A classic TheDirk thing!

“Helpful hint: Use your fingers for counting! The four fingers and the thumb of the left hand and the four fingers of the right hand are perfect for counting 1 through 9. The thumb of the right hand also seems to be reasonable for finishing the count to 10.” - Wiseman

“Here’s a suggestion: make scrambled eggs and then leave them sitting out in the pan for four or more hours before you eat them. They taste pretty good. Not as good as eating them right after you cooked them, but, hey, that’s life.” - Wiseman

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Other greetin’ cards for Pitchfork critics!

The List of Those Carlos Mencia May be Plagiarizing Grows

Los Angeles - Comedian Carlos Mencia has been publicly accused of stealing material from the likes of George Lopez, Louis C.K., and even Bill Cosby. And it appears the list of unintentional writers for Mencia’s popular standup routines goes further:

“I didn’t rip off nobody. I think up all my own sh**t (shit),” Mencia retorted. But it may be hard to convince the critics as the following “riff” during the Honduran-born performer’s routine last night at Chicago’s O.M.G. So Fucking Funny club last night demonstrates: “I hate to say it, y’all, but territorial governors are f’d up mother f’ers! I mean, territorial governors are nothing but politicians who go out to the outskirts of countries and suffer the privations there in order to build up stakes and come back as United States Senators. For real, though, right? Huh?”

This joke is perceived by many who saw the show to be uncannily similar to the Mark Twain quote “Territorial governors are nothing but politicians who go out to the outskirts of countries and suffer the privations there in order to build up stakes and come back as United States Senators.”

But what sent comedian Joe Rogan, chief among those who accuse Mencia of plagiarism, to contact this paper was the closer of last night’s set when Mencia, who is tan, said, “Let me under your robes to rub the oil of olives to your loins as Aphrodite dictates” to a female audience member.

“Aristophanes? Don’t even know who that is, dude,” replied Mencia to Rogan’s accusation that he lifted the line from one of the ancient Greek playwright’s comedic plays. “It’s from the mind of Mencia, which is my mind! I’m just very religious is all. Aphrodite, Zeus, all them Olympus dudes have blessed me and my family over the years. Sometimes, I give a shout-out.”

DIDYAKNOW that Iran was originally going to give the season three DVD of The Sopranos “to the people of Britain as a gift,” but one of Ahmadinejad’s assistants suggested that the people of Britain might prefer the RELEASE OF THEIR 15 ROYAL NAVY PERSONNEL!

HEY, KIDS! DIDYAKNOW that the Easter Bunny actually DOES NOT EXIST! That’s why nothing happens at your house that should lead you to suspect that he does exist!

Drug Company Finally Frees Itself of Its Irrational Need to Always Seek FDA’s Approval

New York, NY - Pfizer, Incorporated, the world’s largest pharmaceutical company, announced yesterday or today that it “finally feels free.” Jeff Kindler, CEO of the drug company, which, in the late-1800s invented the portable bandage, says that his more-than-100,000 employees have gone through a rigorous program of sessions “to talk stuff out” in recent years. “And we realized that we were letting our lives be lead by this need we had to always be seeking the FDA’s approval all the time. Why?” Kindler said.

Kindler announced to the company that they would would begin “doing [their] own thing” immediately. And Kindler feels that revenue will soon prove that he and the company made the right decision to “say ‘bye-bye’ to those superficial concerns.” “We’re releasing so many more products to the market because we’re no longer hung up on caring what this one federal department thought of us and our drugs,” Kindler said.

These new drugs include a weight-loss solution packaged in a thick steel box as the pills are scalding to the touch, a kidney medication that “tastes sooo good,” an anti-depression capsule composed of all-natural ingredients such as opium poppy and “organic” refrigerant, and a shed for quarantining those afflicted with the flu.

Bonus headline:

A.O. Scott of New York Times Pans Paint Drying on a Fence: “I’d Literally Rather Watch a Boring Movie”

New freakin’ episode of the “Beg for Mercy” podcast starring one of the TheDirk.com’s VPs of Marketing and John Patrick Nelson. Also, The ZookeepaZ, which also includes one (1) Steve Yager.

Click up in it to get the episode! REMEMBER: This can be (and is) quite crass.