Bush Scolds Congress for Rejecting His “Save Our Forests” Bill
Warshington, DC - Today, President George Bush scolded the largely-Democrat contingent of the Senate for voting against his “Save Our Forests” bill last night. “All these Democrats are claiming that the Republicans don’t care. That we’re not concerned with things. But it’s the Democrats who voted against the ‘Save Our Forests’ bill. Who’s cold-hearted now?”
The “Save Our Forests” bill proposed the mandatory beating down of illegal immigrants.
President Bush at the new (since 1800) capital city of Washington, DC
Also:
Four Fans Trampled to Death in Crowds at the Cambridge King’s College Chapel Choir’s Christmas Concert
The King’s College Chapel Choir Performing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Voters Horrified by Romney’s “Freaky” Mormon Belief that Jesus Rose from the Dead
College Station, TX- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried to assuage voters’ concerns about his being Mormon this Thursday with a speech about his faith. But it may have backfired.
“I assumed Mormonism was pretty weird already. Now I hear from Mitt that his people believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead! Yeah, right. Jesus is a zombie. Whatever you say, wacky fella,” said Lisa Stansfield as she put on her coat after hearing the speech. “We don’t need a guy believing in that kind of sci-fi stuff in our White House. We need a guy who goes by the plain old Bible.”
“Apparently, the Mormons also have this belief that, in ancient times, God killed this one guy’s livestock, wife, and children just to test him. God doesn’t do that kind of stuff in the normal Christian religions, and there aren’t people with names like Job in those religions either,” said another attendee, Deborah Gibbons, a minister at a nearby Baptist church.
“I did appreciate that Mormons didn’t allow black people into their churches, at least until 1978. That was good to find out. But, yeah, their other beliefs are very strange,” chimed in Stan McClintock, who also watched the speech. “Mary being a virgin, another Mormon belief according to Romney, seems a bit odd seeing as how she HAD A FREAKING KID!” he continued sarcastically, eliciting laughter from other exiting attendees.
Banned from Praying in Schools, Children Take to Praying on the Streets, in Back Alleys
Charleston, SC - It seemed like a good idea at the time–and necessary considering the separation between Church and State clause of the Constitution. But what are its effects on the community? First, let’s at least mention what this news story is even about. It’s about the ban on prayer in our country’s public schools—and how, not only has the ban not ended the practice, it’s pushed many of our country’s youth into the streets and unsanitary back alleyways where prayer continues to thrive outside the purview of school policy.
“We did our job. We told the teachers and coaches they can’t lead any kind of worship during school hours, on school property, or at school-sponsored activities,” shrugged Paul Childers, principal of South Shore Brill Spring High School, a small school in the fairly lame Charleston suburbs. “But look at what the results are,” he said, pointing out his office window.
The scene on the high school lawn was stark to say the least: craven-eyed teenagers, who looked years beyond their age if not for the low-slung pants, torn black t-shirts and nose rings, all on their knees, muttering to God and others of His ilk in the mud of the rain-soaked lawn. “I don’t think our prayer ban has had much of an effect,” Childers smiled sarcastically. “Except to give these kids another thing to rebel with.” As he said that, one particularly gaunt sneering student gave his principal the finger in mid-crossing-himself.
“If kids want to do something, they’ll find a way to do it,” said Lily Best, advisor at Al’s Youth Issues Think Tank. “So when you ban such an activity, it can actually backfire because the activity will not only still be practiced but be practiced without any supervision or safety measure in place.”
And, as if on cue from Best’s statement, the U.S. Department of Crime later that day released their annual report stating that prayer-related crimes have increased 47% this last year.
A teenaged punk prays in dank alley
Evel Knievel Attempts 70-Year Life Span; Almost Succeeds
Sports Journalist Doesn’t Think of Obvious Pun for Headline
Scottsdale, AZ - Derek Johns, sportswriter for the Scottsdale Lender newspaper, is beating himself up over a missed opportunity. For the Saturday edition of the paper, he reported on the lopsided 47-7 victory of the Scottsdale High Matadors over the Flagstaff South High Bulls only to come up with the headline “Matadors Win the Game Against Bulls.”
When called for comment, Johns didn’t at first understand why his most recent article was of interest: “So, what’s the problem? ‘Matadors Win the Game Against Bulls.’ That’s an amazing headline. It succinctly but cleverly says so much about the game. I thought about it for a long time.” But when it was suggested he could have, instead, topped off the story with something like “Matadors Lance Bulls,” Johns wept and hung up the phone.
Ford Recalls Four Models that Could Cause Immediate Death
Detroit, MI - Ford Motor Company announced today that it is recalling four of its 2007 models including the Taurus, the Escape, and the popular Focus.
“These four models, we are saddened to say, will explode if the driver does not put the key into the ignition exactly the right way. Please, if you own one of these four models, which include the Taurus, the Escape, and the Focus, contact your nearest Ford dealership to come pick up the car. You should not drive it even once more,” said Ford CEO whatshisname.
Porn Star Scarlett FuckMyHoles Scandalized by Leak of Sex Tape
San Fernando, CA - Scarlett FuckMyHoles (real name Tina Slut), beloved star of such films as “Anal Slammmxxx 8,” “White Trash Rape at the Slaughterhouse 3,” “Put It in One of My Pores! (The Prequel),” and “Convincin’ You Women Actually Want to Do These Thingz 4,” was shocked to discover that a video she and her boyfriend made of them having sex has been leaked to the Internet. And, in typical Internet fashion, it’s now been viewed by millions through thousands of Web sites, blogs, personal computer systems, and RAMs.
“(The video) was just supposed to be for the two of us to watch and enjoy in the privacy of our bedroom. I’m so shaken by this. My boyfriend and I had a rough breakup and I think he must have let the video out as revenge.”
The video depicts various sexual acts rather graphically. “My boyfriend caresses my breast at one point and you can see it almost clear as day! I’m so embarrassed!” said FuckMyHoles, who also starred in the erotic period piece “Can We Lube Up that Pianoforte and Somehow Put It Up into Scarlett?”
“I’m ruined! My career, life, everything! Ruined!” sobbed FuckMyHoles.
Hartford, CT - The story of Rebecca Tilde and her golden retriever mix, Barbarino, is a refreshing one compared to what we usually hear in the news today–refreshing in a very tragic way.
At approximately 2:30 this morning, as Tilde performed her nightly ritual of sleeping, a fire broke out in her home near 4th and Jefferson. The cause of the fire is yet unknown, but the effect is yet well-known: as the flames spread from the garage area into the living room and toward’s Tilde’s bedroom, Barbarino woke from his slumber and immediately recognized the danger. Picking up his purple squeaky elephant in his mouth, the dog jumped into action and found his way outside and across the street where he proceeded to lift his leg and chew on the very obviously counterfeit pachyderm.
Fire fighters arrived at the scene as Tilde’s shrieks of pain at being burned alive could be heard out on the street. Barbarino growled and barked in response. “No, I don’t think the dog knew that was his master screaming. I think he was just barking because it sounded like some wild creature,” opined firefighter Robert Innskeep.
As the firemen fought off the blaze, Barbarino tugged on the hoses and several members of the squad had to alternate at distracting him with games of fetch, a popular sport of canines.
Simic: The Most Power-Abusing Poet Laureate in History?
Sour old fangs plucked and
Raining ugly from a swollen maw
Which receives a new savory mouthful from above by the tears of its beast
It looks back with downpulled eyes at the blanched columns
As it strides away to that forest. All green black thick unknown. Just forest.
Warshington, DC - After reading this cocky rebuke from Poet Laureate Charles Simic, Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) throws the letter down in anger. Leahy, as well as many senators and representatives from both sides of the aisle, believe the surrealist poet may have been overstepping his Constitutional powers lately. In one incident, earlier this year, Simic convened a secret group of CIA operatives to monitor every item purchased in the United States with a credit card held by anyone with an Arabic- or East Asian-”sounding” last name, even if they’re an American citizen. The group was also to apprehend, question, and if it was felt necessary or almost necessary, torture those card holders. The crumpled letter is Simic’s reply to Leahy’s attempts to bring the 69-year-old Pulitzer Prize winner in for a committee investigation.
“In this riposte, Charles is obviously saying, although in a more roundabout way than probably necessary, that he is not a part of the executive branch. Which is supposed to mean that the Constitutional limitations on that branch do not apply to him,” Leahy explains. The chairman’s attempts to rein Simic in are increasingly frustrated by the fact that the poet could probably also claim he is not beholden to the rules for the legislative or the judicial branches as well. “We’ve got to stop this abuse of power, though. And we’ll find a way,” Leahy promises.
“Charlie’s a good man. Tries hard. I stand by him. Furry… He does what poets do excellently,” said President Bush when asked to comment on the many calls for the laureate’s resignation. Also, several worry that the president may not understand the resignation letter even if he got it. “If it’s in any kind of verse, the president may find himself in a fix trying to interpret it,” warns House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
But if he has anything to say about it, Simic isn’t going to be resigning soon. “I’m completely working within the bounds of my office although, admittedly, in a more innovative capacity than my predecessors. Some of them wrote in pure rhyming verse. Some with free-verse. I’m moving into a non-verse, human rights violation-type of scheme. And I think it’s quite powerful,” said Simic.
“No one’s used the office of the poet laureate nearly to this extent ever before in the United States,” says Ted Kooser, laureate from 2004-2006 and author of the massively popular collection “Delights & Shadows.” “The most power any laureate before Simic assumed was when [Rita] Dove, the only limerickcist to hold the post, declared the ‘Man from Nantucket’ should be rewritten with the Man’s dick not so long as that he could actually suck it. This way, parents could feel better about sharing this classic with their children. But what Simic is doing is equivalent to, not only putting the length back into the Man’s dick, but doing so to the point that the dick is so massive, its shadow darkens not just our land, but the whole world and its future and its past,” said Kooser fully aware and proud of his metaphor.
Woman Says Couple’s Safety Word Before Boyfriend Can Kiss Her on Cheek
“I just came home from work. She was watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ I went to give her a peck on the cheek, and she says, ‘telescope.’ Never takes her eyes off the TV,” says boyfriend.
MAD Magazine Headquarters Explode During Staff’s Attempts to Write Parody of MAD
New York, NY - Early this morning, the employees of the Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco headquarters in the Chrysler Building in Manhattan wondered what that burning smell was and why smoke was pouring through this, the offices of one of the Fortune 50 Manufacturers of Smokeless Tobacco.
They soon found out. But almost not just in time.
“I took the elevator up a floor, to the Mad offices, and saw nothing but flames, smoke, and people dressed like characters from ‘The Squid and The Whale,’ said Verna Gonzalez, administrative assistant at Mail Pouch. Those flames and the choking smoke were, according to investigators, the wake of a tremendous explosion in one of the parody magazine’s conference rooms.
“The editor, several writers, and an illustrator were attempting to do what original publisher William Gaines always said should not be tried: parodying the magazine itself,” said Raymond Kelly, New York City Police Commissioner.
Witnesses claim the small group assembled in the conference room to begin to hash out the impossible issue. “They’d done a parody of ‘Bleccch’s Anatomy’ called ‘Bleecchbleeecch’s And That Crock Is Not On Me (TV)’ and you could tell that that alone almost destroyed them. They were sweating, looking really pale, couldn’t stand upright. Then, when they began to plan out the Fold-In fold-out, they started to vibrate and what could best be described as a vortex of dimensions turning in on themselves formed in the middle of the room and collapsed into a singularity and a blast like I’d never seen practically blinded me. A second later, I heard it, loud as hell,” said Branford Brack, Mad’s head of solutions management. “Everyone was telling them before that to stop. But they kept on going saying, ‘We can do this and the world will be ours!’”
The names of the 34 killed in the explosion have not yet been released, but the event was declared by the NYPD to not be officially considered a tragedy as the dead did not include Sergio Aragones.
Elgin, IL - The French Belle erotic dance club opening next Tuesday morning in this small Illinois town is going to offer something just a little different than what the typical strip club patron may expect. “It’s feminist-friendly!” owner Chuck Rab says. And he reminds local wives, mothers, and female college students of this whenever they express their wariness of yet another local den of pole-dances and females degrading themselves for sweaty dollars.
The first thing one notices upon driving up to the nondescript windowless building is the marquee. “Hot Ass Bent-Over Womyn” it reads, incorporating the “men”-less spelling of “women” favored by some harder-lined feminists. Rab does not seem swayed by the prospect that potential customers may find a pro-feminist strip club to be a turn-off. “I don’t care. I’m going to do what’s right for womyn,” declared Rab. “And I’m spelling that with the ‘myn’ when I say that.”
The Web site announcing the grand opening of the club includes other female-sensitive blurbs. “Cum see girls with jobs (as hot strippers) flop they tits about!” reads one. “Jade is your housewife and begs you to let her go to the feminist tea party. She’ll do anything for you if you let her!” declares a poster advertising one of the club’s stable of dancers dressed only in heels and an apron (which she holds in her hand). Another performer goes by the nom de stripper Gloria Stein-Anus-Em, which is a pun on the name of the women’s rights champion.
“Also, our club is not named ‘Women Are Just Objects to Rub Your Parts On,’” Rab said proudly.
Acrylic-heeled shoes help women reach closer to the glass ceiling even if not quite to the point that they can break through it.
