“I command you to make up some of those Trans Am cars again what got the gold eagle on the hood!”
New York, NY – After months of dipping, falling, and plunging mixed with rare moments of rising and upticking, the Dow simply outright attacked in today’s trading.
New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg requested several emergency Marine and Air Force battalions to end the market’s rampage on the city’s downtown, but it, partly as a result of its being an abstraction, escaped the onslaught unscathed and now appears to be headed towards the Midwest states.
“People need to check their 401k’s and stocks, but I think most will find that their portfolios haven’t gone up or down, but just sort of escaped,” said Miriam Fellows, a senior portfolio adviser with Ryson & Bruce Investment Services.
Keil, Germany – Scientists at the Leibniz Institute for Marine Sciences in Keil, Germany, have determined that, because of some new data regarding Arctic sparns, the dangers of global warming may have been overstated. “Based on some new models we’ve run, we’ve found that the human race has upwards of 23 more minutes of existence on this planet than was previously predicted for the current rate of greenhouse-gas emissions.”
Already, based on the previous paragraph, the sales of Hummers, incandescent light blubs, McDonald’s-eating strumpets, and the popular “Backyardigans ‘Destroy Your World!’ Green House Gas Pump” childrens toy from Fisher-Price have increased significantly.
New York, NY -The “Skyline” dinner cruise boat and a penal transport ship (“The Tiffany”) transferring over 50 prisoners to the Downstate Correctional Facility exploded simultaneously in the Hudson River near the Holland Tunnel yesterday evening. All 263 passengers on the two boats died.
Joseph Gonzalez, Chief of Police, revealed a chilling twist in the tragedy. During the evening before each of the two boats left dock, their hulls had apparently been secretly laden with tons of homemade oil drum explosives, essentially rendering each vessel a huge bomb. And, as the villain who hatched this plan announced shortly before the explosions, the passengers of each boat had been given the detonators for the other boat.
“We think this may have been a sort of disturbed test of the limits of human morality in the face of self-preservation,” said Gonzalez at a press briefing this morning. “This would seem to be in line with the way the suspect does his thing.”
According to police, the suspect is the Jester, a sort of super criminal, who has never been caught despite garish face paint, clownish wardrobe, and his having literally publicly threatened the entire city on television.
After the boats had departed from shore, leaving behind the safety of land, it seems the Jester announced over radio to the passengers on the two vessels that each was provided the detonator for the other. If the passengers on one of the boats wouldn’t trigger the bomb on the other, the Jester allegedly stated, he would destroy both boats 25 minutes later.
Both ships exploded within 11 seconds after the announcement, as the passengers apparently raced as fast as they could to activate their detonators, essentially doing so at the same time.
“The Jester is still on the loose and is considered dangerous and only mildly amusing, despite his name,” said the Police Chief during the briefing. “Very mildly.”
Directly after the explosions, police did apprehend one man dressed in black rubber near the scene, but released him after determining that he was a harmless eccentric.
“He said he was trying to catch the Jester. We asked him if he had any idea where the Jester was, and he replied no but that he thought he would just walk around and hope to run into him,” said Gonzalez.
The Jester at the Police Chief’s press briefing this morning. Police have still been unable to apprehend him.
Lawrence, KS – Researchers at the Electronic Communications Foundation believe they have found the longest ever email conversation with the same subject line.
“Did you see SIenfeld last night?” was the subject line of the email from Gayle Hernandez to her then-co-worker Penny Pierson sent on October 4, 1996.
And, except for the “RE:” that was added when Penny wrote her first reply, agreeing that the man hands subplot was indeed maybe too hilarious, the subject line has been the same for almost 12 years for a slew of topics, including “Frasier” is very funny too; setting up a blind date; borrowing a Gypsy Kings CD; first joking but then sincerely wondering if there’s a way to kidnap Vince Vaughn; how eventually giving up on things like kidnapping Vince Vaughn actually demonstrates a certain lack of “go-get” that, if they want to achieve their dreams, they can’t accept lightly; how eating just meat and cheese really fucking sucks; Gayle’s move to Anchorage; how “there’s got to be a better way” to staple something than a stapler; how reality TV is “dumb as hell”; Penny insisting to pay for the at-the-time impoverished Gayle to fly to her wedding; how “The Office” is hilarious; how, if Lisa wins “Top Chef,” Gayle’ll put her kids in the Benz and they’ll personally go hunt her down; and many others.
“And the exchange still goes on,” said Yorn Getz, director of research at the Foundation. “Gayle just sent a reply to Penny a few minutes ago.”
An illustration of the most recent of the email exchange is below:
Boston, MA – Ivan Preston, owner of a website dedicated to explaining how to do various magic tricks, TricksExplained.com, says the trick he posted yesterday has spiked daily traffic to his site by the hundreds. And it’s no wonder: He and a couple of his other amateur magician friends had spent the last several months figuring out the mysterious ways of God, the popular magician best known for His creating all things trick.
“Yeah. When we finally realized the deal behind how He created man, we laughed our butts off because it’s really pretty simple, yet no one figured it out before now,” gleed Preston. “While most people realize it starts with getting together some earth, the rest of the trick is left out of the Bible. Well, it’s basically a sort of reversal of the saw-the-lady-in-half trick.”
They even deciphered the create-the-universe trick: “That took some doing because we had to find a place to recreate the universe. But when we finally rented a place, we actually figured it out in just a couple of days. You can do it with a plexiglass platform and you have to hold a quarter in between your thumb and palm with the back of the hand facing the audience. Now, God didn’t have an audience or a quarter, but you get my drift. Then, well…you have to visit the site to find out!” Preston said.
While referring to a trick of not God per se, but rather his son Jesus H. Christ, a comment posted on Preston’s site wondered if he’d ever broken the code of the water-into-wine trick.
“That is really just a masterpiece of distraction. Jesus made the wine just as anyone would–you know, grapes and fermenting and all that–but he keeps his audience’s minds and eyes occupied while aging the wine.”
RELATED NEWS: The Fertogn(x)s, evil occupants of Sector 7& of the alternate universe created by TricksExplained.com, are preparing to attack Earth, which has no feasible defense against their indescribable weaponry.
Magician God doing another of his popular tricks: making a toy boat float
Morristown, NJ – This small tranquil town of 6 or 10 thousand people has learned to accept a few of the more unpleasant trappings of modernity that make their way over from the nearby larger cities. Upticks in gang crime, speakeasies, and teenage pregnancies have all struck the residents of Morristown hard during the last several years. But they’ve worked together to deal with them.
However, an incident of once-rare signage defacement is the last straw for one local restaurateur, Gerry Katzmann. Earlier this year, in light of another unfortunate trend of late, Katzmann finally had to post a sign in the parking lot behind his BBQ restaurant, The Second Saddle, that reads, “Pee Limit 5.”
“People were going to the parking lot and peeing 6, 7, or even 8. I didn’t want to put an ugly sign out there, but I finally had to.”
But within weeks, the new sign had been vandalized to read, “Speed Limit 5,” with the “S” and the “d” sloppily rendered in black marker.
“I realized something was wrong when customers were coming (into the restaurant). And they would be chuckling to each other about speed limits and (rubbing each other and) sarcastically saying, “Hey, slow down” to each other and stuff. I went outside and saw what some jerk kid did to my expensive sign,” said Katzmann. “Ha ha. Very funny.”
This is the second known such incident in recent months. In early March, the Shove It Up an A-Hole trophy shop found all of its outdoor signage stolen one morning.
The sign we’re talking about
Elgin, IL – Brian O’Keefe and Jason Otterman, co-founders of the Marigold & White funeral home in Elgin, IL, decided they wanted to make a change.
As many of us know, Jake Tchaikovsky, dressed in the large foam Rusty the Shivering Marigold & White Lion costume, has stood out front of the Ann Street location every weekend day since 1985, shivering and helping bring attention to the popular funeral home’s various sales promotions and special Fourth of July events. But, starting this Saturday, while most passers-by will technically be able to wave back at things, they won’t be able to wave back at Rusty. Because he won’t be there to be waved-back to.
“We just thought the image of a lion was a little out-dated,” said Otterman in a sort of telephone interview. “There are fewer of them in the wild every year, and someday they’ll be gone. So, while we’ll always remember Rusty in our hearts, we’ve decided on a new mascot that better represents the spirit of Marigold & White.”
Tchaikovsky will now sport an anthropomorphic hamburger costume as the new face of Marigold & White, Harry the Hamburger.
“Harry The Hamburger. That’s our guy. And, while he’s nowhere near the best representation of the spirit of Marigold & White, he is, we think, a better representation than a lion,” said Otterman.
A mock funeral for Rusty the Shivering Lion will be held at the Marigold & White Funeral Home, Thursday evening at 5:30 PM.
Harry the Hamburger, the new mascot for Marigold & White Funeral Home
Lipton, NJ – The effects of this new golden age of terrorism are being felt everywhere. In a new survey published by Career Sciences this year, the rates of suicide per capita for 2007 are given for over 83 different common occupations. Over the previous 30 years that the survey has been published, the results have not varied greatly. But, this year, the perennial top-of-the-list, dentist, found itself second — and a far second at that — to suicide bomber.
“There are about 9 suicides for every 10 suicide bombers. It’s incredible. Comparatively, for the usual number one, dentistry, there’s about 1 suicide per 23,000 dentists,” said Dr. Meredith Hamm of the Career Sciences Center. “I just think the typical suicide bomber faces so much stress in performing the particularly harsh tasks they undertake and that must be what’s leading to this distressingly high figure. There definitely needs to be some system of counseling support or something in that relatively new career.”
Rounding off the top five most suicides-per-capita list were dentists, milkmen, suicide hotline operators, and some not very important job.
Some kind of suicide bomber type thing
Chicago, IL - Detective Lawrence Broch thought he had what it took to break his case. Two months ago, the elderly Stella Weidenbacher was stabbed to death in her apartment and her jewelry was stolen. Despite his many detective tools including magnifying glass, Broch had no clues or suspects or the definite killer.
But, Tuesday night, while laying awake in bed, Broch had an idea.
“I always do my best thinking while lying awake in bed. I was racking my brains, thinking that someone or some…thing must have seen this evil deed. And, then, I realized: the walls of the room she was murdered in. I’ll just go talk to them!”
However, the next morning, things didn’t quite turn out as hoped: “When I got to the apartment, I asked the walls all these questions and, of course, all they could do is sort of hum and moan their answers because they don’t have mouths. If only those walls could talk or even simply write down what they saw.”
Walls not talking
Baltimore (around there), MD – Some health organization out here reported like this morning that…something about how wine or whatever can, if you drink one or two glasses or something, can help, like, your heart or livers or something. Something like that.
One of the scientists who ran or whatever the study is Dr. something (but not the same something as the number of glasses of wine something) who won the coveted Nobel or Institute of Something or the Attendance Award or something along those lines. Speaking to the press or in a report or while doing push ups or that sort of thing, he said, “[Something about they did experiments and then said the number of glasses] of wine [went on about how you get healthier or stay just as healthy or that sort of thing]!” Thinking for a second and smiling, he added, “[amazing joke]!”
Something
Crystal Lake, IL – Carmela and Hugh Block of Crystal Lake, IL, have tried just about everything to get their chubby 14-year-old son Andy to put down his perpetual bowl of Lucky Charms, turn off his Guitar Hero video game, and get off the couch. But it’s been a losing battle.
“He’s just a very lazy kid,” Carmela shrugged.
“He’s just a very lazy kid,” Hugh added, providing exactly no extra insight beyond what Carmela had just said.
But Andy’s mother saw something different in her son when 20 to 30 Janjaweed (“Devil on horseback”) galloped into this small Chicago suburb and attacked the Block home yesterday afternoon.
“When the men threw torches through the window and ripped his father’s head off and drowned his baby brother Pete in the blood-filled neck hole of his father, Andy actually kind of sprung into action,” Carmela said proudly.
Specifically, Andy ran for his life with an almost hilarious waddle to the nearby woods. Several of the mounted murderer/rapists chased in pursuit but it is not yet known if they captured him and raped him while making him eat his own hands.
“They probably killed him, which saddens me to the greatest depths of my soul. Anyway, I should get going. A Janjaweed is currently swinging an axe towards my torso,” said the boy’s mother.
Simi Valley, CA – During last night’s debate of Republican candidates for president, moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! posed the question “Do you think Ronald Reagan would have supported you as the Republican nominee?” The first candidate to answer was former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who confidently stated, “In the late stages of his Alzheimer’s, I do believe that, if we all (the candidates) stood before him, I’d make a funny face so he would more likely, out of pure reflex, kind of notice me and possibly point at me thus kind of giving his endorsement.”
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| Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan: separated at birth? No. |
Columbus, OH – Bryan Beeker, owner of Neptune’s Waterboard Park in Columbus, OH, is worried. Very worried. “You know, kids and families have been coming here for years in the summer to get waterboarded. And, now, with all these hearings and stuff, the summer activity we’ve been known for could get a bad rap and I could shut down.”
While U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey has not yet stated that waterboarding — the act of simulating drowning for the subject — is legally considered torture, that’s not much consolation for Beeker. “The damage may have already been done,” he shrugged. “The press and all the people who’ve undergone waterboarding have already made people think it’s definitely torture. And why would people go to a park that they think tortures them? If you ask me, sure waterboarding is physically and mentally very painful, but it’s not quite torture, for crying out loud.”
Detail of lunch box kids can purchase at Neptune’s Waterboard Park
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