Bretton, one of our favorite comedians, taped his HBO special last weekend. It was the big time too. He had some kind of stage background that attempted to ascribe a theme to him (in this case, a science lab), he had bottles of water on a stool, and he found a way to tie his jokes together at the end into some serious social commentary to lift him from the level of mere comedian to humorist.

Here’s some excerpts from his performance:

I love how those things you use to put staples through a document to hold it together are called “paper take-aparters.” And it’s like, why are they called that? They actually do the opposite of that! I just notice these little things in life like that. I’m weird that way.

But, seriously, y’all, society’s fucked up. (Take swig of water and proceed to next joke.)

My girl watches all those reality shows. It’s crazy, y’all. (applause, hoots from the guys) What is it, uh, “American Idol,” “Project Runway,” “Amazing Race,” I don’t know what all, “Project fuckin’ American Amazing Dance Dance” all that. You notice they’re all “amazing” something or “American” something or “project” something? I can’t even keep the shit straight, y’all. Sometimes, I’ll be like, “Honey, you watching ‘American Runway’ tonight?” or “Hey, do you want me to TiVo ‘Project Race’ tonight?” And sometimes, if I’m not careful, it can get me in a big heap o’ trouble! One time, we were at the Chinese restaurant, Chinese families all around us, you know, and I yelled out to the waiter, “Hey, waiter, can I glet my chleck prease? Ploject Idor?” For real.

I don’t understand why, in this time of terror and violence, President Bush also wants to do away with love and caring. (applause) For example, no gay marriage. He wants to make gay marriage unconstitutional. Well, sorry, Mr. Bush, but here’s your amendment right here (Puts up middle finger). (Huge rafter-trembling applause.)

As you may know, standup comedian Bretton is releasing his new comedy album, “Live at Lynda’s Nails and Wig,” in the fall. Click here for an excerpt!

“What is up? Huh? So, me and my wife were moving this last weekend and…do you…why do movers always do that thing where they, like…is it some requirement that movers have to put on those bunny suits? I mean….really? Do you really need to look like Peter Rabbit on steroids to move my shit? And is there a reason that movers feel like they have to trample up my new stairs to get stuff to our second floor? Call me wacky, but maybe, just maybe, they could find another way to get stuff upstairs?”

It’s been raining for 12 days straight…and it just makes life seem so flat, so…dead.

Bretton: How many people here watch that show ‘Deal or No Deal?’

Audience cheers

Bretton: No. No. I asked how many. Just cheering doesn’t give me a number. I need a good, hard number. So….let’s…fucking…try this again: how many?

“See, now girls. Girls can go to a club and they’ll be like ‘We’re at the club. But it’s not like a club as in a clubhouse. It’s a club as in a dance club.’ Then, they’ll continue to talk as follows: ‘Let’s dance by ourselves! We don’t need male counterparts!’ And they’ll dance in a circle with their purses in the middle. But males. Males would never just dance with other males. Right, males? Could you imagine? ‘Hey, males! Let’s dance by ourselves! We don’t need girls!’ Then they’d dance in a circle. It wouldn’t be that weird, but kind of, right?”

“What if peaches had a rind you had to peel? You’d be like, ‘Yes, I’d like a peach, please!’ Then you’d have to stand there (or sit there) peeling it!”

“Uh…I don’t know. Are you with me here? I love how they call that thing you put a picture or painting in a ‘frame.’ Yeah. Exactly. ‘Why yes. I would like to frame my picture of Aunt Lou for a crime it didn’t commit, thank you very much.’ I mean, right? Or ‘How would I frame my picture, meaning how, in the same way that I frame my argument, would I frame my picture?’ Doesn’t make sense, right? Stop calling that thing you put your pictures in a frame!”

“This guy at work. He’s all…oh, what’s the word…just like all smirky. Like he knows everything. Talks about books and politics. But he…he won’t…he tried to ask Iliana out and he was saying all these compliments and…I don’t know…it was just the way he did it that was just weird, almost funny.”

Pulls out some terra (i.e., dirt) from a suitcase, duffle, or some other container. Says, “Here is some terra!” Then, pulls out an irrific (with the help of an audience member). He holds it up side-by-side with the terra and says, “Together these two things are terra-ific! Literally!”

Bretton: “What was…Did you see that ‘My Name Is Earl’ where the woman…”

Audience: “Which woman? The dark-haired one or the main one, Joy?”

Bretton: “Yeah. Her. Joy. But she…so she is making spaghetti for her kids and…she’s saying this stuff to Earl…and she pours on this really bad looking sauce onto the spaghetti. Or…I don’t know…”

Audience: “She squirts ketchup on the spaghetti instead of sauce. That’s what was funny about it.”

“So, I bought some instant water. I read the instructions and it just said “add water.” Wait…No. That’s not right. Why would I buy instant water if I already had the water to add to it? Crap. What’s the joke? Sorry. I’m not remembering this joke right. I’m a little off…a lot of people in my family died today.”

“Why are spacemen always wearing those helmets when they’re in space? Do they really need those things? I mean, imagine if everybody wore helmets to work! I’d be like putting something in a filing cabinet with my space helmet on.”