Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How does a cell phone work? Inquisitive in Indianola, Indiana
Dear Inquisitive in Indianola Let’s us an analogy: imagine your cell phone as a sort of cell phone, if you will, that many people over the years have already researched, designed, and perfected and that you can just buy and use and no one needs you to know how it f’n works and you can just go on with doing real things like having a job.
I hope that helped. Please, all science lovers, feel free to write me with any questions you may have.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Does love really conquer hate? Wondering if Love Is the Best Choice in LaVerne, KY
Dear Wondering if Love Is the Best Choice, analogies teach us a lot. At the University, we use them as a cheaper alternative to scientific experimentation. So let’s use one: if Dalai Lama represents love and hate is represented by some fictional beings that can somehow be pathetic enough to be conquered by a twerpy old guy who provides an easy opening for you to defeat him by his eschewing violence and hate of any kind, then yes, we can rest assured that love conquers hate.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How many hits can a fairly lame political joke get these days on the Internet? All Kinds of Wondering in New Delhi, OH
Dear All Kinds of Wondering, I don’t know, so I had my lab assistants at the University set up an experiment in the form of the entry below this one. Let’s see what happens.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! - Lens Lunatic from Liberty, RI
Dear Lens Lunatic - I was just in the middle of going out for a smoke but, all right, what do you want?
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Is it true that pictures are worth a thousand words? - Lens Lunatic from Liberty, RI
Dear Lens Lunatic - Yes, but a few of those words are probably “uh,” “…er,” “knowwhatI’msayin’,” or “freakin’”
A picture
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I was just wondering if global warming is the cause of the higher temperatures we’re experiencing in this country this year. - Amateur Weather Scientist from Ames, IA
Dear Amateur Weather Scientist - Okay, here’s a little question I would send to your column if you had one: “Dear Amateur Weather Scientist, How the f should I know? - Actual Scientist with Other Things to Do Besides Answer Silly Shit“
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! What is the history behind kids hanging stockings at Christmas for Santa to fill with toys and candy? - Christmas Cheerer, Biloxi, MI
Dear, Christmas Cheerer - This tradition reaches as far back as at least the early 1980’s in the United States when children would hang stockings at Christmas. The idea was that Santa Clause would fill them with toys and candy and other assorted goodies.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! When I shake my Coke and, then, open it, it shoots fizz everywhere. What makes it do that? - Soda Shaker in Silas, OH
Dear Soda Shaker - Well, I’m more of an expert of science than I am of physics, but, from what I understand, Coke is a type of soda beverage and all soda will fizz like that when you shake it.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! First, I want to give you a shout out about your new show “Science or (Sigh) Whatever” on PBS. It’s good, as far as I can tell. Also, I was wondering: why does President Bush say “terroristsssss” instead of just “terrorists”? - Knowledge Lover in Nome, AK
Dear Knowledge Lover in Nome, AK - Well, “terrorists” is the plural of “terrorist.” This is a given. But our president, in his attempts to articulate policy in an era in which more people are doing terror than ever before, has obviously run up against the fact that we have had no way of articulating the plural of the plural of “terrorist” (i.e., when there is more than one terrorists). I believe the word he’s invented, “terroristssss,” is as good a solution as any.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! What does my older brother mean when he says “spanking the monkey”? - Huh? in Harbor, AK
Dear, Huh? This is a popular phrase with junior high- and high school-aged children of America. For better or worse, we should all know what it means. If not, we’re just living in dangerous ignorance. But, through use of logic, you can answer your question yourself by breaking the phrase down into its component parts. You know what spanking is, right? And you know what a monkey is, right? Well, there you go.
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How do plants nourish themselves? - Plant Lover in Prior Springs, MI
Dear, Plant Lover A plant will first acquire its “food” (really just the sunlight) and “put it in its mouth” and “chew and swallow” “it.”
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Hey, one of my friends told me that the tomato is a fruit and not a vegetable. I was very surprised to hear this. Is it true? - Wonderin’ in Wichita, KS
Dear, Wonderin’ in Wichita The scientific definition of fruit is that it be stuff like apples and oranges and all that. The tomato does not belong to this category (or, if it did, it would be very surprising).
