It's spring!  And that means...

Puritan Gravestones (PGs)!!!!

Our Massachusetts division sent out some of our Harvard interns to them old graveyards where the early Calvinist settlers buried each other.  Because these stones are so aged and eroded, it is simply impossible to read what is inscribed on them.  Therefore, our interns used a method by which the stones could be read.

"Whereupon hith bodye is layed to rest below this stone and colde earthe, the Judge Byron Edwards (aged 54 yrs of the age). Who Rid our towne of witches, recognizinge Them by their dancing ande sometimes sleeping ine past 4 thirty of the AM, thusly ending theyre probable reign of terror beforeee it even had chance to begin. Thise leaving us safe from all Evil but that of diseases, starvation, people crazed Of cabin fever, judges swayed by but the flimsiest of rumours, actual witches whom live in caves in the woodes and dine at will upone our offspringe, and the complete alienation of ourselves from the Naked Tribes as we have pissed them offe Something Speciale. Bute that's okay, It's not likee the Indians coulde teach anything To us about surviving in this unforgiving land.

November 12th, 1612 - Julye 18th, 1667"

 

"Plopped belowe isth The bodye of Jayne Alborn/daughter of Thomas and Deliverance Branford. Aged 24 yearse, 3 monthes and 1 day. 

This one nev'r marryed even as old as she wuz/But it is supposed shee Should be acknwlg'd, as she nev'r had childe, for at leaste not Ever giving into the Carnal gyrations, but merely lived withe another similarly chaste woman of Similar closely cropped-Hair /Let it also be rememberede that Jayne alsoe lent her Massive arms and sturdie hammer in forging the iron benches for our Great Churche/

Upon laying in this coffine' is the first she wears a dress wot resembles not pants of men. Let not her remissness to bear even a solitary child be her dyke to the riv'r of Heav'n.

1638 - 62"

 

"Beneath this hard Earth is Wedged the not completlie unexplored bodie of one (1) Hester Prynne. Her punishment for For Unlawful Carnal Knowledging a minister not just somee Dude, a minister - was...gette this...wearinge an "A" upon the bosom of her clothing! We recognize on thise stone, her cruel andeee Unusual punishment. For others who doth sinn around here merely face Beatings or e'en just being set Aflame and Grilled alive upon a stake. But poor Hester had to literally wear an A on her chest! And she was shunned by all the townspeople! How awful That Must have beene as our townspeople are of the peak in Humour and Engaging conversation and are not miserable bores who Do nothing bute slog and Labor like mindless Asses until they doth collapse into their Beds which e'en are made to be of the least of comfort because a Bad night's reste will somehow please God our Lorde.

February 1640 - April 1665"