“I live by the philosophy of ‘If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ For example, I was recently burdened with a great deal of money. But I didn’t fret or feel sorry for myself. Instead, I used the money to buy lots and lots of things I like.”
- Wise Man

“Helpful hint: Use your fingers for counting! The four fingers and the thumb of the left hand and the four fingers of the right hand are perfect for counting 1 through 9. The thumb of the right hand also seems to be reasonable for finishing the count to 10.” - Wiseman

“Here’s a suggestion: make scrambled eggs and then leave them sitting out in the pan for four or more hours before you eat them. They taste pretty good. Not as good as eating them right after you cooked them, but, hey, that’s life.” - Wiseman

“If you told me 15 years ago that people would be able to put their entire music collection on a device the size of a credit card, and you did it in that funny Yoda voice you do, I would have laughed.” - Wiseman

“When eating fondue whilst on the toilet, be sure to hold the Sterno very firmly between your knees.” – Wise Man

“Drinking and driving is not funny. I’m not sure why…I think it’s just too slapsticky or something.” – Wise Man

“Never make fun of people unless they are different.” – Wise Man

“To assume makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’ But to hugefreakingdumbassume is much worse.”

-Wise Man

“‘Catch a fish for someone, feed them for a day; show them how to fish, feed them for life’ is no longer true. Showing someone how to fish feeds them for only 49 years.”

-Wise Man