What’s up, ‘ho? Here’s some more office humor cliches we think need to be refreshed!!!

When you see two officemates who’re even very vaguely dressed alike:

OLD: “Hey! Did you guys call each other?” (Point back and forth between the two people’s clothes.)

NEW: “You guys are sort of dressed alike, but I tell the exact same jokes thousands of people have been telling for decades. Now that’s uncanny!”

Someone leaves for lunch, but comes right back because they forgot something:

OLD: “That was a quick lunch!”

NEW: “This isn’t what it looks like! I-I thought you were going to be gone for an hour!”

You see someone paying someone else back for a soda or something:

OLD: “Hey! Since you’re giving out money…! (Hold out your hand)”

NEW: “That reminds me: I’m so in debt that I can’t sleep nights!”

Someone brings their small child into the office:

OLD: “Hey! Is this the new sales associate?”

NEW: Don’t acknowledge the child, who will begin to realize, because of you, that not all adults are good people.

SECRETARY
How was your weekend, Mr. Prime Minister?

WINSTON CHURCHILL
Too short.

THE STORIED CHURCHILL witty comeback above is just one example of the countless “zingers” that helped lift British spirits during the German bombings and two other major events that would round out a nice list of three.

Office humor cliches have survived because they bolster the office environment’s blatant insincerity and tedium. However, we need new office humor cliches that even better capture the essence of the singularly soul-crushing modern office. Try these!

Upon running into someone for a second or third time that day:

OLD: “Hey! We gotta stop meeting like this!”
NEW: “When I saw you last, I asked you to put together that spreadsheet. I haven’t gotten it yet, and that’s unacceptable. Get it done.”

Seeing someone microwaving their lunch:

OLD: “Hey! What are you making me?”

NEW: “How much more time on this? I have stuff to microwave too.”

Walking past a temp filling in for Kathy for the day:

OLD: “Kathy, you look different today!”

NEW: “Oh, good! Another temp we have to spend most of the day training and who, for what’s left of the day, will do everything a little wrong and leave us worse off than if we had just done nothing until Kathy got back!”

Greeting the counterperson in the corporate cafeteria:

OLD: “Hey! You must have been up all night making this food, huh?”

NEW: “Some of that I guess.” (Point at the food you want.)

Leaving the office:

OLD: “Mañana!”

NEW: Silence.