Congratulations to one of our VPs of Marketing. NBC (and the WGA strike) has given him, an aspiring TV writer, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down: to write an upcoming episode of “The Office”! Below is the first act:

INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN — MICHAEL’S OFFICE — DAY

MICHAEL sitting at his desk.

MICHAEL

(to camera)

Today, we are having a Fart of July party. It’s always been my favorite holiday and…

New character, BRENDAN, in his 40s, real Chinese-y type Chinese and hilarious, who sits in Michael’s office for some reason, whispers in Michael’s ear. Even the way he whispers is really funny to the point it makes the viewing audience laugh.

Michael thinks about what Brendan told him and, over the course of the next five minutes, he realizes what he said is wrong.

MICHAEL

Oops! I mean Fourth of July! I thought it was called Fart of July!

Michael crosses his eyes and makes a funny face.

DWIGHT enters and comes in.

DWIGHT

No, it isn’t. It’s called Fourth of July! It’s the birth of our nation (or some other nerdy factoid like that)!

MICHAEL

Well, we made those ads saying happy Fart of July and remember how we won that contest that the prize was that we could put an ad on the Superbowl? Well, the Superbowl is tomorrow and they have the ads that say Happy Fart Fart of July! We have to stop them from running those ads for the whole world to see! And why didn’t you, Dwight, correct me when we made the ads?

DWIGHT

I will go right now to the Superbowl company and get those ads off!

Runs out the door putting his coat on really funny-like.

CUT TO:

Dwight in interview room.

DWIGHT

(to camera, smirking confidently)

I’m not worried.

(he raises his left eyebrow kind of evilly)

I’ll get that ad back from the Superbowl people in no time.

(He kind of closes his eyes when he says “attain the rank” in the next line, like an arrogant person would)

I was in the military and I didn’t attain the rank of…

(When he says, “idiot” in this next line, he doesn’t realize how that rank is a double entendre for how he’s an idiot, so he doesn’t say it as if calling himself an idiot because, again–can’t stress this enough–he doesn’t realize it)

…idiot captain for nothing! Off I go!

He runs out the door and to his car. He slips and falls on the ice in the parking lot and breaks his leg.

CUT TO:

INT. REGULAR PART OF THE OFFICE — AT PAM’S DESK THING — CONTINUOUS

PAM, whose breasts are bigger than usual, and JIM conspire about pranking Dwight, who sits working at his desk.

PAM

What should we do, big boy?

JIM

I say we prank Dwight.

PAM

Mmm. I like the way ya think! I took a bunch of art classes, so I think I have an idea…

She winks and keeps shaking her hips. The BLACK GUY shakes his head in disgust in the background.

BLACK GUY

(to himself)

Jive turkeys.

Dwight is just minding his own business doing sales or whatever at his desk when a GHOST appears out of the ether.

GHOST

Dwiiiiiiiight!

DWIGHT

(nervous)

Yes, strange spirit?

GHOST

(improvises something very funny or even hilarious)

Dwight does what the ghost asks.

Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh as we realize Pam is controlling the ghost.

MICHAEL

Okay. Everyone. Let’s have a meeting!

That real nerdy HR guy comes up.

HR GUY NERD

Michael, don’t do anything wrong. I’m a wuss.

MICHAEL

(like how Michael would say it)
Will you please stop ruining this kind of thing?

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MICHAEL

(not realizing how he’s saying something so wrong)

I do not like Jewish people.

Everyone in awkward silence. CREED slaps his forehead.

CREED
Michael, what you just said is so inappropriate! Really! I declare!

MICHAEL

I’m sorry…not!

Everyone laughs at Michael’s joke. This makes Angela put on sexier clothes than she normally wears.

The GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW stands up and says that line from a few episodes ago that was so funny:

GUY FROM DAILY SHOW

Someone didn’t take awesome lessons.

DENISE throws a hair curler.

It’s hard to say if KELLY is in the meeting.

Michael goes back to his office. The meeting is over.

PLEASE FADE TO:

INT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The HEAD GUY IN THE WAREHOUSE is sitting there doing paperwork when ANOTHER WAREHOUSE GUY walks by carrying a pole over his shoulder.

HEAD GUY

Hey, you!

OTHER GUY

Huh?

He spins around such that the pole hits Head Guy in the face (for some reason this hasn’t been done on the Office yet).

A guy named CHARLES walks in.

CHARLES

Hey, can I have a job here?

HEAD GUY

Oh, you’re that one scab worker guy that crossed the picket line when we striked last year. You worked here the whole time we were on strike. I’m not hiring you!

CHARLES

I didn’t want to cross the line, but I had to.

HEAD GUY
All right. You can work here. You were such an amazing worker anyway, I heard. You thought of great things we never did.

CUT TO:

Jim in interview room.

JIM

Office life is so mundane. Selling paper is mundane. We are stuck in dead-end jobs here in suburbia. We’re going to Chili’s for lunch. The copier’s broken. And some other mundane things.

END ACT ONE

Yes, the staff will be at the orchard for St. Keith’s holiday until Tuesday, 13 November, 2007.

To: AllCompany

From: Susan White

Date: October 31, 2007 4:32 PM

Here are the winners of the costume contest we had today

1. Dan Branson — 70’s disco outfit (also most Creative). Even had the shirt with big collar and afro wig. He wore it last year too, so it could also be said he dressed as his last year’s self which earns 7 “meta” points.

2. Josh Nelson — Spock on “Star Trek”. Felix Wayner also did Spock but Josh went the extra mile by having the pointy eyebrows and the pointy ears, black hair and a blue shirt and boots.

3. Erin DeLunier — Angel. Erin was not able to wear costume because of the meeting with Telex but said he would’ve had real feather wings and a halo that really floated above his head and would have taken us to Our Heavenly Father’s throne room. (This also gets Most Original.)

(BTW, some of you were wondering what’s the difference between the Most Original and Most Creative categories. None of the judges knew the answer to that but they did confirm that they are in fact judged differently.)

4. Rudolph Vern — Thierry Amar of Yiddish folk band Black Ox Orkestar. Did the way he walks pretty well too.

5. Susana Hernandez — Sexy nurse. Nice touch with nurses’ hat and the Red Cross shaped nipple tassles.

6. Geoff Shierry — (also scariest costume of the day winner) Vampire. Yusef Shaloub also was a vampire but vampires look different than he did.

7. Marybeth Baker — wore a mask.

8. Randall Short — either the California Raisins or a phone

9. Wei Wang — (also Most Funny) an extremely sad mother

10. Chelsea Winter — a retrospective of Italian film

Your participation in the fun today demonstrates our World Products spirit. Happy halloween.

Sheryl White

Asst. LVP of Human Resources

swhite@worldproducts.com

(343)764-1290

“If you love your work, it’s not work!”

_______________________________________

To: Susan White

From: Dan Epstein

Date: October 31, 2007 4:48 PM

Sheryl,

Just FYI. The items Susana wore upon her bosom today are spelled “tassels.” “Tassles,” as from your e-mail of 4:32 pm today, spells something of which I am not familiar.

~Dan

Dan Epstein

Sr. IT Engineer

depstein(at)worldproducts.com

(343)764-1284

“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” - Douglas Adams

________________________________________________________________________________

To: Dan Epstein

From: Susan White

Date: October 31, 2007 5:07 PM

okay

Sheryl White

Asst. LVP of Human Resources

swhite@worldproducts.com

(343)764-1290

“If you love your work, it’s not work!”

 

Today, we wanted to honor a giant of humor prose and who better fits that description than Woody Allen? James Thurber. Below, we reprint his classic New Yorker piece, “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”:

“I’m going to kill myself,” the Commander muttered to himself as he stood on the wobbly chair in his sultry motel room in the middle of this endless lonely Arizona desert. “Jesus. I’m so sad. I’ll just put this noose around my neck and fall into the sweet sleep of forever…”

“Walter! What in Heaven’s name are you doing now?” barked Mrs. Mitty. Walter Mitty woke out of his daydream and looked back at his wife, in the seat beside him, with shocked astonishment. She seemed grossly unfamiliar, like a strange woman who had yelled at him in a crowd. She had gotten back into the car after finishing her hair appointment at the New Milford salon.

“Why do you have that gun to your head?” she asked.

“I’m going to kill myself,” Walter replied.

Radiohead did not include artwork with their new album. So whatever you had put in your iTunes thinking it was the artwork, it wasn’t.

Anyways, the TheDirk staff has developed these over the last two days and just finished testing them. Feel free to use (them).

2.5 of the 3 Stooges

These have been slightly revised and we wanted someone to see them:

Dear Penthouse:

I never thought this could happen to me.

First of all, I’m a plumber, and with an occupation such as this, you always meet the most interesting people…and the most sexy (as far as I can tell in my limited experience)!

At one morning appointment, I was greeted at the door by a woman! Her enormous bosom, her amber hair, and her petite but pert breasts and her other-genderousness were driving me figuratively mad!

When I got home, my wife could “see” the lust in my eyes.

Immediately, right there in the kitchen, we ate dinner with our kids, watched some TV, and went to the bedroom (thus exiting the kitchen, if you know what I mean!).

We put away our clothes and before you know it, I was literally kissing my wife. Things were getting warmed up. She didn’t need to say anything, but her not pulling away and her still being married to me after seven years was her way of saying, “Sure, I guess!”

“I was wondering if you would try doing fellatio,” I asked.

“No,” she purred.

Soon, we were making love in the missionary position! I couldn’t believe it! It was something we never dared propose to each other. Before this, we’d always relied on a position which involved us being in two separate rooms.

She said she didn’t enjoy it…much!

But that wasn’t all: we also hugged and stroked each other’s hair and eventually fell asleep like animals!

Dear Penthouse:

I never thought this could happen to me…

One night, I guess I was speeding as I drove home after work. I was almost on my last nerve when I heard the sirens and saw the police lights closing in behind me. I was being pulled over.

But I was pleasantly surprised to find that the policeman walking towards my car was not a man at all. And, as she got closer, it became apparent she was a woman. A hot woman. And, might I add, she looked mighty tasty in the navy blue micro-mini and 6-inch high stiletto boots typically issued to policewomen.

When she got to the driver’s side window, she bent down oh-so-slowly (maybe slightly too slowly). I could not keep my eyes off her almost-great cleavage. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” she asked oh-so-sternly as she took off her hat and shook out her long black hair.

“N-no,” I replied. I could barely speak.

“You were going 65 in a 35 mile per hour zone,” she said while simultaneously licking her luscious lips. “And whipping around that curve like that, you could have killed that family walking back to their car from the beach,” she added with a touch of tease.

Without hesitation, I grabbed my license and gave it to her. I knew she wanted it (she asked for it). Then, we got to talking. She said she likes The Smiths. Right there, against the hood of my car, I said I do too. Then we talked for like half an hour about Morrissey. How he really articulates an — up until he came along, anyway — anti-rock and roll concept: shyness and indecision. I’ve never met a woman who liked him and his music as much as I do–and in the same way too. It seemed like she was getting into talking to me. But I couldn’t tell for sure.

Was she was interested in me? Or was she just…I didn’t want to make a move or ask her out and then have her freak. You know, like, “No I don’t want to go out with you! Why does every guy I talk to assume I want to go out with him? Christ!” So, after she gave me my ticket, without hesitation, I hesitated, awkwardly said, “Bye,” and sped off.

But, as I drove away, I was haunted by the fact that she may not have minded if I asked her out. She kind of gave me a look when I said bye. Didn’t she? And she did say, “I never get to talk about The Smiths. This was really nice.” Why would she say that, in that way, if she wasn’t at least trying to show some interest? I shouldn’t have rushed the conversation like that! I should have asked her out! Why did I question it? I have to stop second-guessing myself! For the rest of the drive and for a few hours in the dark of my lonely apartment, I mentally tortured myself like a stallion (torturing itself).

Dear Penthouse:

You have an e-greeting from

your mother

at http://www.bluemountain.com/birthdaywishes/4r9889u3ili?crig/penthouse

Click on the link above and enjoy!

“It’s not like he’d be able to lift that building with his bare hands and just walk it over here.”
“Well, it’s not as hard as it seems.”
“What?”
“I’m not saying any human could come close to doing it; I’m just saying I bet it’s not exactly as hard as it seems. Probably a little less hard.”

Pheron, who lived several centuries prior to the birth of Jesus H. Christ, the main character of the Bible, is considered the leader of a school of thought typically referred to as something. Pheron’s apprentice and influential ancient Athenian thinker in his own right, John Cho, wrote the Pheronic dialogues to record the man’s philosophies and dialectic methods which influence Western and Mid-Western thought today still. The one most recently discovered is right below:

Of Virtue

Mylo: Can you tell me, Pheron, whether virtue is acquired by teaching or by practice; or if neither by teaching nor practice, then whether it comes to man by nature, or in what other way?

Pheron: O Mylo, I could only answer that if I knew what is meant by this word “virtue.�

Mylo: Are you in earnest, Pheron, in saying that you do not know what virtue is?

Pheron: Not only that, my dear boy, but I am positing that you too do not know what virtue is.

Mylo: Why it’s quite easy. It’s simply moral excellence; righteousness.

Pheron: Yes. But what does it mean to be moral?

Mylo: To be good.

Pheron: Oh. Okay, that makes sense now. I thought moral was maybe a type of…Doesn’t matter. Okay. So, yeah, now virtue also makes sense.