This Mother’s Day, get a t-shirt for your mum that actually matches her ranking! (Order now, and you won’t get it on time!)

And! Before we forget! Get our funny tees about drinking, like this one here!

The T.G.I.Friday’s Round Table is a group of El Segundo, CA, administrative assistants, public relations specialists, IT staff members, and sales associates that meets every day at the T.G.I.Friday’s for lunch or happy hour to trade quips and witticisms. These gathering have become widely known as a source of many of today’s greatest sayings and most biting observations. A few of the best-known classic interchanges–involving the likes of Todd Barnes, Brian Vellerman, and Karen McGee among other giants–are below:

Brian Kinney: (angry) “Hey, Todd! Did you freakin’ eat my lunch that I had in the break room fridge?”

Todd Barnes: “Yeah. I believe so. It had your name on it.”

Brian Vellerman: “Yeah. Sorry. But that guy cannot control a meeting. I mean, I could pull it out and start jerking off right there at the conference table during an Operations Review and he would still be too scared to tell me to stop.”

Karen McGee: “But you did pull it out once during a meeting and start jerking off!”

Brian Vellerman: “Yeah. I know, Karen. But I’m talking figuratively now, not literally. Jesus.”

Dan Stearman: “You guys wanna see ‘Spider-Man 3′ with me at Kingfield Mall tonight?”

Pedro Tample: “I don’t know. I don’t know anyone who’s liked it at all.”

Dan Stearman: “Yeah, I know, but there’s nothing else out right now I wanna see either. So I kind of have to see it.”

Cheryl Burke: “And he was like, ‘You’re so hot!’ and I was like, ‘C’mon! Give me a break! What are you talking about?’”

Maria Timmerman: “You are hot.”

Cheryl Burke: “Oh, give me a break.”

Maria Timmerman: “You know it’s true. I mean, right now, you’re wearing no top and just nipple tassels.”

Cheryl Burke: “Oh, this is all I had that was clean. And they’re really comfortable.”

Diane Oberman: “And they said the Sears Tower is, like, 20 miles tall or something.”

Chester Feldman: “I think that might be not right.”

Chris Wong: “It’s like a quarter mile tall at most.”

Diane Oberman: “That’s what it was! A quarter mile! I forgot exactly, but I knew it was something like that.”

Percy Udge: “Dude! He freaking dropped a pen right ON the floor!”

Brian Tight: “Ha! Ha! That’s hilarious, dude! When was this?”

Percy Udge: “It was last year around getting ready for the trade show. Just outright dropped that ink pen, bro!”

Brian Tight: “God, so funny, dude.”

Tensions Increase between L.A. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s Shoppers

Los Angeles, CA - After yesterday evening’s incident in which a still-unidentified young professional female told a Trader Joe’s cashier that Whole Foods seems to have a better variety of organic yogurts, tensions have grown even more palpable in Los Angeles between shoppers dedicated to the two specialty grocery store chains.

Local businesses are reporting an increase in the rash of cubicle-dwellers flashing, or “throwing up,” the menacing Whole Foods hand signs to other employees. On the streets, the practice becomes more than just a gesture. Those displaying the “WF” hand sign in view of someone with Trader Joe’s allegiances could find themselves, if not dead, at least left alone and ignored by that person.

Asked if the community should fear an all-out war between the two embattled groups—known on the streets as the Trader Joe’s “Customers” and the Whole Foods “Customers”— Los Angeles Chief of Police, William J. Bratton said, “No.” And he’s probably right…but only probably.

A Los Angeles officer worker flashing the menacing and awkward Whole Foods hand sign

“So, just tell me! You’re constantly preoccupied. You don’t talk to me anymore. Are you in love with someone else?”

“I’ll tell you what I’m in love with: I’m in love with helping my fellow man! With saving lives!”

“See, I knew it! I knew you were in love with something else! Pig!”

“And I even think that teaching poor children is pretty hot too!”

“Did you have any of those hussy charitable concepts in our bed?”

“I would have if I could get an intagible concept into a bed. But, yeah, I did some of them in the shower.”

“Get out! Get out!”

Son’s Antics During Giuliani’s Speeches Beginning to Weird People Out

New York, NY - Ex-New York City Mayor, current presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani spoke to a capacity crowd of healthcare workers this morning. But what once unfailingly delighted reporters and constituents alike during Giuliani’s earlier public life was met with confused and concerned looks today: specifically, the physical antics, funny faces, and gesticulations Giuliani’s son Andrew feels compelled to perform during his father’s speeches.

“First of all, his sheer size, now that he is a 20-something adult, obstructs Rudy sometimes completely from the cameras. Also, it’s just a little weird for people to accept a full-grown man dancing around and beating his chest like an ape while his father describes how he faced the horrors of 9/11,” says political consultant Val Miller.

Andrew also seems to have added a flourish of the facetious to his goofing around. “This new layer to his antics would kind of make sense considering he apparently hates his father,” observed political news blogger Mary Till. “You’ll notice sometimes during Rudy’s speeches, he’ll just walk up and stand stock still, staring into the side of his father’s face while he speaks–as if he’s going to murder him.”

For another wacky ad, click here.

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Why does ice float? Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear Puzzled This is a bad question. Ice doesn’t float. Let’s do an experiment: Hold both of your hands out in front of you. Have someone put a cube of ice in one and something specific in another. Drop the cube of ice. Note how it drops to the ground. Thusly, ice does not float (at least not in air; it does in water).

Please send in any of your science questions!