pointing out his office window.
The scene on the high school lawn was stark to say the least: craven-eyed teenagers, who looked years beyond their age if not for the low-slung pants, torn black t-shirts and nose rings, all on their knees, muttering to God and others of His ilk in the mud of the rain-soaked lawn. “I don’t think our prayer ban has had much of an effect,” Childers smiled sarcastically. “Except to give these kids another thing to rebel with.” As he said that, one particularly gaunt sneering student gave his principal the finger in mid-crossing-himself.
“If kids want to do something, they’ll find a way to do it,” said Lily Best, advisor at Al’s Youth Issues Think Tank. “So when you ban such an activity, it can actually backfire because the activity will not only still be practiced but be practiced without any supervision or safety measure in place.”
And, as if on cue from Best’s statement, the U.S. Department of Crime later that day released their annual report stating that prayer-related crimes have increased 47% this last year.
A teenaged punk prays in dank alley
Evel Knievel Attempts 70-Year Life Span; Almost Succeeds
Headlines – A Coupla Things!
Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
Woman Says Couple’s Safety Word Before Boyfriend Can Kiss Her on Cheek
“I just came home from work. She was watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ I went to give her a peck on the cheek, and she says, ‘telescope.’ Never takes her eyes off the TV,” says boyfriend.
MAD Magazine Headquarters Explode During Staff’s Attempts to Write Parody of MAD
New York, NY – Early this morning, the employees of the Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco headquarters in the Chrysler Building in Manhattan wondered what that burning smell was and why smoke was pouring through this, the offices of one of the Fortune 50 Manufacturers of Smokeless Tobacco.
They soon found out. But almost not just in time.
“I took the elevator up a floor, to the Mad offices, and saw nothing but flames, smoke, and people dressed like characters from ‘The Squid and The Whale,’ said Verna Gonzalez, administrative assistant at Mail Pouch. Those flames and the choking smoke were, according to investigators, the wake of a tremendous explosion in one of the parody magazine’s conference rooms.
“The editor, several writers, and an illustrator were attempting to do what original publisher William Gaines always said should not be tried: parodying the magazine itself,” said Raymond Kelly, New York City Police Commissioner.
Witnesses claim the small group assembled in the conference room to begin to hash out the impossible issue. “They’d done a parody of ‘Bleccch’s Anatomy’ called ‘Bleecchbleeecch’s And That Crock Is Not On Me (TV)’ and you could tell that that alone almost destroyed them. They were sweating, looking really pale, couldn’t stand upright. Then, when they began to plan out the Fold-In fold-out, they started to vibrate and what could best be described as a vortex of dimensions turning in on themselves formed in the middle of the room and collapsed into a singularity and a blast like I’d never seen practically blinded me. A second later, I heard it, loud as hell,” said Branford Brack, Mad‘s head of solutions management. “Everyone was telling them before that to stop. But they kept on going saying, ‘We can do this and the world will be ours!’”
The names of the 34 killed in the explosion have not yet been released, but the event was declared by the NYPD to not be officially considered a tragedy as the dead did not include Sergio Aragones.
Recent issue of Mad magazine
Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron) Have This New Thing!
Tuesday, October 9th, 2007Here’s the new video from Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron). Pay whatever you feel is appropriate.