Michael Vick Scandal Massively Impacts Nation’s Economy

Value of 401k’s Across the Country Plummet as Holdings in Bad Newz Kennels Stock Bottom Out

Three Members of Team BALCO Disqualified from Tour

Claux en Enfant, France-Riders for manufacturer of doping drugs suspected of doping, including Darron Pryce, popular octogenarian, unlegged team leader who was in 8th place.

Comedian Carlos Mencia Suspected of Doping

Los Angeles, CA-Mencia’s joke about mug handles so objectively funny that several audience members at Los Angeles club So Fuckin’ Funny’s went mad. “He can’t be that funny; impossible. He’s definitely on something,” says comedian Joe Rogan.

Amidst All the Building Potter Fervor, Author Rowling Privately Freaking Out Because Book Just Isn’t Very Good

Slumping San Fran Batter Bonds Admits Being “Embarrassed to Wear the Uniform”

Given Permission to Remove the Bells from His Bustle

Critics Blast World’s Tallest Man/World’s Shortest Man Handshake Event

“The Same Result Could Have Been Accomplished with Two Much More Easily Attainable Average Height People,” Says One

Parents Worry that Crack Their Child Smokes Could Be Gateway Drug to Meth

President William McKinley Assassinated by Anarchist

“Love Is…” Cartoonist to Retire; Has Drawn All Possibilities of What Love Is

Britain’s Knights “Far from Battle-Ready”

London, England - Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, will resign from his post on 27 June, 2007 AD. But what shall be his legacy? His economic and educational policies have done splendidly. But, even though his country’s involvement in the Iraqi war has been smooth-sailing thus far, the nation (peopled mostly by musicians, dry-witted comedians, people with monocles and tea, and amateur gardeners) grows concerned with the state of its rank of knights to which author Salman Rushdie has just been added this previous week.

“We won’t be able to enter into battle very successfully with the knights being in the state they’re in, n’it?” worried Brighton Allairs, a member of the House of Lords. “They’re far from battle ready, n’it?”

As a matter of fact, the modern-day rank of knights now seems more talented in the writing of letters and the composing of whimsical music than they are at swinging a mace or impaling with a lance or even cowering behind a shield. “Britain’s knights are indeed considered in the worst state of battle-readiness since knights began to fight England’s wars in the year 400,” said Easton Towers Professor of Olde Tyme Fighting at Oxford University. “Blair and the previous administrations’ Defense Department predictions that combat will be more rock-and-roll- or fiction writing-based in the modern era has proven very wrong.”

British Knights Salman Rushdie and Andrew Lloyd Webber would most likely be killed immediately upon entrance to a battle

Apple Hired Nostradamus to Market the New iPhone

Cupertino, CA - “Forthwith, in thou yeareth of two thousand plus seven additional annum, theyre shallt be a form of unlive messenger pigeone borne from a glowing apple that playes honeyed notes of music to the ear, allowes One to speak to another who may even bee severale hamlets in the distance, liquifys rainbows, and shall inherit all powers of quad-band GSM technologie.” Nostradamus scholars have long been familiar with this prediction of the French Medieval seer, but their efforts to interpret it had been frustrated, until now.

“It clearly foretells of our new iPhone,” says Steve Jobs, an employee of Apple Inc., the computer company that developed the soon-to-be released cutting-edge mobile telephone and multimedia player. “Although it does so cryptically, it obviously alludes to many of the features of Apple’s new product that’s coming out this month. Makes sense that Nostradamus would have written about this because it is a huge event in the world’s history.”

Maybe so, but Nostradamus scholars smell the influence of corporate America money in this one passage among all of the 14th century apothecary’s other eerily accurate predictions. Many of them think Apple was so drawn by the marketing potential of the modern world’s fascination with the mysterious Nostradamus that they essentially hired him as the first known dead-for-centuries product spokesperson.

“Steve Jobs is a smart guy. He set up a marketing deal with Nostradamus, who, through his powers of seeing the future, could easily have received messages, viewed marketing PowerPoints, and maybe even been communicated promises of compensation from modern day Apple lawyers and executives,” theorized Brenda Juggs, Nostradamus scholar at DeVry University.

But how did they convey compensation back in time to Nostradamus for his Apple-sponsored prediction? “Jobs spoke to Justin Timberlake about offering his song ‘Sexy Back’ for the prophecier’s use,” said Juggs. “Nostradamus was able to foretell the song and that Jobs and Timberlake gave him 14th century rights to it. He then played it on his lute as if it were his own song at festivals, feasts, and beheadings to tremendous adulation. It made him lots of money. He also made additional cash from people who wanted rights to use the then-new word ‘muthafucka.’”

But Jobs just shrugs at the fuss: “We have the right to market our products any way we wish and did so in an innovative way,” he said. “Also, watch for our soon-to-be-released convenient rainbow liquification plug-in for the iPhone.”

The freaking Apple iPhone to be released later this month

Paris Says Jail Term Was a Message from God to Set Her Straight, Videos Having Sex with God

Los Angeles, CA - Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters in a phone call that she believes her jail sentence is a message from God. “I have become more spiritual [since entering jail]. God has given me this chance,” the heiress told Walters, a very old interviewer.

Asked how she “spoke” to God, Paris said that they’ve actually known each other for awhile, having been introduced several years back at a party in St. Croix. “He doesn’t have a Helio or anything, so he thought the next best way of sending me a message was to have me put in jail.”

God, a supreme being that made everything, followed up his message with a visit to her cell where, after they talked some more, he set up a video camera, declared, “Let there be humping,” and “humped” her. The resulting footage is making the rounds after being leaked somehow to the World Wide Web. “I don’t know how it got out there, but it’s already on too many sites and I can’t possibly stop it at this point,” God shrugged.

Paris Hilton and God from the leaked sex video of His visit with her in jail

Dr. Pepper Criticized for New “Precarious” Ad Campaign

WNBA Logo Finally Updated

New York, NY - The WNBA unveiled their new logo this afternoon at some press conference. “The old logo was, frankly, kind of antiquated in terms of how we view women and their role in society,” said logo designer Don Preston. “This new fresh look shows the silhouette of a real modern woman: a dress, a bow in her hair, arms aren’t as muscular as they were on the other logo, bigger breasts, tinier feet. Just more realistic overall.”

“Exactly, we need to stop constantly pressuring our girls and woman to live up to these ideals of pursuing the things they want to in life. And this new logo captures that. For example, we also took the basketball out of the logo. What kind of message was that basketball sending to girls? That “Yes, maybe you can play basketball too”? That’s awful. Especially, when those girls have to start learning to bake and clean for future husbands,” said WNBA president Donna Orender, whose boss is WNBA vice-president of marketing Brad Deerdorf.

The old WNBA logo, which many modern ladies found offensive

Bush Comment Untranslatable

Heiligendamm, Germany - At the G8 Summit today in the Blue Iris Conference Room at the Holiday Inn in downtown Heiligendamm, Bush seemed to express a reconciliation of sorts with President Vladimir Putin of Russia over the United States’ plan to install missile-defense systems in Poland the Czech Republic.

However, at one point during his address to the media, Bush said, “Putin….see, that’s the thing. We can’t…We can actually put missile missiles in where Pollacks are. And….if…I’m not, you know, Michael Jordan or something. I can just shoot the ball, bang, everything’s hunky okay. We agreed. Vladmere and Bush, me, agreed together to do this not separate. I don’t know what’s you’re not saw about this. I mean, you got the tie on and the uh…But. That’s what it is. Fine and simple.”

Putin’s translator, Ivan Raskalnikov, was rendered silent. Putin and Bush looked to him in anticipation of the Russian translation of what the U.S. President had just said, but they were answered only with a shrug from Raskalnikov.

“There is no way in Russian to express what George Bush said. It was untranslatable. Kind of a neat phenomenon to experience,” Raskalnikov explained later.

Plot for Final “Sopranos” Episode Leaked

Los Angeles, CA - The storyline for the final episode of the mob drama “The Sopranos” (The “r” spelled with a gun) has been leaked and can be read on thousands of blogs and Web sites throughout the Internet. It follows typical David Chase style as you can see below:

Spoiler Ahead:

The main plot of the storyline involves Soprano family captain Bobby Baccalieri’s daughter, Sophia, and her travails at summer camp. Her homesickness is accentuated by the too-recent murder of her father. She turns inward and is even made fun of by other campers. “B” story is Tony Soprano and right-hand man Paulie Walnuts recounting their childhoods as they continue to hide from Phil Leotardo.