Morristown, NJ - This small tranquil town of 6 or 10 thousand people has learned to accept a few of the more unpleasant trappings of modernity that make their way over from the nearby larger cities. Upticks in gang crime, speakeasies, and teenage pregnancies have all struck the residents of Morristown during the last several years, and they’ve worked together to deal with them.
But an incident of once-rare signage defacement is the last straw for one local restaurateur Gerry Katzmann. Earlier this year, in light of another unfortunate trend of late, Katzmann finally had to post a sign in the parking lot behind his BBQ restaurant, The Second Saddle, that reads, “Pee Limit 5.”
“People were going to the parking lot and peeing 6, 7, or even 8. I didn’t want to put an ugly sign out there, but I finally had to.”
But within weeks, the new sign had been vandalized to read, “Speed Limit 5,” with the “S” and the “d” sloppily rendered in black marker.
“I realized something was wrong when customers were coming (into the restaurant). And they would be chuckling to each other about speed limits and (rubbing each other and) sarcastically saying, “Hey, slow down” to each other and stuff. I went outside and saw what some jerk kid did to my expensive sign,” said Katzmann. “Ha ha. Very funny.”
This is the second known incident in recent months. In early March, the Shove It Up an A-Hole trophy shop found all of its outdoor signage stolen one morning.
Elgin, IL - Brian O’Keefe and Jason Otterman, co-founders of the Marigold & White funeral home in Elgin, IL, decided they wanted to make a change.
As many of us know, Jake Tchaikovsky, dressed in the large foam Rusty the Shivering Marigold & White Lion costume, has stood out front of the Ann Street location every weekend day since 1985, shivering and helping bring attention to the popular funeral home’s various sales promotions and special Fourth of July events. But, starting this Saturday, while most passers-by will technically be able to wave back at things, they won’t be able to wave back at Rusty. Because he won’t be there to be waved-back to.
“We just thought the image of a lion was a little out-dated,” said Otterman in a sort of telephone interview. “There are fewer of them in the wild every year, and someday they’ll be gone. So, while we’ll always remember Rusty in our hearts, we’ve decided on a new mascot that better represents the spirit of Marigold & White.”
Tchaikovsky will now sport an anthropomorphic hamburger costume as the new face of Marigold & White, Harry the Hamburger.
“Harry The Hamburger. That’s our guy. And, while he’s nowhere near the best representation of the spirit of Marigold & White, he is, we think, a better representation than a lion,” said Otterman.
A mock funeral for Rusty the Shivering Lion will be held at the Marigold & White Funeral Home, Thursday evening at 5:30 PM.
Harry the Hamburger, the new mascot for Marigold & White Funeral Home
Suicide Bombing Beats Out Dentistry as Occupation with Most Suicides per Capita
Lipton, NJ - The effects of this new golden age of terrorism are being felt everywhere. In a new survey published by Career Sciences this year, the rates of suicide per capita for 2007 are given for over 83 different common occupations. Over the previous 30 years that the survey has been published, the results have not varied greatly. But, this year, the perennial top-of-the-list, dentist, found itself second — and a far second at that — to suicide bomber.
“There are about 9 suicides for every 10 suicide bombers. It’s incredible. Comparatively, for the usual number one, dentistry, there’s about 1 suicide per 23,000 dentists,” said Dr. Meredith Hamm of the Career Sciences Center. “I just think the typical suicide bomber faces so much stress in performing the particularly harsh tasks they undertake and that must be what’s leading to this distressingly high figure. There definitely needs to be some system of counseling support or something in that relatively new career.”
Rounding off the top five most suicides-per-capita list were dentists, milkmen, suicide hotline operators, and some not very important job.
Some kind of suicide bomber type thing
Detectives Frustrated by Walls that Can’t Talk
Chicago, IL - Detective Lawrence Broch thought he had what it took to break his case. Two months ago, the elderly Stella Weidenbacher was stabbed to death in her apartment and her jewelry was stolen. Despite his many detective tools including magnifying glass, Broch had no clues or suspects or the definite killer.
But, Tuesday night, while laying awake in bed, Broch had an idea.
“I always do my best thinking while lying awake in bed. I was racking my brains, thinking that someone or some…thing must have seen this evil deed. And, then, I realized: the walls of the room she was murdered in. I’ll just go talk to them!”
However, the next morning, things didn’t quite turn out as hoped: “When I got to the apartment, I asked the walls all these questions and, of course, all they could do is sort of hum and moan their answers because they don’t have mouths. If only those walls could talk or even simply write down what they saw.”
Something About Drinking Wine Makes You Healthy or Some Such
Baltimore (around there), MD - Some health organization out here reported like this morning that…something about how wine or whatever can, if you drink one or two glasses or something, can help, like, your heart or livers or something. Something like that.
One of the scientists who ran or whatever the study is Dr. something (but not the same something as the number of glasses of wine something) who won the coveted Nobel or Institute of Something or the Attendance Award or something along those lines. Speaking to the press or in a report or while doing push ups or that sort of thing, he said, “[Something about they did experiments and then said the number of glasses] of wine [went on about how you get healthier or stay just as healthy or that sort of thing]!” Thinking for a second and smiling, he added, “[amazing joke]!”
Something
Lazy Kid Perks Up When Janjaweed Attacks His Home
Crystal Lake, IL - Carmela and Hugh Block of Crystal Lake, IL, have tried just about everything to get their chubby 14-year-old son Andy to put down his perpetual bowl of Lucky Charms, turn off his Guitar Hero video game, and get off the couch. But it’s been a losing battle.
“He’s just a very lazy kid,” Carmela shrugged.
“He’s just a very lazy kid,” Hugh added, providing exactly no extra insight beyond what Carmela had just said.
But Andy’s mother saw something different in her son when 20 to 30 Janjaweed (”Devil on horseback”) galloped into this small Chicago suburb and attacked the Block home yesterday afternoon.
“When the men threw torches through the window and ripped his father’s head off and drowned his baby brother Pete in the blood-filled neck hole of his father, Andy actually kind of sprung into action,” Carmela said proudly.
Specifically, Andy ran for his life with an almost hilarious waddle to the nearby woods. Several of the mounted murderer/rapists chased in pursuit but it is not yet known if they captured him and raped him while making him eat his own hands.
“They probably killed him, which saddens me to the greatest depths of my soul. Anyway, I should get going. A Janjaweed is currently swinging an axe towards my torso,” said the boy’s mother.
Simi Valley, CA - During last night’s debate of Republican candidates for president, moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! posed the question “Do you think Ronald Reagan would have supported you as the Republican nominee?” The first candidate to answer was former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who confidently stated, “In the late stages of his Alzheimer’s, I do believe that, if we all (the candidates) stood before him, I’d make a funny face so he would more likely, out of pure reflex, kind of notice me and possibly point at me thus kind of giving his endorsement.”
Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan: separated at birth? No.
Proprietor of Waterboarding Park Worried
Columbus, OH - Bryan Beeker, owner of Neptune’s Waterboard Park in Columbus, OH, is worried. Very worried. “You know, kids and families have been coming here for years in the summer to get waterboarded. And, now, with all these hearings and stuff, the summer activity we’ve been known for could get a bad rap and I could shut down.”
While U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey has not yet stated that waterboarding — the act of simulating drowning for the subject — is legally considered torture, that’s not much consolation for Beeker. “The damage may have already been done,” he shrugged. “The press and all the people who’ve undergone waterboarding have already made people think it’s definitely torture. And why would people go to a park that they think tortures them? If you ask me, sure waterboarding is physically and mentally very painful, but it’s not quite torture, for crying out loud.”
Detail of lunch box kids can purchase at Neptune’s Waterboard Park
Bush Reveals at End of State of Union Address that U.S. Has Been ‘Punk’d'”
Warshington, DC - Last night, during the last of his State of the Union addresses, President George Bush discussed,
among other issues, the economy, the war in Iraq and the fact that the United States had been “Punk’d” by his administration and Ashton Kutcher, host of the popular MTV prank show.
When it realized it had been the unsuspecting victim of the grand finale prank of the hit series and that the slowly rotting economy, erosion of all domestic programs, and horribly ill-advised wars were all part of an alarmingly well-choreographed seven-year-long stunt, America slapped its forehead, but then smiled, laughed, pointed at Kutcher, yelled, “You! You butt cheese!” and chased the Demi Moore boyfriend for a few good-natured minutes.
One element that might have helped the ruse last as long as it did was that MTV claimed that the May 29, 2007, show was its last. “By now, I think Americans might have caught on that Bush was doing some kind of Punk’d thing by this point if they didn’t think the show was over,” said a still-guffawing Dick Cheney. “This was way sweet!”
“It was awesome! Sitting in that truck watching the live feed of this one, seeing all those Americans freaking out over the budget surplus going under these last seven years and the Iraq war going real sour, dude!” gleed Kutcher. “This is the perfect coup de grâce for our last show!”
Population of Niger Village Starving Because of the Word “Lancinating”
Dakoro, Niger - This impoverished Niger town found itself on the precipice of either being able to feed its citizens to their fill or further crumbling under perpetual drought, starvation, and an utter lack of ATM machines.
Richard Pierson of St. Paul, MN, had a chance to change the seeming fate of this village. He was logged onto his computer and had browsed to FreeFood.com, a fundraising Web site which donates a certain amount of rice, bread, and protein to the hungry for each time a user matches the correct definition to a difficult vocabulary word.
“But I got to ‘lancinating’ and I picked ‘evil’ as what it meant but that’s not what it meant. So no rice got sent for that. Sorry, Dakoro,” shrugged Pierson.
“Lancinate” probably means “to organize.”
“That’s just how it goes, I’m afraid” sighed Phyllis Olivier, founder of the popular Web site. “We have the food in our warehouses ready to ship, but people need to know those words on our site before we can just send this stuff out willy nilly.”
Because of Pierson’s wrong choice, the people of Dakaro will continue to live in hunger and die at the average age of 27. The main source of revenue for the shriveled village is loose change left by chance on the wings of an airplane and then dropped by chance just as the airplane flies over Dakoro.
“Maybe I need to make the words easier on the site, ” said Olivier. “Whatever we can do to help these people.”
This Nigerien boy will starve to death because a guy didn’t know a word
Bush Scolds Congress for Rejecting His “Save Our Forests” Bill
Warshington, DC - Today, President George Bush scolded the largely-Democrat contingent of the Senate for voting against his “Save Our Forests” bill last night. “All these Democrats are claiming that the Republicans don’t care. That we’re not concerned with things. But it’s the Democrats who voted against the ‘Save Our Forests’ bill. Who’s cold-hearted now?”
The “Save Our Forests” bill proposed the mandatory beating down of illegal immigrants.
President Bush at the new (since 1800) capital city of Washington, DC
Also:
Four Fans Trampled to Death in Crowds at the Cambridge King’s College Chapel Choir’s Christmas Concert
The King’s College Chapel Choir Performing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Voters Horrified by Romney’s “Freaky” Mormon Belief that Jesus Rose from the Dead
College Station, TX- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried to assuage voters’ concerns about his being Mormon this Thursday with a speech about his faith. But it may have backfired.
“I assumed Mormonism was pretty weird already. Now I hear from Mitt that his people believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead! Yeah, right. Jesus is a zombie. Whatever you say, wacky fella,” said Lisa Stansfield as she put on her coat after hearing the speech. “We don’t need a guy believing in that kind of sci-fi stuff in our White House. We need a guy who goes by the plain old Bible.”
“Apparently, the Mormons also have this belief that, in ancient times, God killed this one guy’s livestock, wife, and children just to test him. God doesn’t do that kind of stuff in the normal Christian religions, and there aren’t people with names like Job in those religions either,” said another attendee, Deborah Gibbons, a minister at a nearby Baptist church.
“I did appreciate that Mormons didn’t allow black people into their churches, at least until 1978. That was good to find out. But, yeah, their other beliefs are very strange,” chimed in Stan McClintock, who also watched the speech. “Mary being a virgin, another Mormon belief according to Romney, seems a bit odd seeing as how she HAD A FREAKING KID!” he continued sarcastically, eliciting laughter from other exiting attendees.
Banned from Praying in Schools, Children Take to Praying on the Streets, in Back Alleys
Charleston, SC - It seemed like a good idea at the time–and necessary considering the separation between Church and State clause of the Constitution. But what are its effects on the community? First, let’s at least mention what this news story is even about. It’s about the ban on prayer in our country’s public schools—and how, not only has the ban not ended the practice, it’s pushed many of our country’s youth into the streets and unsanitary back alleyways where prayer continues to thrive outside the purview of school policy.
“We did our job. We told the teachers and coaches they can’t lead any kind of worship during school hours, on school property, or at school-sponsored activities,” shrugged Paul Childers, principal of South Shore Brill Spring High School, a small school in the fairly lame Charleston suburbs. “But look at what the results are,” he said, pointing out his office window.
The scene on the high school lawn was stark to say the least: craven-eyed teenagers, who looked years beyond their age if not for the low-slung pants, torn black t-shirts and nose rings, all on their knees, muttering to God and others of His ilk in the mud of the rain-soaked lawn. “I don’t think our prayer ban has had much of an effect,” Childers smiled sarcastically. “Except to give these kids another thing to rebel with.” As he said that, one particularly gaunt sneering student gave his principal the finger in mid-crossing-himself.
“If kids want to do something, they’ll find a way to do it,” said Lily Best, advisor at Al’s Youth Issues Think Tank. “So when you ban such an activity, it can actually backfire because the activity will not only still be practiced but be practiced without any supervision or safety measure in place.”
And, as if on cue from Best’s statement, the U.S. Department of Crime later that day released their annual report stating that prayer-related crimes have increased 47% this last year.
A teenaged punk prays in dank alley
Evel Knievel Attempts 70-Year Life Span; Almost Succeeds
