Some of them Coach Murphy quotes written by one of TheDirk’s VPs of Marketing are on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency today. Check them out. Do you understand? Click here.

More inspirational quotes from legendary Mt. Saint Claire High football coach Barry Murphy:

“There is no ‘I’ in ‘team.’ There’s also no ‘k’ in ‘telescope,’ I don’t think. And you shouldn’t put swear words in your papers. And I don’t even know what this punctuation mark is. Tell you what, Ciske, we can’t have the school throw you off the team, so I’ll just rewrite this for you. Assuming you become an NFL player, you won’t need to learn how to write anyway. When’s this due?”

“Winning isn’t everything, gentlemen. It’s the only thing. So, Prather, I just want you to understand why I’m confused when you ask me for a new helmet. Because there are no helmets or other things, just winning.”

“Brett, could you stop smoking your pipe when you’re out on the field? I think the cherry maple scent may be putting your teammates in the overly relaxed mindset of sitting in leather chairs in front of a fireplace.”

“I know our mascot is loud and fairly disturbing (we are the Mt. Saint Claire High Shrieking, Burning Businessmen after all), but you need to not be distracted by him and keep your head in the game.”

More inspirational quotes from legendary Mt. Saint Claire High football coach Barry Murphy:

“Okay. So, the other team has some kind of mutant cyborg creature that has horns and the strength of 183 men. That’s gonna be tough. So Straka, you’re our biggest guy. You need to pull-block the monster best you can and…What’s funny? Oh, you guys were joking when you told me that. So they don’t have a cyborg. Ha ha. Very funny, guys.”

“You guys didn’t score on that last drive. Why? What’s the point of not scoring?”

“Knute Rockne popularized the forward pass. It’s that kind of innovation that leads to victories. I’m going to popularize shooting guns at the defense.”

“Don’t pay any attention to the joggers on the track laughing at us. If they have such great lives, why aren’t they carrying big wads of money in their hands and wearing a machine that rubs their junk?”

More inspirational “Ol’ Coach” Murphy quotes:

“Show me someone who succeeds without trying and, if that person is a woman with enormous cans, I will pay you money.”

“I think several of you kids on this team are inherently faulty people, for whom nothing will ever work out.”

“We’re playing the Cougars tonight. I love the Cougars. I hope they win.”

Click for more “Ol’ Coach” Murphy quotes!

As you know, in the early ’70s, Coach Barry Murphy of Mt. Saint Claire High inspired his Bisons to a winning 52-51-1 record during his long career. He’s dead, but his special brand of football philosophy lives on to inspire, not just the continuing generations of football players, but also other people. Here are some of “Ol’ Coach”’s most popular locker room quotes:

“Show me a man who’s succeeded without having failed along the way, and I’ll show you this one dog that actually dates human men. I think that’s more impressive, because lots of men have succeeded without having failed along the way.”

“Because we’ve been practicing in the rain, your cleats are really wet. I suggest, when you get home and take them off, that you put rolls of newspaper in them. That will soak up the uh…whadyacallit…the moisture.”

“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? I think it’s because points attained in sports competitions are a weird kind of nourishment for the Gods.”

“The only way they’re going to stop me from coaching this team is if they carry me out.”