Fire Victim Tried to Communicate for Help Through Novelty “Dylan Message”
Susan Anton of Carson, CA, was burned to death Tuesday night after a fire engulfed her home. Anton tried to call for help but did so through the novelty “Dylan Messaging” Web site, which proved less effective than other means of communication probably would have been.
“If she had simply used the phone and called 9-1-1, someone may have gotten her out of there on time,” says Carson Fire Chief Ed Pratt. “Or maybe if even music legend Bob Dylan didn’t fidget so much before turning past the first page or whatever you call those things he’s holding in the video.”
Cincinnati, OH - Jackson Strapp, head commissioner of people with office jobs (PWOJ), announced a new logo for the always-expanding league this morning during a press conference. “I think this new logo captures the excitement of office work. Hopefully, this will help attract new fans to come watch what these 80-some million professional office workers do every day,” said Strapp.
The new official logo for people with office jobs (PWOJ)
New York, NY - The verbal sparring “beef” between rapper 50 Cent (whose real name is Shootin’ Copz and They Familyz) and band Animal Collective escalated to “put your money where your mouth is” status as their CDs “Curtis” and “Strawberry Jam” were both released today.
“They think just because they have a photograph (or really good painting) of smooshed up strawberries on their CD cover that that’ll make up for their weak-ass lyrics,” challenged 50 Cent this morning during his on-air interview at New York radio station Hot 97.
“I don’t think we expect to sell nearly as many as 50 Cent. We’re just putting the best music out there we can, but, we know it isn’t for everyone. I’m not sure why he’s doing this ‘beef’ thing with us,” retorted Animal Collective singer Avey Tare in his interview with music Web site Pitchfork.
Told of Tare’s barbed comeback, 50 Cent, who waited around at Hot 97 to hear the reply, declared, “It’s on. Shit’s on. Let the games begin.”
Bin Laden Makes Risky Decision to Release Next Video on 9/11
“It’s not usually a good idea to release stuff on 9/11 because of the strong negative associations consumers have with that date,” cautions media expert.
Senator Craig Now Claims His Foot Tapping Was Misinterpreted
“I was attempting to signal, ‘Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but I don’t want to have sex with you. Maybe we shouldn’t even be foot-conversing. What’s the point, right?’”
Scientists Discover that Human Women Do Bite Off the Heads of Males After Sex
Denver, CO - Scientists studying the mating behavior of humans at the Denver Reproductivity and Humping Studies Centre have discovered something that could shake some of our longest-standing assumptions: female humans bite off the heads of their male sex partners after the moment of climax (or “cumming,” as scientists term it).
“People had been assuming that this was just a weird practice of the praying mantis,” explained Charles Patton, lead scientist at the center. “But now we see that humans do it too. This explains why you never see men over 20, 21 years of age.”
Busted Tees Introduces Line of Cheaper, Not-As-Funny Shirts
New York, NY - Busted Tees, online seller of popular t-shirts seen on the torsos of young, hip teens and 20-somethings, who feel that ironic 70s-esque cheesy slogans such as “Kenya Dig It?” printed in an outline of the African country and “I’d Hit That” captioning a picture of a piñata tell as much about them as anything else, is expanding its product offering, announced company founder Ryan Pratt at a press conference in The Hague, Switzerland.
“Our standard line of shirts are about $16 each. We wanted to offer something cheaper,” Pratt explained. He then unveiled a couple prototypes of the new shirts. “These will be sold at approximately $4 a piece. Now, they’re not as funny as our prime line, but that’s because we had to cut costs quite a bit. Also, some of the shirts may show the Corbis watermarks because we didn’t purchase a lot of the graphics for these shirts, we just copied them from the Corbis Web site sample page. I think the consumers will understand.”
Sömewhere, Sweden - Swedish filmmaker and actress Ingrid Bergman passed away in her sleep on July the 30th. Considered to be maybe the most influential movie director of all time, it’s nonetheless difficult to pin down through which works she gained this reputation. Acting in films such as “Notorious,” “Casablanca,” and “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” it’s not clear which films she actually directed. Asked to explain the screen beauty’s reputation for helming films while not being actually ever credited for having done so, American writer and actor Woody Allen said, “Ingrid is the actress. You’re talking about Ingmar.”
Ms. Bergman will be cremated September 1, 1982, in her hometown of Uppsala, Sweden.
