‘Tis the season…for the holidays, that is! And greeting cards provide words, which are a way of conveying those holiday sentiments that just can’t be fully expressed through mere silence or acts of compassion and love. And what better words than those of our most classic songs and films? Huh?

from Dr. Dre’s song “Let Me Ride”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

from David Mamet’s film “Glengarry Glen Ross”

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from Larry Clark and Harmony Korine’s film “Kids”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

from Todd Solondz’s film “Happiness”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

When you’re pretty much the only one left in the office (everyone else has left town for Christmas with family) and you haven’t gotten a personal e-mail in 3 days, go to the restroom and wave your hand in front of the toilet sensor. There’s nothing better than that flush echoing in the empty bathroom proving to you that you exist to some extent!

By Thurston Breekes, 1837

Dresednya was the most beautiful woman in the hamlet. So glorious was her porcelain skin, so lush her feathered raven-coloured hair, and so unsettling the shape and movement of her bustle that she could only take her outdoor daily constitutional once the evening was established. Through this strategy, Dresednya believed she would not be as likely noticed by the town’s gentlemen, male beasts of burden, and women who shun the ribbons and frilly nature that otherwise typifies their gentle gender.

Still, the occasional businessman, barrister, exploiter, or ladies’ advice columnist would often, after a supper probably not worthy of his day’s efforts, step out onto his veranda to escape the stifling environment created by the wife who insists on interaction. And, while enjoying a session with his snuff or performing a deserved release, such a gentleman could not be expected to but not but help glimpse Dresednya’s smooth-edged shadow even in the night and find a story in his visionary mind in which he assume the role of strapping young hero, who bravely follows her shrieks of distress and, upon finding her, shoves that which dangles from his less cultivated regions up within her.

What also added to Dresednya’s aura of mystery was the simple fact that no one could answer whence she came. She was simply a part of the hamlet’s dramatis personae as long as anyone could remember. No one could have not either nor neither claimed to have seen the inside of her home as well. Those gentlemen who imagined breaking into her abode and forcing themselves upon her were at a loss as whether to daydream bending her over a Rococo chair, laying her acrost a rough peasant-style table, or pouring her into George III-style gravy boat .

Dresednya also wore always a blood red-coloured ribbon around her single soft delicate neck.

(to be continued)

*Beautiful, even though the word sounds like it should mean the exact opposite.

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse. For some reason, the man is in the bathroom! Maybe he’s shitting or pissing. I’ll see if, instead, we can talk somewhere else more conducive to discussing the horse, if you know what I mean.

Jesus! I need to see a man about a horse really bad, if you know what I mean! I drank too many Canfields! Can you pull over?

Excuse me, I have to go speak to a few lawyers about the viability of suing the sculptor who misrepresented me in that statue he did of me, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I have to go do what a stout, mustachioed, latex shorts-wearing German man would have to do when he has to go to the bathroom, if you know what I mean!

Seriously, I’ll just see a man about a horse in those trees over there. Please just pull over! That whole thing about the Buzz Saw Killer in these woods is a myth, if you know what I mean!

Great! I just saw a man about a horse in my pants! Now, there’s what-happens-when-you-see-a-man-about-a-horse all over my suit and the car seat! Why didn’t you pull over, if you know what I mean?

It’s going to be a very long process, but I need to start talks with all the interested parties now. We’ll also discuss next steps and get a road map drawn up. This may also entail quite a bit of travel as I’ll need to start reviewing the improvements to their facilities, if you know what I mean!

A terlit

In that autumn of 1621, the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians gathered near Plymouth to have what is now the most famous of Thanksgiving feasts.

Up until now, researchers (and academics!) have been unable to find any record of the prayer the Puritans said before this meal. However, TheDirk.com staff found it at a library recently.

Here is the first Thanksgiving Day grace:

 

For more Puritan humor, click this!

“I was strongly considering going vegan a while ago; I just thought it was a moral responsibility to do so. But I found out that vegans aren’t supposed to eat steak.”

Congratulations to one of our VPs of Marketing. NBC (and the WGA strike) has given him, an aspiring TV writer, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down: to write an upcoming episode of “The Office”! Below is the first act:

INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN — MICHAEL’S OFFICE — DAY

MICHAEL sitting at his desk.

MICHAEL

(to camera)

Today, we are having a Fart of July party. It’s always been my favorite holiday and…

New character, BRENDAN, in his 40s, real Chinese-y type Chinese and hilarious, who sits in Michael’s office for some reason, whispers in Michael’s ear. Even the way he whispers is really funny to the point it makes the viewing audience laugh.

Michael thinks about what Brendan told him and, over the course of the next five minutes, he realizes what he said is wrong.

MICHAEL

Oops! I mean Fourth of July! I thought it was called Fart of July!

Michael crosses his eyes and makes a funny face.

DWIGHT enters and comes in.

DWIGHT

No, it isn’t. It’s called Fourth of July! It’s the birth of our nation (or some other nerdy factoid like that)!

MICHAEL

Well, we made those ads saying happy Fart of July and remember how we won that contest that the prize was that we could put an ad on the Superbowl? Well, the Superbowl is tomorrow and they have the ads that say Happy Fart Fart of July! We have to stop them from running those ads for the whole world to see! And why didn’t you, Dwight, correct me when we made the ads?

DWIGHT

I will go right now to the Superbowl company and get those ads off!

Runs out the door putting his coat on really funny-like.

CUT TO:

Dwight in interview room.

DWIGHT

(to camera, smirking confidently)

I’m not worried.

(he raises his left eyebrow kind of evilly)

I’ll get that ad back from the Superbowl people in no time.

(He kind of closes his eyes when he says “attain the rank” in the next line, like an arrogant person would)

I was in the military and I didn’t attain the rank of…

(When he says, “idiot” in this next line, he doesn’t realize how that rank is a double entendre for how he’s an idiot, so he doesn’t say it as if calling himself an idiot because, again–can’t stress this enough–he doesn’t realize it)

…idiot captain for nothing! Off I go!

He runs out the door and to his car. He slips and falls on the ice in the parking lot and breaks his leg.

CUT TO:

INT. REGULAR PART OF THE OFFICE — AT PAM’S DESK THING — CONTINUOUS

PAM, whose breasts are bigger than usual, and JIM conspire about pranking Dwight, who sits working at his desk.

PAM

What should we do, big boy?

JIM

I say we prank Dwight.

PAM

Mmm. I like the way ya think! I took a bunch of art classes, so I think I have an idea…

She winks and keeps shaking her hips. The BLACK GUY shakes his head in disgust in the background.

BLACK GUY

(to himself)

Jive turkeys.

Dwight is just minding his own business doing sales or whatever at his desk when a GHOST appears out of the ether.

GHOST

Dwiiiiiiiight!

DWIGHT

(nervous)

Yes, strange spirit?

GHOST

(improvises something very funny or even hilarious)

Dwight does what the ghost asks.

Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh as we realize Pam is controlling the ghost.

MICHAEL

Okay. Everyone. Let’s have a meeting!

That real nerdy HR guy comes up.

HR GUY NERD

Michael, don’t do anything wrong. I’m a wuss.

MICHAEL

(like how Michael would say it)
Will you please stop ruining this kind of thing?

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MICHAEL

(not realizing how he’s saying something so wrong)

I do not like Jewish people.

Everyone in awkward silence. CREED slaps his forehead.

CREED
Michael, what you just said is so inappropriate! Really! I declare!

MICHAEL

I’m sorry…not!

Everyone laughs at Michael’s joke. This makes Angela put on sexier clothes than she normally wears.

The GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW stands up and says that line from a few episodes ago that was so funny:

GUY FROM DAILY SHOW

Someone didn’t take awesome lessons.

DENISE throws a hair curler.

It’s hard to say if KELLY is in the meeting.

Michael goes back to his office. The meeting is over.

PLEASE FADE TO:

INT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The HEAD GUY IN THE WAREHOUSE is sitting there doing paperwork when ANOTHER WAREHOUSE GUY walks by carrying a pole over his shoulder.

HEAD GUY

Hey, you!

OTHER GUY

Huh?

He spins around such that the pole hits Head Guy in the face (for some reason this hasn’t been done on the Office yet).

A guy named CHARLES walks in.

CHARLES

Hey, can I have a job here?

HEAD GUY

Oh, you’re that one scab worker guy that crossed the picket line when we striked last year. You worked here the whole time we were on strike. I’m not hiring you!

CHARLES

I didn’t want to cross the line, but I had to.

HEAD GUY
All right. You can work here. You were such an amazing worker anyway, I heard. You thought of great things we never did.

CUT TO:

Jim in interview room.

JIM

Office life is so mundane. Selling paper is mundane. We are stuck in dead-end jobs here in suburbia. We’re going to Chili’s for lunch. The copier’s broken. And some other mundane things.

END ACT ONE

Yes, the staff will be at the orchard for St. Keith’s holiday until Tuesday, 13 November, 2007.