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Britain’s Knights “Far from Battle-Ready”

London, England – Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, will resign from his post on 27 June, 2007 AD. But what shall be his legacy? His economic and educational policies have done splendidly. But, even though his country’s involvement in the Iraqi war has been smooth-sailing thus far, the nation (peopled mostly by musicians, dry-witted comedians, people with monocles and tea, and amateur gardeners) grows concerned with the state of its rank of knights to which author Salman Rushdie has just been added this previous week.

“We won’t be able to enter into battle very successfully with the knights being in the state they’re in, n’it?” worried Brighton Allairs, a member of the House of Lords. “They’re far from battle ready, n’it?”

As a matter of fact, the modern-day rank of knights now seems more talented in the writing of letters and the composing of whimsical music than they are at swinging a mace or impaling with a lance or even cowering behind a shield. “Britain’s knights are indeed considered in the worst state of battle-readiness since knights began to fight England’s wars in the year 400,” said Easton Towers Professor of Olde Tyme Fighting at Oxford University. “Blair and the previous administrations’ Defense Department predictions that combat will be more rock-and-roll- or fiction writing-based in the modern era has proven very wrong.”

British Knights Salman Rushdie and Andrew Lloyd Webber would most likely be killed immediately upon entrance to a battle

Apple Hired Nostradamus to Market the New iPhone

Cupertino, CA – “Forthwith, in thou yeareth of two thousand plus seven additional annum, theyre shallt be a form of unlive messenger pigeone borne from a glowing apple that playes honeyed notes of music to the ear, allowes One to speak to another who may even bee severale hamlets in the distance, liquifys rainbows, and shall inherit all powers of quad-band GSM technologie.” Nostradamus scholars have long been familiar with this prediction of the French Medieval seer, but their efforts to interpret it had been frustrated, until now.

“It clearly foretells of our new iPhone,” says Steve Jobs, an employee of Apple Inc., the computer company that developed the soon-to-be released cutting-edge mobile telephone and multimedia player. “Although it does so cryptically, it obviously alludes to many of the features of Apple’s new product that’s coming out this month. Makes sense that Nostradamus would have written about this because it is a huge event in the world’s history.”

Maybe so, but Nostradamus scholars smell the influence of corporate America money in this one passage among all of the 14th century apothecary’s other eerily accurate predictions. Many of them think Apple was so drawn by the marketing potential of the modern world’s fascination with the mysterious Nostradamus that they essentially hired him as the first known dead-for-centuries product spokesperson.

“Steve Jobs is a smart guy. He set up a marketing deal with Nostradamus, who, through his powers of seeing the future, could easily have received messages, viewed marketing PowerPoints, and maybe even been communicated promises of compensation from modern day Apple lawyers and executives,” theorized Brenda Juggs, Nostradamus scholar at DeVry University.

But how did they convey compensation back in time to Nostradamus for his Apple-sponsored prediction? “Jobs spoke to Justin Timberlake about offering his song ‘Sexy Back’ for the prophecier’s use,” said Juggs. “Nostradamus was able to foretell the song and that Jobs and Timberlake gave him 14th century rights to it. He then played it on his lute as if it were his own song at festivals, feasts, and beheadings to tremendous adulation. It made him lots of money. He also made additional cash from people who wanted rights to use the then-new word ‘muthafucka.’”

But Jobs just shrugs at the fuss: “We have the right to market our products any way we wish and did so in an innovative way,” he said. “Also, watch for our soon-to-be-released convenient rainbow liquification plug-in for the iPhone.”

The freaking Apple iPhone to be released later this month