Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! When a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? - Herman in Huron, ND

Dear Herman in Huron, ND - Yes, it does, as witnessed by scientists here at the University.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How big is the universe? - Always Curious in Albany

Dear Always Curious in Albany - Huh?

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I was asking how big the universe is.

Dear Always Curious in Albany - Ah, yes. The universe, which is where you and I live, is infinite. That’s bigger than three football fields built for some reason end-to-end!

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I forget, what’s that popular mnemonic device we were all taught as youngsters to remember the order of the planets in our solar system? - Forgetful in Philadelphia

Dear Forgetful in Philadelphia - The answer to your question is two-fold: First, I’m smarter than you. Secondly, I don’t know what you learned, but the mnemonic device I teach my students at the University is “Mary said that Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune are planets.” The “m” in Mary stands for Mercury, the “s” in “said” for the planet Sorion, the “that” doesn’t stand for anything, and the “p” in “planets” stands for Pluto.

Hey, Dr. Science Patterson! What makes a volcano erupt? - Curious Kid in Concord, NH

Dear Curious Kid in Concord, NH - Despite lack of funding, the geology team at the University here have decided to soldier on and proceed with the research they had been planning on this very subject. They have quite a bit more work to do, but their preliminary findings indicate that an erupting volcano is basically the Earth deity’s way of showing He has been made angry.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I’m like 8 years old and like I was um…throwing this thing around and started noticing that like, if I threw the thing real fast, some energy was emitted and I started noticing that like E=mc^1.8 or something close to that. Has anyone else like noticed this? Curious in Like Clinton, IA

Hey, Curious in Clintonish, IA! No, no one’s noticed it because it’s like wrong. If I were you, I would steer clear of any scientific pursuits.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I know you’re a person of science, so do you believe in God? - Inquisitive in Irlia, Rhode Island

Dear Inquisitive in Irlia, RI - I do believe in God; I’m just not that impressed with Him. He supposedly created the universe in six days but, if you gave me six full days to do something, no one else is around and nothing else yet exists that can get in the way and be a distraction (e.g., super balls, margarine, shots), I could make something pretty cool too.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Why do leaves change color during the fall? - Autumn Cherub in Maine

Dear Whatever in Maine: Though this seems like one of those questions that could find its answer through the process of scientific study, it’s actually just an excellently disguised rhetorical question. You’ll have to look within yourself or something to find the answer.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! What exactly is the vernal equinox? - Quizzical in Camarillo

Dear Quizzical in Camarillo: This is a question you should already know the answer to. But, okay…Let’s use an analogy to explain it. Pretend that, say, a penny is the Earth. The vernal equinox is when the Sun, which moves along the Eliptic, occupies the point that crosses the Equator while heading north. (You can use something to represent the Eliptic.)

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! - Wondering in Wichita

Dear Wondering in Wichita: Yes?

Dr. Science-Patterson, why do men have nipples? They don’t serve any real purpose, do they? - Wondering in Wichita

Dear Wondering in Wichita: I assume what you really meant to ask is why do women have nipples? And there’s actually a very good (and obvious) reason: to deliver nutrient-rich milk to the woman’s infant.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson. If God can do anything, can He make a rock so heavy that even He can’t lift it? - Confused in Tempe, AZ

Dear Confused in Tempe, AZ - The answer to this question is also easy. I don’t get why these types of things are such conundrums for people. Anyway, yes, of course He can make a rock that heavy (this would fall under the whole God being able to do anything, right?). Now, as far as Him then being able to lift said rock, He would be able to because He can do anything.