Stock Market Attacks
New York, NY – After months of dipping, falling, and plunging mixed with rare moments of rising and upticking, the Dow simply outright attacked in today’s trading.
New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg requested several emergency Marine and Air Force battalions to end the market’s rampage on the city’s downtown, but it, partly as a result of its being an abstraction, escaped the onslaught unscathed and now appears to be headed towards the Midwest states.
“People need to check their 401k’s and stocks, but I think most will find that their portfolios haven’t gone up or down, but just sort of escaped,” said Miriam Fellows, a senior portfolio adviser with Ryson & Bruce Investment Services.
Dangers of Global Warming Overstated – Human Life Has 23 More Minutes Than Previously Estimated
Keil, Germany – Scientists at the Leibniz Institute for Marine Sciences in Keil, Germany, have determined that, because of some new data regarding Arctic sparns, the dangers of global warming may have been overstated. “Based on some new models we’ve run, we’ve found that the human race has upwards of 23 more minutes of existence on this planet than was previously predicted for the current rate of greenhouse-gas emissions.”
Already, based on the previous paragraph, the sales of Hummers, incandescent light blubs, McDonald’s-eating strumpets, and the popular “Backyardigans ‘Destroy Your World!’ Green House Gas Pump” childrens toy from Fisher-Price have increased significantly.
