Scientist Discovers Use for Comparing Apples to Oranges

Los Alamos, NM - While testing new advancements in “reverse cloning,” scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory accidentally discovered a use for comparing apples to oranges.

“I was going out for a fruit run during a late night at the lab,” said Dr. Breshtour, lead researcher for some department at the National Laboratory. “And I axed Dr. Philips if he wanted apples or oranges. And he said, ‘What’s the difference?’ I said, ‘There’s no way to articulate that.’ And he said, ‘Then, how do you know which is an apple and which is an orange?’ And I says I says, ‘Well, one is orange, has a peelable rind, breaks up into sections; the other gots red skin and all and crunchy white insides and has maybe a slight, even statistically insignificant, better change of ever evolving speech than the other.’ And he said, ‘See? You just compared those mothers.’ And my jaw dropped. We had just accomplished something no one had in history. This breakthrough will be huge for grocery stores, fruit salad manufacturers, and anyone who has to distinguish these two fruits.”

Breshtour and Philips’ findings will be published in the Journal of the American Medical Association’s 2007 annual Summer Covalent Bond Double Ish.

We beat TMZ to this one: Marvin the Martian’s voicemail to his daughter.

Click to hear it, this thing.

Here’s a demonstration from TheDirk.com staff for Mr. Baldwin on how he could have left a much nicer voicemail to his daughter.

Click here to listen.

Mafia Name Generator Web Site to IPO

New York, NY - The nation appears ready to come out of what cannot be best described as the used, slight spaghetti sauce-scented Tupperware of the Dot-com collapse. Once again, after more than five years, several companies are poised to place themselves on the trading boards of the NYSE (New York Stock Exchange) and the NASDAQ (whatever that might stand for) through an initial public offering (IPO).

Among them this month is the Mafia Name Generator Web site (http://pages.prodigy.net/mlemus/mobnamegenerator.htm). Using proprietary technology developed through the efforts of industry-leading idea people and engineers, this Web site is able to provide a Mafia nickname per a first and last name input into the site’s Web page.

“Sure enough, it works,” reported Dr. Sanford Wang, Dean of Computer Sciences at Fordham University. “I typed in ‘Tony’ and ‘Delmanico’ as the names and it returns with the nickname ‘The Mortician.’ And that’s precisely the correct mob nickname for someone of this formal name. I’m still not sure how this technology works. It’s astounding.”

“The Web site serves an obvious need and also has so much growth potential. It’s barely touched the tip of the iceberg,” said Janet “The Abalone” Greeley, technology analyst for that financial firm where the old guy said, “We make money the old fashioned way–We earn it.” “For example,” Greeley continued, “this technology can even be used to give Mafia nicknames to inanimate objects.” Realizing that may seem unbelievable, Greeley demonstrated. Typing “waffle” into the first name field and “iron” in the last name field, Greeley clicked the simple “Gimme my fuckin’ nickname” button on the site. Sure enough, the Web site returned with “Frankenberry.”

“If they figure out how to generate a nickname for even one-worded items, this company will change the funny name generator industry. Needless to say, they’ll at least enjoy some incredible share prices and great long-term success.” And the nickname for “long-term success”? “The Delicious.”

With newfound fame thanks to Oprah, The Road paraphernalia is everywhere. Including here.

Here is another page from The Road page-a-day calendar:

Hey! Times are changing! Open your mind to these new stereotypes!

“You meet the new guy in Accounts Payable? The African-American gentleman?”

“Pssh. I know who I’m picking for my golf team. Hey, if’n we have trouble with some foreign governments, we can send him over there to negotiate. Just what we need: someone who’ll force networks to take away jobs from America’s shock jocks. Gimme a break. These people.”

“You meet the new guy in Accounts Payable? The Korean-American gentleman?”

“Oh, great! Just double-check the zip codes on the stuff this guy mails out. And now his kids will go to my kids’ school and blow the grade curve in mediocre violent screenplay class. And kill them. Gimme a break. These people.”

“You meet the new guy in Accounts Payable? The Mexican-American gentleman?”

“Oh, good! Maybe I can also hire him to come to my house on weekends and take care of our attorney-generaling. His house is probably full of other Mexicans making awesome and unique movies. Gimme a break. These people.”

“You meet the new guy in Accounts Payable? The Anglo-American gentleman?”

“Pssh. Great. I know who I’m picking for my basketball team. Now I know where to go if I want to talk about HBO shows for half an hour. Better watch out: you do one thing wrong, this guy will saddle your whole race with it for the rest of eternity. Gimme a break. These people.”

Joe Morgenstern, learned film critic for the Wall Street Journal and National Public Radio, reviews Eddie Murphys’s newish movie “Norbit.” Click this to hear.

Note how funny this movie looks

Please focus as we introduce you to the latest in our line of office supplies for the crazed! This fine desk clock is housed in the finest selection of oak and includes a vintage face with the Dark Hours covered sloppily by the likeness of hip-hop artist Heavy D as you’ve rightly come to expect in your timepiece purchases. But our newest offering also adds rapper Ice Cube and the citrus blops he emits to amplify the traditional thud waves of The Boyz’ leader. Now, when someone asks, “How are you?” you can finally reply honestly, “Here we are! Fine! Any!”

This clock is available in both dark and territory stains.

After Long Investigation, Larry Birkhead Found to Be Father of Invention

Spring ‘06 Fling with Necessity in Orlando Results in Birkhead’s Second Celebrity Child

“I was so drunk that I even thought the concept of necessity was looking pretty good. So I took it to my room. Now we got little Inventy.”

Bono Enraged with Poor Country’s Streets with No Name

Bono, during a diplomatic visit to impoverished Niger, rants, “This crap country. My limo driver can’t tell where he’s going. Get some names for your streets, buttholes! Does that cost that much? ‘Main,’ ‘Oak,’ uh… you know ‘Harvard,’ ‘Elm,’ and shit. There. I just gave you some right there for free.”