Jewish Resident of Pennsylvania Town Offended by Town Hall Nativity Scene

Hardtown, PA – Byron McIntyre, one of about 1,000 Jewish residents of this quaint approximately 25,000 people peopled small Pennsylvania town, loves everything about Hardtown. He grew up here, married here, choked here once, and raises his children here.

So it’s with difficulty that he took his hometown to court. Specifically, McIntyre, a third-generation Jewish-American, is offended by the Nativity scene showcased on the front lawn of the Hardtown City Hall every Christmas season.

“I know I’m Jewish and am not big into Christmas and all,” said McIntyre. “But I got to think that Hardtown citizens of other denominations are also offended by the fact that the Jesus baby has a huge erection poking out of his crib.”

McIntyre also went on to list other items in the Nativity diorama that he found offensive: “Mary is making very non-virginal eyes at all of the Three Kings, her ass is motorized, the sheep are in black face, and a robotic voice over the speakers proclaims, ‘Put caramel in your mouth, then lick me nuts, letting the caramel kind of slip around!’ repeatedly in the cold winter night all night long.”

“This just isn’t what I think Hardtown should be displaying in its public spaces,” shrugged McIntyre. “And it needs to stop.”

“Pssh. The guy needs to relax,” said another resident of this once-thriving steel town. “I don’t know the Bible that well, but I assume that stuff is in it and it’s Christmas time. You know, during Rosh Hashanah, the town hall doesn’t have a big insulting ‘Kike’ sign out front. So his people are getting recognized too.”

The Nativity scene mentioned in this story cannot be shown in this paper

Use of Private Jet Loses Homeless Man the Chance for 50 Cents

Denver, CO – Winston Dranger is a homeless man who puts his head down at one shelter or another or, more often than not, in a dark alleyway in downtown Denver. He says he’s 47-years-old, but looks more like he’s reaching his mid-60′s. And, like others in his plight, he feeds himself only through the small amounts of change he can panhandle throughout the day. So losing a chance at 50 cents like he did today was earth-shattering.

“One of my buddies, Slats, in Boulder told me he talked to a guy who could spare a full-on buck. Slats took 50 of the cents and was nice enough to call me to come get t’other 50,” said Dranger. “Sos, I flew over in my Gulfstream. Well, it happens the guy got all insulted I came over in a private jet. Said I was the height of arrogance or some such. He didn’t give me the change and, well, here I am again. Nothing to [eat]. I guess there’s always tomorrow. I hope, anyways,” he said as the chill of the night air whipped through his threadbare coat.

Asked how he, a homeless man with literally no funds was able to “call” his friend in Boulder, Dranger said, “We can’t afford no mobile phones or nothing like that, of course. Sos Slats hologrammed hisself to me using the ‘poor man’s phone’ as we call it.”

Dranger’s Gulfstream jet. Many times Dranger is unable to stock the bar with even the most essential of grain alcohols

American Smiles as He Remembers 9/11

But Realizes Memory Grows Fonder

Brainresults, PA – Guy Parson, 32, was sitting on a friend’s balcony early on the morning of September 11, 2001. And they were looking towards downtown Manhattan. It was a beautiful day.

“I remember perfectly blue skies. Then, I saw a big pretty plane heading towards one of the World Trade Center towers. That was pretty neat. I also remember that plane kind of touching the tower, kind of stroking it, if I remember correctly. I also remember, earlier that morning, we had like this awesome watermelon at my friend’s apartment, like the sweetest I’ve ever had. Like honey, that stuff. I also remember not having to go into work that day or the next. It was a great day, although I realize that people tend to remember things better than they really were.”