Archive for July, 2008

“Please Listen to My New Single” – Morrissey

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008

Hello sweet/tender/other hooligans.

Just thought I would take a bit of time to write you during my midday meal. I’m rather enjoying a wonderful plate of fruit, seal sausage links, salad, and a burger (veggie burger, of course. I don’t eat meat as you likely know).

But I wanted to announce to all of you my new single to be released this autumn. It’s a slightly different direction for me. Anyway, “Snap Ya Thongz” is best described, I think, as classic Smiths “Hand In Glove” meets Sean Paul’s “Watch Dem Roll.” And is there a touch of “Hoes in My Room?”in the new track? I’m not a mathematician, but I believe that approximately hells to the yes there is some “Hoes in My Room” in the new track.

Simply put, I think it’s about time a musical artist finally stood up to the Queen and that ape president Bush and had the guts to discuss real issues in their music; issues such as vegetarianism, massive war budgets, rims, thongs, and the disturbing lack of bitches willing to “get low and wipe da floor wid it,” to paraphrase one of the more brilliant Oscar Wilde quotes (“Get low and wipe the floor with it”).

Anyway, there is no one else creating truly honest music today, so I am stepping in again to save the art form. So thank me by giving the new single a listen and purchasing my new CD “I lIkez to Hump.” (The cover is a 1950′s photo of a shirtless brooding young man vaguely looking off somewhere.)

If Me Mum Wrote Traffic Signage!

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Hey, TheDirk went through the various letters in the suggestion box by the factory gate and we were finally able to put together what was by far the most requested piece: a thing about a parent and if they wrote some spec traffic signage. Here (there) it is!

TRAFFIC SIGNS WRITTEN UP BY ME MUM!

(Posted within 4 inches to the left of every Stop sign)
Stop…Stop…STOP!!!

You Should Have Turned
(Back There)

Do Not Pass
(Yes, Legally You Can, But Do Not)

Slippery When Wet
And Look At The Picture Of The Baby’s Bottom Under “Slippery When Wet”!
Isn’t That Just A Scream?

What Are You Doing? Oh, You’re Taking A U Turn.
(You Could Have Just Gone Around The Block, But Anyway)

Oh, Nothing
(Next 500 Feet)

Fremont Freeway Ramp – 27 Miles
Please Enter Right Lane Now To Exit

Oh, What Is That Word? You Know. The Thing Where You Don’t Necessarily Have To Stop, But Only If Cars Are Coming?
I Hate This. What IS That Word? I Know It Starts With A G. I Think
(To Oncoming Traffic)

You Haven’t Gotten Tickets To Come Out For Christmas Yet? Incredible
(5 Months Ahead)

Life Is Like This Highway. So You Need To Get Married.

More of the Unanswered Jokes!

Sunday, July 6th, 2008

Here are more of the jokes written over the ages that apparently still do not have answers:

– What did the wheelbarrow whisper to the doorbell when it took the doorbell aside at the dinner party?

– What do you get when you cross a fireman with a wrong answer to the question “Where’s the Guggenheim”?

– How many blondes does it take to invent and build an edible time machine?

– What time did your watch read when the elephant sat on the fence?

– What is Frankenstein monster’s favorite flavor of ice cream, assuming that he, like the rest of us, does not automatically prefer things that are for some reason named with a pun of some aspect of his physicality or monsterishness?

– Sure, the duck said to the other, funny duck, “You quack me up!” But, when the funny duck said, “Oh, thank you. That means a lot! Oh, hey, did you like the bit I did about dating a goose?” what did the other duck, who actually thought the bit lacked a strong finish, say? “It quacked a strong finish?” No. “Quack” means “crack.” That’s been established. So…?

–Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Why are you crying?

Because my wife has left me and taken the children, if you must know. What do you want?

Well…I…

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?! (Breaks down completely, falling to his knees, boo-whooing even harder)