Our staff is headed to the country for the holiday. Do not try to squat in our building; the furnaces have been inverted and the cold will overtake your sleeping body.

We’ll be back January 7, 2008.

Meanwhile, see about the move to impeach Cheney here!

One of our staff riding around in his sleigh with his wife and four things

Click up in it to get the episode! REMEMBER: This can be (and is) quite crass.

‘Tis the season…for the holidays, that is! And greeting cards provide words, which are a way of conveying those holiday sentiments that just can’t be fully expressed through mere silence or acts of compassion and love. And what better words than those of our most classic songs and films? Huh?

from Dr. Dre’s song “Let Me Ride”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

from David Mamet’s film “Glengarry Glen Ross”

Click here to open up this card and read its inside

from Larry Clark and Harmony Korine’s film “Kids”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

from Todd Solondz’s film “Happiness”

Click here to open up this card to read its inside

Population of Niger Village Starving Because of the Word “Lancinating”

Dakoro, Niger - This impoverished Niger town found itself on the precipice of either being able to feed its citizens to their fill or further crumbling under perpetual drought, starvation, and an utter lack of ATM machines.

Richard Pierson of St. Paul, MN, had a chance to change the seeming fate of this village. He was logged onto his computer and had browsed to FreeFood.com, a fundraising Web site which donates a certain amount of rice, bread, and protein to the hungry for each time a user matches the correct definition to a difficult vocabulary word.

“But I got to ‘lancinating’ and I picked ‘evil’ as what it meant but that’s not what it meant. So no rice got sent for that. Sorry, Dakoro,” shrugged Pierson.

“Lancinate” probably means “to organize.”

“That’s just how it goes, I’m afraid” sighed Phyllis Olivier, founder of the popular Web site. “We have the food in our warehouses ready to ship, but people need to know those words on our site before we can just send this stuff out willy nilly.”

Because of Pierson’s wrong choice, the people of Dakaro will continue to live in hunger and die at the average age of 27. The main source of revenue for the shriveled village is loose change left by chance on the wings of an airplane and then dropped by chance just as the airplane flies over Dakoro.

“Maybe I need to make the words easier on the site, ” said Olivier. “Whatever we can do to help these people.”

This Nigerien boy will starve to death because a guy didn’t know a word

When you’re pretty much the only one left in the office (everyone else has left town for Christmas with family) and you haven’t gotten a personal e-mail in 3 days, go to the restroom and wave your hand in front of the toilet sensor. There’s nothing better than that flush echoing in the empty bathroom proving to you that you exist to some extent!

If you’re in a meeting and you hear a police siren outside:

OLD: (turn to someone, doesn’t matter who) “Hey! Looks like they’re comin’ for ya! Ha! Ha!”
NEW: “Those are sirens. Let’s wait until they pass and, Ed, if you can repeat what you said about the template.”

Bush Scolds Congress for Rejecting His “Save Our Forests” Bill

Warshington, DC - Today, President George Bush scolded the largely-Democrat contingent of the Senate for voting against his “Save Our Forests” bill last night. “All these Democrats are claiming that the Republicans don’t care. That we’re not concerned with things. But it’s the Democrats who voted against the ‘Save Our Forests’ bill. Who’s cold-hearted now?”

The “Save Our Forests” bill proposed the mandatory beating down of illegal immigrants.

President Bush at the new (since 1800) capital city of Washington, DC

Also:

Four Fans Trampled to Death in Crowds at the Cambridge King’s College Chapel Choir’s Christmas Concert

The King’s College Chapel Choir Performing “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”

“Give a man a fish, you feed him only once; give a man a fish every single day of his life, you feed him for a lifetime.” - Wiseman