Use of Private Jet Loses Homeless Man the Chance for 50 Cents

Denver, CO – Winston Dranger is a homeless man who puts his head down at one shelter or another or, more often than not, in a dark alleyway in downtown Denver. He says he’s 47-years-old, but looks more like he’s reaching his mid-60′s. And, like others in his plight, he feeds himself only through the small amounts of change he can panhandle throughout the day. So losing a chance at 50 cents like he did today was earth-shattering.

“One of my buddies, Slats, in Boulder told me he talked to a guy who could spare a full-on buck. Slats took 50 of the cents and was nice enough to call me to come get t’other 50,” said Dranger. “Sos, I flew over in my Gulfstream. Well, it happens the guy got all insulted I came over in a private jet. Said I was the height of arrogance or some such. He didn’t give me the change and, well, here I am again. Nothing to [eat]. I guess there’s always tomorrow. I hope, anyways,” he said as the chill of the night air whipped through his threadbare coat.

Asked how he, a homeless man with literally no funds was able to “call” his friend in Boulder, Dranger said, “We can’t afford no mobile phones or nothing like that, of course. Sos Slats hologrammed hisself to me using the ‘poor man’s phone’ as we call it.”

Dranger’s Gulfstream jet. Many times Dranger is unable to stock the bar with even the most essential of grain alcohols

American Smiles as He Remembers 9/11

But Realizes Memory Grows Fonder

Brainresults, PA – Guy Parson, 32, was sitting on a friend’s balcony early on the morning of September 11, 2001. And they were looking towards downtown Manhattan. It was a beautiful day.

“I remember perfectly blue skies. Then, I saw a big pretty plane heading towards one of the World Trade Center towers. That was pretty neat. I also remember that plane kind of touching the tower, kind of stroking it, if I remember correctly. I also remember, earlier that morning, we had like this awesome watermelon at my friend’s apartment, like the sweetest I’ve ever had. Like honey, that stuff. I also remember not having to go into work that day or the next. It was a great day, although I realize that people tend to remember things better than they really were.”

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Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey, Jr., Starts Slogan Chant Without Intending To

Denver, CO – Bob Casey, Jr., senator of Pennsylvania wrote his speech quickly and it showed.

“I realized as I was speaking that I had some embarrassing repetition in (the speech),” admitted Casey. “I said, ‘We can’t have four more years of the same Bush-style policies; just four more months’ when I spoke about the prospect of (Senator John) McCain becoming president. I got some great cheers on that, and was pretty excited. But, then, I said, ‘We can’t have four more years of tax cuts for the wealthy while the least of us suffer; just four more months.’ When I realized I said the four more months thing again, my stomach dropped. How amateur is that to use the same phrase two sentences in a row? Then the crowd starting chanting, ‘Four more months!’ They were making fun of me!”

As a matter of fact, Casey said the same phrase in the next three sentences straight, each time, the crowd repeating it back at him. It soon came to the point that the crowd repeated “Four more months” to such volume and insistence that Casey found it difficult to continue to the next passages in his speech. Frustrated by the oversight of having included the same phrase in his speech five sentences in a row and of being mocked, Casey seemed to hit a turning point.

“Shut up! Shut the f*** up!” Casey screamed at one point, storming to the front of the stage and swinging his Pennsylvania-born fists at several in the front row.

Those Named Big Business Upset By Building Negative Connotation

Spirit, NH – “I get nothing but grief for my name,” said Big Business MacCready, 24-year-old accountant in this small town in New Hampshire. “And the Democratic Convention isn’t helping matters. If I was to believe those politicians, apparently big business is the core of all evil in this country.”

MacCready was given the contentious first name when his mother, who wanted to name him Shamus, and his father, who thought Ryan had a nice ring to it, couldn’t agree. After days of arguing, they finally settled on a name they both could live with even if they didn’t love it.

“And, at the time, in the early-80s, Big Business wasn’t such a pariah,” sighed MacCready as he walked to the Starbucks counter to pick up his latte, enjoying the slight respite of the barista mispronouncing his name as “Bij Busyness.”