Romney Says Reagan Would Have Endorsed Him

Simi Valley, CA - During last night’s debate of Republican candidates for president, moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN and Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! posed the question “Do you think Ronald Reagan would have supported you as the Republican nominee?” The first candidate to answer was former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, who confidently stated, “In the late stages of his Alzheimer’s, I do believe that, if we all (the candidates) stood before him, I’d make a funny face so he would more likely, out of pure reflex, kind of notice me and possibly point at me thus kind of giving his endorsement.”

Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan: separated at birth? No.

Proprietor of Waterboarding Park Worried

Columbus, OH - Bryan Beeker, owner of Neptune’s Waterboard Park in Columbus, OH, is worried. Very worried. “You know, kids and families have been coming here for years in the summer to get waterboarded. And, now, with all these hearings and stuff, the summer activity we’ve been known for could get a bad rap and I could shut down.”

While U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey has not yet stated that waterboarding — the act of simulating drowning for the subject — is legally considered torture, that’s not much consolation for Beeker. “The damage may have already been done,” he shrugged. “The press and all the people who’ve undergone waterboarding have already made people think it’s definitely torture. And why would people go to a park that they think tortures them? If you ask me, sure waterboarding is physically and mentally very painful, but it’s not quite torture, for crying out loud.”

Detail of lunch box kids can purchase at Neptune’s Waterboard Park

Bush Reveals at End of State of Union Address that U.S. Has Been ‘Punk’d'”

Warshington, DC - Last night, during the last of his State of the Union addresses, President George Bush discussed,
among other issues, the economy, the war in Iraq and the fact that the United States had been “Punk’d” by his administration and Ashton Kutcher, host of the popular MTV prank show.

When it realized it had been the unsuspecting victim of the grand finale prank of the hit series and that the slowly rotting economy, erosion of all domestic programs, and horribly ill-advised wars were all part of an alarmingly well-choreographed seven-year-long stunt, America slapped its forehead, but then smiled, laughed, pointed at Kutcher, yelled, “You! You butt cheese!” and chased the Demi Moore boyfriend for a few good-natured minutes.

One element that might have helped the ruse last as long as it did was that MTV claimed that the May 29, 2007, show was its last. “By now, I think Americans might have caught on that Bush was doing some kind of Punk’d thing by this point if they didn’t think the show was over,” said a still-guffawing Dick Cheney. “This was way sweet!”

“It was awesome! Sitting in that truck watching the live feed of this one, seeing all those Americans freaking out over the budget surplus going under these last seven years and the Iraq war going real sour, dude!” gleed Kutcher. “This is the perfect coup de grâce for our last show!”

EXTRA

The Wire’s Snoop to Do Nude Spread in Playboy

In the Democratic presidential campaign debate two nights ago in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, hosted by the Congressional Black Caucus, the candidates were asked questions posed by the press. The one TheDirk offered was “What is 2+2?” This is what followed:

Moderator: What is 2+2?

(None of the candidates stepped forward to answer first, so the moderator pointed to Mrs. Hillary Clinton.)

Clinton: I’d be happy to answer that one. You know, one of my heroes has always been of course Frederick Douglass. You can ask Bill. I uh I know everything about him. Did you know he had kind of wild white hair? Also… But he probably answered this very question when he was just a young boy teaching himself math in the ramshackle library in his parents’ slave quarters. And he probably answered it as well as anyone could. Now, in my 35 years of service on behalf of–

Obama: But you’re avoiding the question. The American people need to know that you can be direct with them and, right now, you are not.

Moderator: Mr. Obama, could you answer the question? What is 2+2? Just real quickly.

Obama: Absolutely. But I don’t think the American people want to hear the same old answer to the same old questions. Do I have an idea of what these two numbers added together will be when I’m in office? I’m figuring that out. But I’ll surround myself with only the best and the brightest and the most inspired to join me in changing business as usual in Washington and in answering mathematical questions such as this one. One thing that Ronald Reagan was sort of smart about is–

Clinton: You want to be just like Ronald Reagan? Wow! And you think Reagan’s ideas are better than anything Democrats every thought of? And you want to lead a murderous cult of fanatics with Regan tattooed on their eyeballs?

Obama: Uh…no.

Clinton: Well, you just said you did! I mean…Ha! Ha! Ha! HA! You heard it, right, folks? Listen, I’ve been changing business as usual for 35 years. Come on! The question is what is 2+2! If we can’t answer that, what can we answer? And I can tell you the answer without the help of a bunch of bureaucrats. You know, John Brown Russwurm, I think I’m pronouncing that right, has of course always been one of my heroes. Russwurm, 1799 dash 1851, was an African-American abolitionist from Jamaica, known for his newspaper, Freedom’s Journal. The words “African-American,” “abolitionist,” and “Freedom’s Journal” all link to other articles particular to those subjects.

Moderator: If we can just get the answer.

Obama: Well, that’s really for the voters to decide. But hopefully those voters trust that the answer they think it is is actually the same one I think it is too. Definitely. I’m not afraid to say it. By the way, I’ll tell you one thing 2+2 is. It’s a lot less than the number of dollars we’re spending in the Iraq war, a war Hillary voted yes for.

Moderator: So you said that that is one thing 2+2 is. Are there other things 2+2 can be?

Obama: It can be up to as many as probably three other things.

Moderator: Ah ha! So can I assume you mean to say that 2+2 is four?

Obama: For? For what? For change in Washington or for business as usual? For continued erosion of our reputation throughout the world or for a return to when the United States was seen as a beacon of hope? Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we celebrate tonight, was, he was a great man and I always try to emulate him when I speak. His message of hope, his –

Clinton: He was a tremendous leader but he did need some slight amount of help to get his initiatives passed into law.

Obama: I resent that extremely racist remark.

Clinton: See, you’re using the race card to avoid the question that was asked of us. You know, one of my heroes has always been this black gentleman I don’t know the name of. And when I’m faced with a tough question such as this, I take a look in the mirror — and, by the way, it’s the type of mirror most widely used by South Carolinians, whatever that type is. There’s no other kind; it’s the best! But, anyway, I–

Moderator: 2+2, please.

Obama: Brutha! I forgot to say “brutha” in this debate so far. So there it is. I’m sorry, continue, Hillary.

Clinton: Well, I certainly will. Ha! Ha! Anyway…

Edwards: Four. The answer’s four.

(The audience applauds loudly. Clinton and Obama take note of this.)

Clinton: Four. That’s what I’ve been saying all along here. I mean ha! ha! HA! HA! HA!

Obama: I said it was four back in 2002.

We at TheDirk.com staff realized that this was not put on this site back during Christmas. Here it is now! Literally!

The following are the great (so far) unanswered jokes of our time:

– How many Pollacks does it take to make a village of 4,009 Irish forget that Italians even exist?

– What do you get you when you combine Dracula with a roasted turkey in a world where Fangsgiving is simply not possible?

– What time was it, exactly, when the unusually small elephant sat on the very sturdy gate made of granite?

– What is Frankenstein’s favorite flavor of ice cream?

–A pessimist walks into a bar, orders a drink and proceeds to gulp down half of it. He then, says, “Bartender! My drink is half empty!â€?

An optimist then walks into the same bar and orders a drink. He also, right away, drinks half of it. “Bartender! My drink is half full!� the optimist proclaims loudly (for some reason).

A humorist then walks into the bar and also orders a drink. He then begins to tell this very joke. The optimist and the pessimist (the pessimist slightly less so) are amused in their fuzzy haze of drink to realize how their situation is just like the one being described in the joke. But before the humorist gets to the punchline, he keels over dead.

In effect immediately, TheDirk is switching to a once-weekly format. No, it’s not about getting lazy and, soon, the whole site just stops. What it is is a way to ensure that the site can be as good as possible with what is posted.

It’s kind of a hard decision because the site is gaining more and more support (it seems) but it’s important that the material is funny, so this seems the best way considering the limited creative resources. (And it doesn’t necessarily mean stuff won’t be posted more frequently than once-a-week.)

So, on January 14th, please check for the new posting.

Thank you so much for reading/listening/etc.

1. Big Ol’ Thing!^TM

2. “Sobbing” - Nintendo’s newest interactive offering for the Wii.

3. Norbit DVD - includes 83 minutes of deleted scenes and director’s commentary.

4. The Norton Anthology of Threats

5. JuicyKlose - A container lid/Bartlett pear set (by Brookstone).

6. Criterion’s “Bergman Bloopers” - Criterion honors the late genius’s film career with this DVD of laff-out-loud cut-outs from all of the guy’s movies! Includes a hilarious take from “Wild Strawberries” when Victor Sjostrom, playing the doctor, stares at the fighting couple but does so in such a way that doesn’t quite get across the plight of the human condition!

7. Starbucks Reminder Card - Holiday-themed sturdy plastic card that is easily carried in one’s wallet or purse and serves the purpose of reminding the holder of Starbucks’ existence.

8. Leather-bound complete Wikipedia encyclopedia set (84 volumes and daily delivery of CorrectRight^® supplement booklets which possibly correct any false content in the original set [or in previous supplement booklets])

9. Hasbro’s My Little Pony (Not Yours)^TM

10. Harry and David’s Indeterminate Number of Months of Fruit Club membership

Go to “Gifts” category to see the worst gifts of the last couple of years, okay?