Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Stats!
It’s that time of the year! Time for Thanksgiving Parade Stats! Here are the hosts, Meredith and Matt!
Here comes Dora the Explorer. What a great float! Did you know, Matt, her backpack is four stories tall, her hiking boot is a dainty size 98, and I wouldn’t want to be her optometrist because you can fit, get this, seventeen truck tires in each one of her big brown eyes.
Wow!
Oh, here comes our favorite lovable Medieval green monster, Shrek, and his sidekick, Donkey, taking a stroll through Times Square this crisp Thanksgiving morning. Matt, Shrek’s antennae are taller than a NBA regulation basketball rim, his head would fit a size 87 1/4 hat, and his tunic could cover, get this, eight of those chess boards, but the ones where humans are the pieces!
Wow!
Like they have at art fairs and stuff!
Right! I know! Those chess matches where the humans actually dress up like the pieces!
Right! I’d sure hate to be the one who has to do Shrek’s laundry!
I know! But I don’t think it’s something to really worry about!
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Okay, Matt. Here are my favorites of every Thanksgiving Parade. It’s the M&Ms characters!
Yup!
Now, get this, Matt…
Yes?
The white gloves on these melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hands cuties are each larger than an olympic-sized swimming pool if you lopped two feet off of that pool. And the familiar M on the little guy’s chest is taller than Shaquille O’Neal with the late John Ritter standing on his shoulders.
Whoa!
John Ritter was surprising in “Sling Blade” playing a dramatic role like that. More surprising than two football fields standing up and getting married!
They just legalized something like that in Vermont! Wow!
Also, the lady M&M, with the addition of the white go-go boots is apparently just female enough to cause four men to touch theyselves every hour in this country, and that’s just those who admitted it to our pollsters. Thirty guys did not admit it!
Neat!
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Now, headed our way right behind this average high school marching band is a new float this year and, I gotta tell you, Matt, I love it. It’s already a classic. It’s Father Flynn from last year’s hit movie, “Doubt.” Apparently, each one of his ears could listen the confessions of the Lady M&M float for, get this, up to 9 hours.
Wow! Anything about the crease in his brow?
Yes! The crease in his brow forged from the life of being a celibate, ascetic priest float is so deep and long it could be used as a slot in which one could place and serve, get his, up to 900 slices of cantaloupe at a very bizarre brunch.
Wow! And his shoes are about as big as you’d expect!
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Here, doggy doggy!
I’m kind of wondering why you’re yelling that!
Because here comes Bolt! Although it’s not unanimous, he’s America’s favorite puppy and you can see why!
He’s so cute!
Well, you wouldn’t want to house train him! To do so, you’d need more newspaper everyday than gets printed anymore in this country.
Geez!
And if you’re an out-of-work journalist, you could maybe get a job cleaning after this little fellow, but the pure amount of shit he would generate would seem such a tragic turn in your life that you would fall into a, get this, Matt, literally massive depression!
That’s amazing!
Also — that’s not all we have on Bolt –
Good! More stuff on that, please!
The little black lightening bolt on the helium-filled canine’s flank is over four times the size of itself causing a time-space rift through which dark forces are entering our dimension and threatening our way of life.
Wow! That is big!
And his collar is so long that they didn’t bother finding out what could fit in it!
Okay! Oh, here is one of those floats that stops so you can watch the Radio Disney singer lip-sync and bump hips with the “Kung Fu Panda” characters!