Our resident Amazonian reviewer had some strong things to say about Kanye West’s new CD, “808s & Heartbreak.” You can read it up in here.

Use of Private Jet Loses Homeless Man the Chance for 50 Cents

Denver, CO - Winston Dranger is a homeless man who puts his head down at one shelter or another or, more often than not, in a dark alleyway in downtown Denver. He says he’s 47-years-old, but looks more like he’s reaching his mid-60’s. And, like others in his plight, he feeds himself only through the small amounts of change he can panhandle throughout the day. So losing a chance at 50 cents like he did today was earth-shattering.

“One of my buddies, Slats, in Boulder told me he talked to a guy who could spare a full-on buck. Slats took 50 of the cents and was nice enough to call me to come get t’other 50,” said Dranger. “Sos, I flew over in my Gulfstream. Well, it happens the guy got all insulted I came over in a private jet. Said I was the height of arrogance or some such. He didn’t give me the change and, well, here I am again. Nothing to [eat]. I guess there’s always tomorrow. I hope, anyways,” he said as the chill of the night air whipped through his threadbare coat.

Asked how he, a homeless man with literally no funds was able to “call” his friend in Boulder, Dranger said, “We can’t afford no mobile phones or nothing like that, of course. Sos Slats hologrammed hisself to me using the ‘poor man’s phone’ as we call it.”

Dranger’s Gulfstream jet. Many times Dranger is unable to stock the bar with even the most essential of grain alcohols

American Smiles as He Remembers 9/11

But Realizes Memory Grows Fonder

Brainresults, PA - Guy Parson, 32, was sitting on a friend’s balcony early on the morning of September 11, 2001. And they were looking towards downtown Manhattan. It was a beautiful day.

“I remember perfectly blue skies. Then, I saw a big pretty plane heading towards one of the World Trade Center towers. That was pretty neat. I also remember that plane kind of touching the tower, kind of stroking it, if I remember correctly. I also remember, earlier that morning, we had like this awesome watermelon at my friend’s apartment, like the sweetest I’ve ever had. Like honey, that stuff. I also remember not having to go into work that day or the next. It was a great day, although I realize that people tend to remember things better than they really were.”

Hey. Sorry to startle you, but The Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron), a sketch group to which one of our VP’s of Marketing belongs, had one of they sketches (”Just Friends”) adapted for Swiss audiences.

Our conservative columnist Bailey McAdams is back on TheDirk to give some straight talk to the American people:

Well, this Tuesday, voters across this great land will be going to the polls and electing our next president of the United States. And every one of them should get a sticker as they hand in their ballot. This sticker says, “I Voted.”

But imagine if that sticker said, “I Voted…For Gay Marriage.” How would it feel to wear that on your lapel? Or how about over your mouth and nose, so you couldn’t breathe? Or what if you wore it sort of lodged into your eye. You wouldn’t want that, right? So, if you wouldn’t wear a sticker that said you voted for gay marriage, that’s an indicator that you shouldn’t vote for gay marriage!

And if you California voters don’t vote YES on Proposition 8, homosexuals (including gays, gaywads, and gayrods) will continue to be able to legally marry in that state. And that ain’t some sticker (as you’ve probably guessed); that’s real.

First of all, if gay marriage continues to be legal, it would mean little California children will be taught about homosexuality in school! Think about it: Imagine, your little son or daughter sitting in the classroom, building a time machine or whatever kids do now in school, and the teacher inevitably says, “Gather around kids. We’re going to have our lesson about married couples.”

Now, if your child asks this teacher about why a man and woman live together, the teacher can obviously simply say, “Because they love each other and want to live together.” Innocent enough, and teaches the concept of love and commitment. Fine.

But, what if your little one asks why a man and a man live together? Well, what else can the teacher say but “Because they like to stroke each other’s cock and lick they balls noisily and ram it in each other hard. And put things in their anuses”? How else would they explain this crime against God? I can’t think of a tamer way. And imagine your child hearing this obscenity in their classroom! Needless to say, his/her cute little innocence would be lost forever.

So, if you vote against Prop 8, you’re right; your voting sticker won’t literally say, “I Voted…For Gay Marriage.” But it will say, “I Voted…To Destroy Children.” (Although, not literally.)