Banned from Praying in Schools, Children Take to Praying on the Streets, in Back Alleys

Charleston, SC - It seemed like a good idea at the time–and necessary considering the separation between Church and State clause of the Constitution. But what are its effects on the community? First, let’s at least mention what this news story is even about. It’s about the ban on prayer in our country’s public schools—and how, not only has the ban not ended the practice, it’s pushed many of our country’s youth into the streets and unsanitary back alleyways where prayer continues to thrive outside the purview of school policy.

“We did our job. We told the teachers and coaches they can’t lead any kind of worship during school hours, on school property, or at school-sponsored activities,” shrugged Paul Childers, principal of South Shore Brill Spring High School, a small school in the fairly lame Charleston suburbs. “But look at what the results are,” he said, pointing out his office window.

The scene on the high school lawn was stark to say the least: craven-eyed teenagers, who looked years beyond their age if not for the low-slung pants, torn black t-shirts and nose rings, all on their knees, muttering to God and others of His ilk in the mud of the rain-soaked lawn. “I don’t think our prayer ban has had much of an effect,” Childers smiled sarcastically. “Except to give these kids another thing to rebel with.” As he said that, one particularly gaunt sneering student gave his principal the finger in mid-crossing-himself.

“If kids want to do something, they’ll find a way to do it,” said Lily Best, advisor at Al’s Youth Issues Think Tank. “So when you ban such an activity, it can actually backfire because the activity will not only still be practiced but be practiced without any supervision or safety measure in place.”

And, as if on cue from Best’s statement, the U.S. Department of Crime later that day released their annual report stating that prayer-related crimes have increased 47% this last year.

A teenaged punk prays in dank alley

Evel Knievel Attempts 70-Year Life Span; Almost Succeeds

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I need to see a man about a horse. For some reason, the man is in the bathroom! Maybe he’s shitting or pissing. I’ll see if, instead, we can talk somewhere else more conducive to discussing the horse, if you know what I mean.

Jesus! I need to see a man about a horse really bad, if you know what I mean! I drank too many Canfields! Can you pull over?

Excuse me, I have to go speak to a few lawyers about the viability of suing the sculptor who misrepresented me in that statue he did of me, if you know what I mean!

Excuse me, I have to go do what a stout, mustachioed, latex shorts-wearing German man would have to do when he has to go to the bathroom, if you know what I mean!

Seriously, I’ll just see a man about a horse in those trees over there. Please just pull over! That whole thing about the Buzz Saw Killer in these woods is a myth, if you know what I mean!

Great! I just saw a man about a horse in my pants! Now, there’s what-happens-when-you-see-a-man-about-a-horse all over my suit and the car seat! Why didn’t you pull over, if you know what I mean?

It’s going to be a very long process, but I need to start talks with all the interested parties now. We’ll also discuss next steps and get a road map drawn up. This may also entail quite a bit of travel as I’ll need to start reviewing the improvements to their facilities, if you know what I mean!

A terlit

Sports Journalist Doesn’t Think of Obvious Pun for Headline

Scottsdale, AZ - Derek Johns, sportswriter for the Scottsdale Lender newspaper, is beating himself up over a missed opportunity. For the Saturday edition of the paper, he reported on the lopsided 47-7 victory of the Scottsdale High Matadors over the Flagstaff South High Bulls only to come up with the headline “Matadors Win the Game Against Bulls.”

When called for comment, Johns didn’t at first understand why his most recent article was of interest: “So, what’s the problem? ‘Matadors Win the Game Against Bulls.’ That’s an amazing headline. It succinctly but cleverly says so much about the game. I thought about it for a long time.” But when it was suggested he could have, instead, topped off the story with something like “Matadors Lance Bulls,” Johns wept and hung up the phone.

Ford Recalls Four Models that Could Cause Immediate Death

Detroit, MI - Ford Motor Company announced today that it is recalling four of its 2007 models including the Taurus, the Escape, and the popular Focus.

“These four models, we are saddened to say, will explode if the driver does not put the key into the ignition exactly the right way. Please, if you own one of these four models, which include the Taurus, the Escape, and the Focus, contact your nearest Ford dealership to come pick up the car. You should not drive it even once more,” said Ford CEO whatshisname.

In that autumn of 1621, the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians gathered near Plymouth to have what is now the most famous of Thanksgiving feasts.

Up until now, researchers (and academics!) have been unable to find any record of the prayer the Puritans said before this meal. However, TheDirk.com staff found it at a library recently.

Here is the first Thanksgiving Day grace:

 

For more Puritan humor, click this!

“I was strongly considering going vegan a while ago; I just thought it was a moral responsibility to do so. But I found out that vegans aren’t supposed to eat steak.”

We’ve talked about traditional newspaper-based political cartoons. But, now in the new age of the Internet, it only makes sense to discuss the exciting new innovation that’s raising the level of political cartoon: the Photoshopped one-panels.

Let’s just start with an example from internetweekly.org:

Look at it! Ha! Ha! Ha! Rove and Gonzalez in the Keystone Cops (not “Kops,” actually) outfits!!! Now, if you thought of this joke, your simple brain probably wouldn’t even have recognized it as humor due merely to it not being funny in the slightest. The idea would have passed by almost unnoticed in the same way thoughts such as “It’s kind of cold in the office today” or “My left hand is this one over here and my right hand is that one over there.” But the person who did this panel not only thought of the joke but also held on to it and wrote it down as an idea to remember, thus making them the satirist he/she calls him/herself. And being a professional, he/she no doubt tested the joke by telling it to someone (”Rove and uh Gonzalez are like the Keystone Cops, huh?”) and, after getting the polite sort-of tired half-smile to prove to him/her that, yes, indeed, the joke is hilarious, only then did he/she commit to opening Photoshop and making this thing.

And what a thing it is! First of all, it’s very funny: This is not just a picture of Rove and Gonzalez; it’s a picture of them as other wacky vintage characters.

Also, the statement made by the cartoon goes far beyond just a few laughs, as all good satire does. It makes a statement few of us would dare make about our politicians; that we think they’re dumb. And this juxtaposition of Rove and Gonzalez as Keystone Cops does it so well. The Keystone Cops were incompetent, clumsy boobs. And that’s exactly what Gonzalez and Rove, especially, are! No one would call them, instead, calculating, manipulative, or sly. This picture is worth exactly the number of words it would take to describe it: “Rove and Gonzalez are like the Keystone Cops.” It’s difficult to measure how much this cartoon contributed to Gonazalez’s and Rove’s resignations, but chances are it had a significant, if not nil, impact.

Finally, this type of political cartoon is very difficult to pull off. For example, the panel below was made by our staff, but it did take six minutes to think of and execute.

See how it’s politicians but as”Leave It to Beaver” characters? This sufficiently meets the definition of satire.

Porn Star Scarlett FuckMyHoles Scandalized by Leak of Sex Tape

San Fernando, CA - Scarlett FuckMyHoles (real name Tina Slut), beloved star of such films as “Anal Slammmxxx 8,” “White Trash Rape at the Slaughterhouse 3,” “Put It in One of My Pores! (The Prequel),” and “Convincin’ You Women Actually Want to Do These Thingz 4,” was shocked to discover that a video she and her boyfriend made of them having sex has been leaked to the Internet. And, in typical Internet fashion, it’s now been viewed by millions through thousands of Web sites, blogs, personal computer systems, and RAMs.

“(The video) was just supposed to be for the two of us to watch and enjoy in the privacy of our bedroom. I’m so shaken by this. My boyfriend and I had a rough breakup and I think he must have let the video out as revenge.”

The video depicts various sexual acts rather graphically. “My boyfriend caresses my breast at one point and you can see it almost clear as day! I’m so embarrassed!” said FuckMyHoles, who also starred in the erotic period piece “Can We Lube Up that Pianoforte and Somehow Put It Up into Scarlett?”

“I’m ruined! My career, life, everything! Ruined!” sobbed FuckMyHoles.

Ms. Scarlett FuckMyHoles

Congratulations to one of our VPs of Marketing. NBC (and the WGA strike) has given him, an aspiring TV writer, an opportunity he couldn’t turn down: to write an upcoming episode of “The Office”! Below is the first act:

INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN — MICHAEL’S OFFICE — DAY

MICHAEL sitting at his desk.

MICHAEL

(to camera)

Today, we are having a Fart of July party. It’s always been my favorite holiday and…

New character, BRENDAN, in his 40s, real Chinese-y type Chinese and hilarious, who sits in Michael’s office for some reason, whispers in Michael’s ear. Even the way he whispers is really funny to the point it makes the viewing audience laugh.

Michael thinks about what Brendan told him and, over the course of the next five minutes, he realizes what he said is wrong.

MICHAEL

Oops! I mean Fourth of July! I thought it was called Fart of July!

Michael crosses his eyes and makes a funny face.

DWIGHT enters and comes in.

DWIGHT

No, it isn’t. It’s called Fourth of July! It’s the birth of our nation (or some other nerdy factoid like that)!

MICHAEL

Well, we made those ads saying happy Fart of July and remember how we won that contest that the prize was that we could put an ad on the Superbowl? Well, the Superbowl is tomorrow and they have the ads that say Happy Fart Fart of July! We have to stop them from running those ads for the whole world to see! And why didn’t you, Dwight, correct me when we made the ads?

DWIGHT

I will go right now to the Superbowl company and get those ads off!

Runs out the door putting his coat on really funny-like.

CUT TO:

Dwight in interview room.

DWIGHT

(to camera, smirking confidently)

I’m not worried.

(he raises his left eyebrow kind of evilly)

I’ll get that ad back from the Superbowl people in no time.

(He kind of closes his eyes when he says “attain the rank” in the next line, like an arrogant person would)

I was in the military and I didn’t attain the rank of…

(When he says, “idiot” in this next line, he doesn’t realize how that rank is a double entendre for how he’s an idiot, so he doesn’t say it as if calling himself an idiot because, again–can’t stress this enough–he doesn’t realize it)

…idiot captain for nothing! Off I go!

He runs out the door and to his car. He slips and falls on the ice in the parking lot and breaks his leg.

CUT TO:

INT. REGULAR PART OF THE OFFICE — AT PAM’S DESK THING — CONTINUOUS

PAM, whose breasts are bigger than usual, and JIM conspire about pranking Dwight, who sits working at his desk.

PAM

What should we do, big boy?

JIM

I say we prank Dwight.

PAM

Mmm. I like the way ya think! I took a bunch of art classes, so I think I have an idea…

She winks and keeps shaking her hips. The BLACK GUY shakes his head in disgust in the background.

BLACK GUY

(to himself)

Jive turkeys.

Dwight is just minding his own business doing sales or whatever at his desk when a GHOST appears out of the ether.

GHOST

Dwiiiiiiiight!

DWIGHT

(nervous)

Yes, strange spirit?

GHOST

(improvises something very funny or even hilarious)

Dwight does what the ghost asks.

Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh as we realize Pam is controlling the ghost.

MICHAEL

Okay. Everyone. Let’s have a meeting!

That real nerdy HR guy comes up.

HR GUY NERD

Michael, don’t do anything wrong. I’m a wuss.

MICHAEL

(like how Michael would say it)
Will you please stop ruining this kind of thing?

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MICHAEL

(not realizing how he’s saying something so wrong)

I do not like Jewish people.

Everyone in awkward silence. CREED slaps his forehead.

CREED
Michael, what you just said is so inappropriate! Really! I declare!

MICHAEL

I’m sorry…not!

Everyone laughs at Michael’s joke. This makes Angela put on sexier clothes than she normally wears.

The GUY FROM THE DAILY SHOW stands up and says that line from a few episodes ago that was so funny:

GUY FROM DAILY SHOW

Someone didn’t take awesome lessons.

DENISE throws a hair curler.

It’s hard to say if KELLY is in the meeting.

Michael goes back to his office. The meeting is over.

PLEASE FADE TO:

INT. WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The HEAD GUY IN THE WAREHOUSE is sitting there doing paperwork when ANOTHER WAREHOUSE GUY walks by carrying a pole over his shoulder.

HEAD GUY

Hey, you!

OTHER GUY

Huh?

He spins around such that the pole hits Head Guy in the face (for some reason this hasn’t been done on the Office yet).

A guy named CHARLES walks in.

CHARLES

Hey, can I have a job here?

HEAD GUY

Oh, you’re that one scab worker guy that crossed the picket line when we striked last year. You worked here the whole time we were on strike. I’m not hiring you!

CHARLES

I didn’t want to cross the line, but I had to.

HEAD GUY
All right. You can work here. You were such an amazing worker anyway, I heard. You thought of great things we never did.

CUT TO:

Jim in interview room.

JIM

Office life is so mundane. Selling paper is mundane. We are stuck in dead-end jobs here in suburbia. We’re going to Chili’s for lunch. The copier’s broken. And some other mundane things.

END ACT ONE