Paris Says Jail Term Was a Message from God to Set Her Straight, Videos Having Sex with God

Los Angeles, CA - Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters in a phone call that she believes her jail sentence is a message from God. “I have become more spiritual [since entering jail]. God has given me this chance,” the heiress told Walters, a very old interviewer.

Asked how she “spoke” to God, Paris said that they’ve actually known each other for awhile, having been introduced several years back at a party in St. Croix. “He doesn’t have a Helio or anything, so he thought the next best way of sending me a message was to have me put in jail.”

God, a supreme being that made everything, followed up his message with a visit to her cell where, after they talked some more, he set up a video camera, declared, “Let there be humping,” and “humped” her. The resulting footage is making the rounds after being leaked somehow to the World Wide Web. “I don’t know how it got out there, but it’s already on too many sites and I can’t possibly stop it at this point,” God shrugged.

Paris Hilton and God from the leaked sex video of His visit with her in jail

Hey Dr. Science-Patterson! Everyone’s telling me that “The Sopranos” final episode sucked. How can I argue with them without having to think too much? Singing Soprano in Paris, TX

Dear Singing Soprano - A good thing to do in reply to an argument where everyone is being critical of something you like is say, “Hey, but it’s got us talking though, right?” You will appear to profoundly understand the purpose of art when you say this simple phrase.

Please feel free to send me all your science questions, kids!

Tony Soprano’s mother, who was murdered in the final episode

Dr. Pepper Criticized for New “Precarious” Ad Campaign

WNBA Logo Finally Updated

New York, NY - The WNBA unveiled their new logo this afternoon at some press conference. “The old logo was, frankly, kind of antiquated in terms of how we view women and their role in society,” said logo designer Don Preston. “This new fresh look shows the silhouette of a real modern woman: a dress, a bow in her hair, arms aren’t as muscular as they were on the other logo, bigger breasts, tinier feet. Just more realistic overall.”

“Exactly, we need to stop constantly pressuring our girls and woman to live up to these ideals of pursuing the things they want to in life. And this new logo captures that. For example, we also took the basketball out of the logo. What kind of message was that basketball sending to girls? That “Yes, maybe you can play basketball too”? That’s awful. Especially, when those girls have to start learning to bake and clean for future husbands,” said WNBA president Donna Orender, whose boss is WNBA vice-president of marketing Brad Deerdorf.

The old WNBA logo, which many modern ladies found offensive

Bush Comment Untranslatable

Heiligendamm, Germany - At the G8 Summit today in the Blue Iris Conference Room at the Holiday Inn in downtown Heiligendamm, Bush seemed to express a reconciliation of sorts with President Vladimir Putin of Russia over the United States’ plan to install missile-defense systems in Poland the Czech Republic.

However, at one point during his address to the media, Bush said, “Putin….see, that’s the thing. We can’t…We can actually put missile missiles in where Pollacks are. And….if…I’m not, you know, Michael Jordan or something. I can just shoot the ball, bang, everything’s hunky okay. We agreed. Vladmere and Bush, me, agreed together to do this not separate. I don’t know what’s you’re not saw about this. I mean, you got the tie on and the uh…But. That’s what it is. Fine and simple.”

Putin’s translator, Ivan Raskalnikov, was rendered silent. Putin and Bush looked to him in anticipation of the Russian translation of what the U.S. President had just said, but they were answered only with a shrug from Raskalnikov.

“There is no way in Russian to express what George Bush said. It was untranslatable. Kind of a neat phenomenon to experience,” Raskalnikov explained later.

Plot for Final “Sopranos” Episode Leaked

Los Angeles, CA - The storyline for the final episode of the mob drama “The Sopranos” (The “r” spelled with a gun) has been leaked and can be read on thousands of blogs and Web sites throughout the Internet. It follows typical David Chase style as you can see below:

Spoiler Ahead:

The main plot of the storyline involves Soprano family captain Bobby Baccalieri’s daughter, Sophia, and her travails at summer camp. Her homesickness is accentuated by the too-recent murder of her father. She turns inward and is even made fun of by other campers. “B” story is Tony Soprano and right-hand man Paulie Walnuts recounting their childhoods as they continue to hide from Phil Leotardo.

Albert Einstein actually came up with his world-changing observations while writing his standup routines. Here’s a transcript of one performance at Yukkity Yukheimer’s in Berlin around 1905:

Hey, what’s up? You all doin’ good?

(applause, some hoots, etc. as Einstein takes the mic out of the stand, which he moves off to the side)

That’s okay. I don’t really care.

(some laughter)

I’m just kidding…I guess. So, all right. Let me get this out of the way first thing: I love how, like, everyone is all “m = (4/3)E/c²! m = (4/3)E/c²!” everywhere.

(some laughs of recognition)

Yeah, uh, you notice that people who are saying this forget a little something called the pressure of the radiation on the cavity shell?

(big laugh)

Yeah, kinda need that there, genius boy. Call me wacky. Thanks all the same. Also, is it me, or when you look at energy flyin’ around, doesn’t it kind of look like mass and the speed of light squared, like, got together and had a love child?

(huge laugh and some exclamations of “Oh, my good Lord! That is soo true!”)

Right? And if this is true, seems like the space-time interval will be invariant rather than spatial length. Think about it.

(laughter builds even bigger)

And a dude could make a bomb that, like, fuckin’ kills millions at a pop.

(laughter is almost at a scream now, several audience members are doubled over in pain, they’re laughing so hard)

This guy over here is like, (deep, dumb voice) “I still don’t get what’s wrong with m = (4/3)E / c².”

(big laugh, but coming back down from the crescendo)

So some of my buddies and me had a club together where we like, I don’t know, read Poincare and Hume and shit…

(some laughs of recognition)

Yeah, we called the club “The Olympia Academy.”

(pretty big laugh)

So, oh, check this out. Gravitation and electromagnetism, these two ultimately the same thing or what?

(aside from a couple of forgiving chuckles, no laughter)

Hey, I’m sorry people. That’s funny, I don’t care what y’all say. Yeah, so I’m freakin’ married.

(equal amount of good-natured boo’s and cheers)

No, hey, no. It’s cool. It’s cool. But, I’m sorry, ladies, guys just are smarter. They are, I’m sorry!

(predictable boo’s and cheers)

My wife came up to me when I was trying to read about the game and she’s like

(hilarious high-pitched lady voice)

“I finally get luminiferous aether! Tee hee!” “Yeah, okay,” I said. “Did you also ‘get’ that luminiferous aether is superfluous?”

(some laughs, but it increases as more people get it)

All right. That’s my time. Out.

(drops the mic to great applause, hoots, hollers, etc.)

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Why do dogs pant when they get hot? Canine CLover in Brentwood, CA

Dear Canine CLover, Hey, kids! If you frame the question correctly, you don’t have to bother Dr. Science-Patterson! For example, a better way perhaps to pose this question is “When dogs aren’t panting, why aren’t they?” or, actually, to really get at crux of the issue “Why DO dogs pant?” And an even better question is “Dogs pant because they sweat only on their tongues and need to cool themselves, yes?” This practically answers itself.