CNN Discovers Existence of Green States

Atlanta, GA — During yesterday’s edition of the popular political pundit programme “The Situation Room,” CNN’s usually steady Wolf Blitzer seemed taken aback when he turned to the large electoral map of the upcoming presidential election. Viewers were most likely startled as well when they saw that Hawaii and Minnesota were colored neither red nor blue to designate preponderance of Republican or Democratic votes, respectively. The two states weren’t even purple, which would indicate a statistical tie in predicted voting results.

They had become green.

“We don’t know what the color means,” said a bemused Blitzer, if “bemused” means “confounded.” “It doesn’t mean a tight race in the state, which would be purple. And it of course doesn’t mean Republican or Democratic.”

And no one else at the 24-hour cable news network seemed yet to know what the new color represents either. “We just don’t know yet and are doing what we can to find out,” shrugged Tonya Andresen, Director of News Reporting at CNN.

The current red, blue, and purple color designations were invented by the news teams of the major television networks over the course of the last 35 years and have become considered a close-to-perfect standard by which to quickly convey election or poll results to TV audiences. However, this incident demonstrates that the system may be far from fucking perfect.

“David Brinkley actually said back in the 80s that we need to figure out what green means, but no one believed we’d have reason to know. Turns out Brinkley was right,” said Andresen.

The entrance to Kingdom CNN, the CNN-based theme park in Sarasota, FL