GOP Candidate Romney Finds Compromise on Abortion Stance:

“If Everyone’s Worried about Back-Alley Abortions, Those Should be Banned Too.”

GOP Candidate Mitt Romney’s 54th grade school picture

Here’s the new video sketch by The Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron) of which one of our marketing VPs is a part.

Hey Dr. Science-Patterson! I understand that a water molecule is made up of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. But how do those different atoms together? - Swimming in Science in Schenectady, NY

Dear Swimming in Science - You seem to have missed a word between “atoms” and “together” in your question. I assume you meant to ask, “But how do those different atoms serious together,” which doesn’t make sense.

Water molecules or whatever

Here are more office humor cliches–those things people say in response to typical office situations even though they know they’re not worth saying. Then, per usual, our staff updated each cliche to better fit our modren times.

Here:

When a coworker introduces you to their non-work friend and the friend says to you, “Oh, yeah. I’ve heard about you”:

Old: “All good things, I hope! Ha! Ha!”

New: “There’s birds about me? Huh? Oh, you’ve heard about me. Probably not good things. Ha! Ha!”

When you’re in a meeting with a client who flew in from California to your cold Midwest state:

Old: “Thanks for flying all the way from California! Did you bring any of that beautiful weather with ya? Ha! Ha!”

New: “This harsh weather depresses me something special! It’s just gray and lifeless for months! Ha! Ha!”

When you get in the elevator at the end of the work day and it luckily doesn’t stop on any other floors between your company’s floor and the parking garage.

Old: “Hey, looks like we got the express! Ha! Ha!”

New: “Hmm? Oh, this is my floor already? Sorry, I was daydreaming about what could have been! Ha! Ha!”

When you come in in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday:

Old: “Is it Friday yet? Ha! Ha!”

New: “I wish I could just get on a horse and ride and ride and ride forever, the headwind blowing the tears off my face! Ha! Ha!”

—–

Woman Says Couple’s Safety Word Before Boyfriend Can Kiss Her on Cheek

“I just came home from work. She was watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ I went to give her a peck on the cheek, and she says, ‘telescope.’ Never takes her eyes off the TV,” says boyfriend.

MAD Magazine Headquarters Explode During Staff’s Attempts to Write Parody of MAD

New York, NY - Early this morning, the employees of the Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco headquarters in the Chrysler Building in Manhattan wondered what that burning smell was and why smoke was pouring through this, the offices of one of the Fortune 50 Manufacturers of Smokeless Tobacco.

They soon found out. But almost not just in time.

“I took the elevator up a floor, to the Mad offices, and saw nothing but flames, smoke, and people dressed like characters from ‘The Squid and The Whale,’ said Verna Gonzalez, administrative assistant at Mail Pouch. Those flames and the choking smoke were, according to investigators, the wake of a tremendous explosion in one of the parody magazine’s conference rooms.

“The editor, several writers, and an illustrator were attempting to do what original publisher William Gaines always said should not be tried: parodying the magazine itself,” said Raymond Kelly, New York City Police Commissioner.

Witnesses claim the small group assembled in the conference room to begin to hash out the impossible issue. “They’d done a parody of ‘Bleccch’s Anatomy’ called ‘Bleecchbleeecch’s And That Crock Is Not On Me (TV)’ and you could tell that that alone almost destroyed them. They were sweating, looking really pale, couldn’t stand upright. Then, when they began to plan out the Fold-In fold-out, they started to vibrate and what could best be described as a vortex of dimensions turning in on themselves formed in the middle of the room and collapsed into a singularity and a blast like I’d never seen practically blinded me. A second later, I heard it, loud as hell,” said Branford Brack, Mad’s head of solutions management. “Everyone was telling them before that to stop. But they kept on going saying, ‘We can do this and the world will be ours!’”

The names of the 34 killed in the explosion have not yet been released, but the event was declared by the NYPD to not be officially considered a tragedy as the dead did not include Sergio Aragones.

Recent issue of Mad magazine

Yes, we’re actually selling clothes! Currently, t-shirts. TheDirk.com staff is also currently testing snow pants, hoop skirts, and “brons.”

Click here to get you some of these garments.

What’s up, ‘ho? Here’s some more office humor cliches we think need to be refreshed!!!

When someone is introducing their new boyfriend around the office and he’s being told the name of about 30 of your coworkers:

OLD: “You better remember all these names! There’ll be a quiz later! Ha! Ha!”

NEW: “Hey.”

When someone is introducing their new boyfriend around the office and they introduce you as “my friend�:

OLD: “I pay her to say that! Ha! Ha!”

NEW: “Yeah. Hey.”

When someone says that they’ll be presenting a PowerPoint and, therefore, need that “projector thingy� set up in the conference room:

OLD: “‘Projector thingy.’ Is that the technical term? Ha! Ha!”

NEW: “Okay.”

Whenever someone says anything that you don’t have another joke ready for:

OLD: “Hey! That’d make a great name for a band!” For example, if someone says, “The vending machine sandwiches look old,” you’d say, “That’d make a great name for a band! ‘The Vending Machines Sandwiches’! Ha! Ha!”

NEW: (silence)

What’s up, ‘ho? Here’s some more office humor cliches we think need to be refreshed!!!

When you see two officemates who’re even very vaguely dressed alike:

OLD: “Hey! Did you guys call each other?” (Point back and forth between the two people’s clothes.)

NEW: “You guys are sort of dressed alike, but I tell the exact same jokes thousands of people have been telling for decades. Now that’s uncanny!”

Someone leaves for lunch, but comes right back because they forgot something:

OLD: “That was a quick lunch!”

NEW: “This isn’t what it looks like! I-I thought you were going to be gone for an hour!”

You see someone paying someone else back for a soda or something:

OLD: “Hey! Since you’re giving out money…! (Hold out your hand)”

NEW: “That reminds me: I’m so in debt that I can’t sleep nights!”

Someone brings their small child into the office:

OLD: “Hey! Is this the new sales associate?”

NEW: Don’t acknowledge the child, who will begin to realize, because of you, that not all adults are good people.