Michael Vick Scandal Massively Impacts Nation’s Economy

Value of 401k’s Across the Country Plummet as Holdings in Bad Newz Kennels Stock Bottom Out

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How is paper made?- Curious Kid in Norman, OK

Dear Curious Kid - Well, it’s quite simple, actually. After the huge rolls of newly manufactured paper are pulled into a slicer, they’re cut into sheets. “Please” write me with your science questions!

Bits of paper can be seen in this photo of utter destruction

We, as a society and all that, still puzzle over such intriguing questions as “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” and “How do you define ‘love’?” But, to give us a little confidence boost while we continue trying to answer these, here are some once-mind-bending philosophical questions that have actually become answered over time:

What came first? The chicken or the egg that that particular chicken laid?

What’s the sound of one hand patting a happy Basset Hound’s rump?

Does grass really exist?

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Hold on…What if you tie a bunch of bells to its branches and have it land on hundreds of kittens with little megaphones attached to each of their mouths?

How can you put a picture in a picture frame?

If God can really do anything, can He create a rock so heavy that He can barely lift it?

How do you define “truck”?

Three Members of Team BALCO Disqualified from Tour

Claux en Enfant, France-Riders for manufacturer of doping drugs suspected of doping, including Darron Pryce, popular octogenarian, unlegged team leader who was in 8th place.

Comedian Carlos Mencia Suspected of Doping

Los Angeles, CA-Mencia’s joke about mug handles so objectively funny that several audience members at Los Angeles club So Fuckin’ Funny’s went mad. “He can’t be that funny; impossible. He’s definitely on something,” says comedian Joe Rogan.

We got the new CompuTex RX488, which summarizes lyrics to songs so that people may enjoy the songs without having to listen to them in their entirety. The first song we ran through the RX488 card reader was Phil Collins’s “One More Night”:

ONE MORE NIGHT

One more night, one more night
I’ve been trying ooh so long to let you know
Let you know how I feel
And if I stumble if I fall, just help me back
So I can make you see

(Synopsis: Mr. Collins utters “one more night” twice for reasons unknown. Then, he tells a women he loves how he has been trying for a long time to tell her about said love. And if Mr. Collins stumbles and falls–meaning, probably, if he makes some mistake in the relationship such as cheating, or taking her for granted, or hitting her–it’s no big deal; the woman merely needs to help him back from the failure. This will prove how much Mr. Collins loves her.)

Please give me one more night, give me one more night
One more night cos I can’t wait forever
Give me just one more night, oh just one more night
Oh one more night cos I can’t wait forever

(Synopsis: Mr. Collins asks this object of his affection to please give him just one more night with her. The reason he wants this one more night is because he can’t wait forever for it.)

I’ve been sitting here so long
Wasting time, just staring at the phone
And I was wondering should I call you
Then I thought maybe you’re not alone

(Synopsis: Mr. Collins has been sitting in a particular spot for a very long time, staring at his phone. This gives him the idea that he can use the phone to maybe call the woman. But he think it’s possible she’s with another lover.)

Please give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can’t wait forever
Please give me one more night, ooh just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can’t wait forever
Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can’t wait forever

Like a river to the sea
I will always be with you
And if you sail away
I will follow you

(Synopsis: Mr. Collins will never leave this woman–the one he wants just one more night with–in the same way a river never leaves a sea. And if this sea sails away, the river will follow by, presumably, also taking a vessel that floats on the sea, which is, itself, sailing away in a boat, but…

<RX488 HAD TO BE REBOOTED HERE>

Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can’t wait forever
I know there’ll never be a time you’ll ever feel the same
And I know it’s only words
But if you change your mind you know that I’ll be here
And maybe we both can learn

(Synopsis: Mr. Collins asks for just one more night. He tells her he understands that she will never feel the same for him as he does for her, but if she changes her mind and decides to give him one more night, at least he’ll be there. And, because of that, maybe they both will, in this one night, learn to love each other and work with each other. This should make up for the fact that she’ll never love him. The only caveat being that these are only words.)

Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can’t wait forever
Give me just one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can’t wait forever

Amidst All the Building Potter Fervor, Author Rowling Privately Freaking Out Because Book Just Isn’t Very Good

Slumping San Fran Batter Bonds Admits Being “Embarrassed to Wear the Uniform”

Given Permission to Remove the Bells from His Bustle

Critics Blast World’s Tallest Man/World’s Shortest Man Handshake Event

“The Same Result Could Have Been Accomplished with Two Much More Easily Attainable Average Height People,” Says One

TheDirk will return with new “stuff” on Tuesday, July the 17, as they are headed to Lebo, Kansas for their annual summer retreat!