Dinner Cruise Boat and Prisoner Transport Passengers Detonate Bombs on Each Others’ Boats

New York, NY -The “Skyline” dinner cruise boat and a penal transport ship (”The Tiffany”) transferring over 50 prisoners to the Downstate Correctional Facility exploded simultaneously in the Hudson River near the Holland Tunnel yesterday evening. All 263 passengers on the two boats died.

Joseph Gonzalez, Chief of Police, revealed a chilling twist in the tragedy. During the evening before each of the two boats left dock, their hulls had apparently been secretly laden with tons of homemade oil drum explosives, essentially rendering each vessel a huge bomb. And, as the villain who hatched this plan announced shortly before the explosions, the passengers of each boat had been given the detonators for the other boat.

“We think this may have been a sort of disturbed test of the limits of human morality in the face of self-preservation,” said Gonzalez at a press briefing this morning. “This would seem to be in line with the way the suspect does his thing.”

According to police, the suspect is the Jester, a sort of super criminal, who has never been caught despite garish face paint, clownish wardrobe, and his having literally publicly threatened the entire city on television.

After the boats had departed from shore, leaving behind the safety of land, it seems the Jester announced over radio to the passengers on the two vessels that each was provided the detonator for the other. If the passengers on one of the boats wouldn’t trigger the bomb on the other, the Jester allegedly stated, he would destroy both boats 25 minutes later.

Both ships exploded within 11 seconds after the announcement, as the passengers apparently raced as fast as they could to activate their detonators, essentially doing so at the same time.

“The Jester is still on the loose and is considered dangerous and only mildly amusing, despite his name,” said the Police Chief during the briefing. “Very mildly.”

Directly after the explosions, police did apprehend one man dressed in black rubber near the scene, but released him after determining that he was a harmless eccentric.

“He said he was trying to catch the Jester. We asked him if he had any idea where the Jester was, and he replied no but that he thought he would just walk around and hope to run into him,” said Gonzalez.

The Jester at the Police Chief’s press briefing this morning. Police have still been unable to apprehend him.

Hello sweet/tender/other hooligans.

Just thought I would take a bit of time to write you during my midday meal. I’m rather enjoying a wonderful plate of fruit, seal sausage links, salad, and a burger (veggie burger, of course. I don’t eat meat as you likely know).

But I wanted to announce to all of you my new single to be released this autumn. It’s a slightly different direction for me. Anyway, “Snap Ya Thongz” is best described, I think, as classic Smiths “Hand In Glove” meets Sean Paul’s “Watch Dem Roll.” And is there a touch of “Hoes in My Room?”in the new track? I’m not a mathematician, but I believe that approximately hells to the yes there is some “Hoes in My Room” in the new track.

Simply put, I think it’s about time a musical artist finally stood up to the Queen and that ape president Bush and had the guts to discuss real issues in their music; issues such as vegetarianism, massive war budgets, rims, thongs, and the disturbing lack of bitches willing to “get low and wipe da floor wid it,” to paraphrase one of the more brilliant Oscar Wilde quotes (”Get low and wipe the floor with it”).

Anyway, there is no one else creating truly honest music today, so I am stepping in again to save the art form. So thank me by giving the new single a listen and purchasing my new CD “I lIkez to Hump.” (The cover is a 1950’s photo of a shirtless brooding young man vaguely looking off somewhere.)

Hey, TheDirk went through the various letters in the suggestion box by the factory gate and we were finally able to put together what was by far the most requested piece: a thing about a parent and if they wrote some spec traffic signage. Here (there) it is!

TRAFFIC SIGNS WRITTEN UP BY ME MUM!

(Posted within 4 inches to the left of every Stop sign)
Stop…Stop…STOP!!!

You Should Have Turned
(Back There)

Do Not Pass
(Yes, Legally You Can, But Do Not)

Slippery When Wet
And Look At The Picture Of The Baby’s Bottom Under “Slippery When Wet”!
Isn’t That Just A Scream?

What Are You Doing? Oh, You’re Taking A U Turn.
(You Could Have Just Gone Around The Block, But Anyway)

Oh, Nothing
(Next 500 Feet)

Fremont Freeway Ramp - 27 Miles
Please Enter Right Lane Now To Exit

Oh, What Is That Word? You Know. The Thing Where You Don’t Necessarily Have To Stop, But Only If Cars Are Coming?
I Hate This. What IS That Word? I Know It Starts With A G. I Think
(To Oncoming Traffic)

You Haven’t Gotten Tickets To Come Out For Christmas Yet? Incredible
(5 Months Ahead)

Life Is Like This Highway. So You Need To Get Married.

Here are more of the jokes written over the ages that apparently still do not have answers:

– What did the wheelbarrow whisper to the doorbell when it took the doorbell aside at the dinner party?

– What do you get when you cross a fireman with a wrong answer to the question “Where’s the Guggenheim”?

– How many blondes does it take to invent and build an edible time machine?

– What time did your watch read when the elephant sat on the fence?

– What is Frankenstein monster’s favorite flavor of ice cream, assuming that he, like the rest of us, does not automatically prefer things that are for some reason named with a pun of some aspect of his physicality or monsterishness?

– Sure, the duck said to the other, funny duck, “You quack me up!” But, when the funny duck said, “Oh, thank you. That means a lot! Oh, hey, did you like the bit I did about dating a goose?” what did the other duck, who actually thought the bit lacked a strong finish, say? “It quacked a strong finish?” No. “Quack” means “crack.” That’s been established. So…?

–Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Why are you crying?

Because my wife has left me and taken the children, if you must know. What do you want?

Well…I…

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?! (Breaks down completely, falling to his knees, boo-whooing even harder)