Bush Sways So Far from Answering a Reporter’s Question that Reporter’s Life Is Ruined

Warshington, DC - At this morning’s news conference at The White House, reporter for the Washington Post, Anthony Price, found himself arrested and his life altered for the worse as a result of the extent to which President Bush did not answer his question.

Click here to hear the clip.

Another Big Twist in the Startling Case of the Hammerhead Shark Virgin Birth

Was Not a Virgin Birth; Mother Had Mated

United States Prime Minister Orders Iraq Pullout

Warshington, DC - “Four years and it’s only gotten worse in Iraq. It’s time to get out,” decreed United States Prime Minister Susan Lucci. “And I’ve already ordered the president to begin the pullout immediately.”

Speaking this morning to a pool of reporters in front of the Blake Mansion, the once-starlet of soap opera Days of Our Lives or something of that ilk used her office’s constitutionally-provided powers today to order President Bush’s immediate withdrawal of all troops from Iraq. “I’ve stayed out of this one long enough. The president wanted time to prove he was right about this conflict. But it’s over now.”

Pundits are curious to see if Lucci’s approval rating remains at approximately 88% after this announcement or if it could rise even higher.

United States Prime Minister Lucci’s official portrait

Religion Based on Dentynisms Now One of World’s Largest

38-Year-Old Maintenance Man Steals Colorado Rockies Baseball Team

New Element Added to Yin and Yang

Scottsdale, AZ - In response to demands by American consumers for “more” in their lives, scientists at Bell Labs in Potsdam, MA, have invented a third principle to add to the traditional Yin and Yang: the Yem.

The Yem should be balanced in your life with the other two principles as follows:

Maria Rodriguez, Chipotle Server who Was Late Several Times this Month, Negotiating Resignation Terms with Board of Directors

Tony Sirico, “The Sopranos” Paulie Walnuts, Graces this Month’s Cover of Tiger Beat

Barnes & Noble Concerned with Increasing Number of Stage Dives at Author Readings

Tensions Increase between L.A. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s Shoppers

Los Angeles, CA - After yesterday evening’s incident in which a still-unidentified young professional female told a Trader Joe’s cashier that Whole Foods seems to have a better variety of organic yogurts, tensions have grown even more palpable in Los Angeles between shoppers dedicated to the two specialty grocery store chains.

Local businesses are reporting an increase in the rash of cubicle-dwellers flashing, or “throwing up,” the menacing Whole Foods hand signs to other employees. On the streets, the practice becomes more than just a gesture. Those displaying the “WF” hand sign in view of someone with Trader Joe’s allegiances could find themselves, if not dead, at least left alone and ignored by that person.

Asked if the community should fear an all-out war between the two embattled groups—known on the streets as the Trader Joe’s “Customers” and the Whole Foods “Customers”— Los Angeles Chief of Police, William J. Bratton said, “No.” And he’s probably right…but only probably.

A Los Angeles officer worker flashing the menacing and awkward Whole Foods hand sign

Son’s Antics During Giuliani’s Speeches Beginning to Weird People Out

New York, NY - Ex-New York City Mayor, current presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani spoke to a capacity crowd of healthcare workers this morning. But what once unfailingly delighted reporters and constituents alike during Giuliani’s earlier public life was met with confused and concerned looks today: specifically, the physical antics, funny faces, and gesticulations Giuliani’s son Andrew feels compelled to perform during his father’s speeches.

“First of all, his sheer size, now that he is a 20-something adult, obstructs Rudy sometimes completely from the cameras. Also, it’s just a little weird for people to accept a full-grown man dancing around and beating his chest like an ape while his father describes how he faced the horrors of 9/11,” says political consultant Val Miller.

Andrew also seems to have added a flourish of the facetious to his goofing around. “This new layer to his antics would kind of make sense considering he apparently hates his father,” observed political news blogger Mary Till. “You’ll notice sometimes during Rudy’s speeches, he’ll just walk up and stand stock still, staring into the side of his father’s face while he speaks–as if he’s going to murder him.”

Scientist Discovers Use for Comparing Apples to Oranges

Los Alamos, NM - While testing new advancements in “reverse cloning,” scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory accidentally discovered a use for comparing apples to oranges.

“I was going out for a fruit run during a late night at the lab,” said Dr. Breshtour, lead researcher for some department at the National Laboratory. “And I axed Dr. Philips if he wanted apples or oranges. And he said, ‘What’s the difference?’ I said, ‘There’s no way to articulate that.’ And he said, ‘Then, how do you know which is an apple and which is an orange?’ And I says I says, ‘Well, one is orange, has a peelable rind, breaks up into sections; the other gots red skin and all and crunchy white insides and has maybe a slight, even statistically insignificant, better change of ever evolving speech than the other.’ And he said, ‘See? You just compared those mothers.’ And my jaw dropped. We had just accomplished something no one had in history. This breakthrough will be huge for grocery stores, fruit salad manufacturers, and anyone who has to distinguish these two fruits.”

Breshtour and Philips’ findings will be published in the Journal of the American Medical Association’s 2007 annual Summer Covalent Bond Double Ish.

Mafia Name Generator Web Site to IPO

New York, NY - The nation appears ready to come out of what cannot be best described as the used, slight spaghetti sauce-scented Tupperware of the Dot-com collapse. Once again, after more than five years, several companies are poised to place themselves on the trading boards of the NYSE (New York Stock Exchange) and the NASDAQ (whatever that might stand for) through an initial public offering (IPO).

Among them this month is the Mafia Name Generator Web site (http://pages.prodigy.net/mlemus/mobnamegenerator.htm). Using proprietary technology developed through the efforts of industry-leading idea people and engineers, this Web site is able to provide a Mafia nickname per a first and last name input into the site’s Web page.

“Sure enough, it works,” reported Dr. Sanford Wang, Dean of Computer Sciences at Fordham University. “I typed in ‘Tony’ and ‘Delmanico’ as the names and it returns with the nickname ‘The Mortician.’ And that’s precisely the correct mob nickname for someone of this formal name. I’m still not sure how this technology works. It’s astounding.”

“The Web site serves an obvious need and also has so much growth potential. It’s barely touched the tip of the iceberg,” said Janet “The Abalone” Greeley, technology analyst for that financial firm where the old guy said, “We make money the old fashioned way–We earn it.” “For example,” Greeley continued, “this technology can even be used to give Mafia nicknames to inanimate objects.” Realizing that may seem unbelievable, Greeley demonstrated. Typing “waffle” into the first name field and “iron” in the last name field, Greeley clicked the simple “Gimme my fuckin’ nickname” button on the site. Sure enough, the Web site returned with “Frankenberry.”

“If they figure out how to generate a nickname for even one-worded items, this company will change the funny name generator industry. Needless to say, they’ll at least enjoy some incredible share prices and great long-term success.” And the nickname for “long-term success”? “The Delicious.”

After Long Investigation, Larry Birkhead Found to Be Father of Invention

Spring ‘06 Fling with Necessity in Orlando Results in Birkhead’s Second Celebrity Child

“I was so drunk that I even thought the concept of necessity was looking pretty good. So I took it to my room. Now we got little Inventy.”

Bono Enraged with Poor Country’s Streets with No Name

Bono, during a diplomatic visit to impoverished Niger, rants, “This crap country. My limo driver can’t tell where he’s going. Get some names for your streets, buttholes! Does that cost that much? ‘Main,’ ‘Oak,’ uh… you know ‘Harvard,’ ‘Elm,’ and shit. There. I just gave you some right there for free.”