Christmas Sale at Bryson’s!
December 16th, 2007Holiday Tip for Getting Some Kind of Acknowledgement!
December 14th, 2007When you’re pretty much the only one left in the office (everyone else has left town for Christmas with family) and you haven’t gotten a personal e-mail in 3 days, go to the restroom and wave your hand in front of the toilet sensor. There’s nothing better than that flush echoing in the empty bathroom proving to you that you exist to some extent!
Office Talk!
December 12th, 2007
If you’re in a meeting and you hear a police siren outside:
OLD: (turn to someone, doesn’t matter who) “Hey! Looks like they’re comin’ for ya! Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “Those are sirens. Let’s wait until they pass and, Ed, if you can repeat what you said about the template.”
Headlines – Bush
December 11th, 2007
Bush Scolds Congress for Rejecting His “Save Our Forests” Bill
Warshington, DC – Today, President George Bush scolded the largely-Democrat contingent of the Senate for voting against his “Save Our Forests” bill last night. “All these Democrats are claiming that the Republicans don’t care. That we’re not concerned with things. But it’s the Democrats who voted against the ‘Save Our Forests’ bill. Who’s cold-hearted now?”
The “Save Our Forests” bill proposed the mandatory beating down of illegal immigrants.
President Bush at the new (since 1800) capital city of Washington, DC
Also:
Four Fans Trampled to Death in Crowds at the Cambridge King’s College Chapel Choir’s Christmas Concert
The King’s College Chapel Choir Performing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Wiseman Saying Some Thing!
December 10th, 2007
“Give a man a fish, you feed him only once; give a man a fish every single day of his life, you feed him for a lifetime.” - Wiseman
Headlines – Romney
December 7th, 2007
Voters Horrified by Romney’s “Freaky” Mormon Belief that Jesus Rose from the Dead
College Station, TX - Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried to assuage voters’ concerns about his being Mormon this Thursday with a speech about his faith. But it may have backfired.
“I assumed Mormonism was pretty weird already. Now I hear from Mitt that his people believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead! Yeah, right. Jesus is a zombie. Whatever you say, wacky fella,” said Lisa Stansfield as she put on her coat after hearing the speech. “We don’t need a guy believing in that kind of sci-fi stuff in our White House. We need a guy who goes by the plain old Bible.”
“Apparently, the Mormons also have this belief that, in ancient times, God killed this one guy’s livestock, wife, and children just to test him. God doesn’t do that kind of stuff in the normal Christian religions, and there aren’t people with names like Job in those religions either,” said another attendee, Deborah Gibbons, a minister at a nearby Baptist church.
“I did appreciate that Mormons didn’t allow black people into their churches, at least until 1978. That was good to find out. But, yeah, their other beliefs are very strange,” chimed in Stan McClintock, who also watched the speech. “Mary being a virgin, another Mormon belief according to Romney, seems a bit odd seeing as how she HAD A FREAKING KID!” he continued sarcastically, eliciting laughter from other exiting attendees.
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney
Ask Dr. Science-Patterson!
December 5th, 2007
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Is it true that no two snowflakes are identical? - Snow Blind in Syracuse, NY
Dear Snow Blind – That is true. Sometimes the difference is very slight, sometimes it’s quite drastic. For example, I once witnessed a pair where one was quite small, white, and took on a star-shaped crystalline pattern whilst the other was gray, significantly heavier, and mall-like in its sheer size and in its store- and kettle korn vendor-esque structures full of people partaking in commerce-esque type activities.
Hey, kids. Please send more of your science questions if you feel you need to.
Non-identical snowflakes
Holiday Drinks at Donnie’s
December 4th, 2007So it is the holidays around now. To celebrate the holidays, at fucking Donnie’s Bar and Tavern were doing the secret Santa on Christmas afternoon, remember. The limits $15, were doing it white elephant style, and it can’t be a thing that, at the sight of it, would push people already close to the edge to the edge.
For uh decorations, the tree is up in my opinion (not in Deb’s opinion, though) and I got the picture of Santa that people can pass around.
Anyway, we got the Holiday drinks menu, so here it is:
The Fourth King – This is what Jesus H. would have been given by a fourth king/wise man if there was one. A bracing blend of Peirson’s (basically, a poor man’s poor man’s Everclear), mashed potato Schnapps, and fermented mythical gilderberries picked by a Bulgarian dude in a jealous fit of rage.
Tin Tree Star – 2 parts the first liquid that appears in the computer that day when Googling “Please, no,” the daily allowance of red wine as suggested by my buddy whose starting up an alternative to the FDA, a twist of “lime,” 2 parts this stuff the guy who sold it to me called “the future of eggnog,” and 1 part severe-grade gin.
The Santa Don’t Exist – A hot mug of Full Throttle energy drink spiked wit enough Walgreen’s brandy to make it so you forget what horrors the Ghost of Christmas Future shows you.
Holiday Scary Story! The Pulchritudinous* Dresednya, Part I (1)
December 3rd, 2007By Thurston Breekes, 1837
Dresednya was the most beautiful woman in the hamlet. So glorious was her porcelain skin, so lush her feathered raven-coloured hair, and so unsettling the shape and movement of her bustle that she could only take her outdoor daily constitutional once the evening was established. Through this strategy, Dresednya believed she would not be as likely noticed by the town’s gentlemen, male beasts of burden, and women who shun the ribbons and frilly nature that otherwise typifies their gentle gender.
Still, the occasional businessman, barrister, exploiter, or ladies’ advice columnist would often, after a supper probably not worthy of his day’s efforts, step out onto his veranda to escape the stifling environment created by the wife who insists on interaction. And, while enjoying a session with his snuff or performing a deserved release, such a gentleman could not be expected to but not but help glimpse Dresednya’s smooth-edged shadow even in the night and find a story in his visionary mind in which he assume the role of strapping young hero, who bravely follows her shrieks of distress and, upon finding her, shoves that which dangles from his less cultivated regions up within her.
What also added to Dresednya’s aura of mystery was the simple fact that no one could answer whence she came. She was simply a part of the hamlet’s dramatis personae as long as anyone could remember. No one could have not either nor neither claimed to have seen the inside of her home as well. Those gentlemen who imagined breaking into her abode and forcing themselves upon her were at a loss as whether to daydream bending her over a Rococo chair, laying her acrost a rough peasant-style table, or pouring her into George III-style gravy boat .
Dresednya also wore always a blood red-coloured ribbon around her single soft delicate neck.
(to be continued)
*Beautiful, even though the word sounds like it should mean the exact opposite.
Headlines – Prayer and Evel and Such
November 30th, 2007
Banned from Praying in Schools, Children Take to Praying on the Streets, in Back Alleys
Charleston, SC – It seemed like a good idea at the time–and necessary considering the separation between Church and State clause of the Constitution. But what are its effects on the community? First, let’s at least mention what this news story is even about. It’s about the ban on prayer in our country’s public schools—and how, not only has the ban not ended the practice, it’s pushed many of our country’s youth into the streets and unsanitary back alleyways where prayer continues to thrive outside the purview of school policy.
“We did our job. We told the teachers and coaches they can’t lead any kind of worship during school hours, on school property, or at school-sponsored activities,” shrugged Paul Childers, principal of South Shore Brill Spring High School, a small school in the fairly lame Charleston suburbs. “But look at what the results are,” he said, pointing out his office window.
The scene on the high school lawn was stark to say the least: craven-eyed teenagers, who looked years beyond their age if not for the low-slung pants, torn black t-shirts and nose rings, all on their knees, muttering to God and others of His ilk in the mud of the rain-soaked lawn. “I don’t think our prayer ban has had much of an effect,” Childers smiled sarcastically. “Except to give these kids another thing to rebel with.” As he said that, one particularly gaunt sneering student gave his principal the finger in mid-crossing-himself.
“If kids want to do something, they’ll find a way to do it,” said Lily Best, advisor at Al’s Youth Issues Think Tank. “So when you ban such an activity, it can actually backfire because the activity will not only still be practiced but be practiced without any supervision or safety measure in place.”
And, as if on cue from Best’s statement, the U.S. Department of Crime later that day released their annual report stating that prayer-related crimes have increased 47% this last year.
A teenaged punk prays in dank alley
Evel Knievel Attempts 70-Year Life Span; Almost Succeeds
