Our staff Spring Break kickoff party!

Hillary’s Win-Win Strategy - Somehow Simultaneously Keep Troops in Iraq and Pull Them Out

Warshington, DC - Hillary Clinton, New York Senator and candidate for President of the United States, announced her new Iraq strategy this morning. And she feels that it’s a plan everyone in America will get behind–and that will get her votes.

“We need to keep the men and women of our armed services in Iraq and get the job done, and I also feel we need to pull all of our troops out of Iraq immediately,” Clinton declared to the high-ranking military officials, advisors, and consultants brunching together to discuss ongoing Iraq strategy.

After some silence, Clinton was politely asked to continue describing her plan. She replied, “That’s it. We need to keep troops there and we need to pull them out.”

“How will we do…both?” one advisor asked.

“Well, we continue to fund our troops over there. Let them know we support them and that, however, we need them to stay the course and get the job done. We’ll be able to pay for that funding from the savings we’ll gain by removing our troops from over there immediately,” Clinton explained.

The Clinton campaign looks forward to the next opinion polls. As one campaign staffer said, “We figure we’ll get a nice bump from this idea. It appeals to every side of the issue. We hope to have a 97/98% rating for Hillary this next go-around,” the staffer nodded.

Clinton will appear on the 2008 presidential ballot as “Mrs. William J. Clinton.”

We thought Blake, a guy in sales at TheDirk, would do pretty well head-to-head with God (the Lord). And he didn’t do too bad. 5-1-1. Check it out:

DIDYAKNOW that, uh, the minute of 3:11 PM is the longest minute of the weekday, timing in at 43 minutes and 14 SECONDS!

One of our VP’s of Marketing, Dirk Voetberg, does some standup. Here are some clips from his performance at the Intaka Sun God Sacrifice Dayz. (Bonus! The video’s kind of crappy!)

More inspirational quotes from legendary Mt. Saint Claire High football coach Barry Murphy:

“Okay. So, the other team has some kind of mutant cyborg creature that has horns and the strength of 183 men. That’s gonna be tough. So Straka, you’re our biggest guy. You need to pull-block the monster best you can and…What’s funny? Oh, you guys were joking when you told me that. So they don’t have a cyborg. Ha ha. Very funny, guys.”

“You guys didn’t score on that last drive. Why? What’s the point of not scoring?”

“Knute Rockne popularized the forward pass. It’s that kind of innovation that leads to victories. I’m going to popularize shooting guns at the defense.”

“Don’t pay any attention to the joggers on the track laughing at us. If they have such great lives, why aren’t they carrying big wads of money in their hands and wearing a machine that rubs their junk?”

Woman Who Loudly Coughed Up Dr. Pepper that Went Down the “Wrong Tube” Sues Jessica Simpson for Copyright Infringement

Although They Admit It Was “Lame,” Al-Qaida Claims Responsibility for Richard Jeni’s Suicide Bombing

Obama Continues to Enchant, Gaining Endorsements from The American Enterprise Institute, the KKK, and Opponent Hillary Clinton

This was a thing from last year:

St. Patrick’s Day is coming up and it’s time to celebrate all things Irish for whatever reason! O’click here to check out our picture book versions of classic Irish literature!

Pyotr Rubinovich, one of the civil servants here at TheDirk.com, frankly has other pursuits in life and really only works for our Web site to pay the bills. During one of his lunch breaks, he carried his quill and ink well in with him to the break room, heated up a Weight Watchers, and wrote out his goals in order of priority:

Pytor

1. Study for the LSAT

2. Spend more quality time with parents

3. Live such that I have more anecdotes to tell

4. Take old dioramas to the Salvation Army

5. Be a little more tense

But, one afternoon, Pyotr took his pot of stew out of the fridge and one thing led to another and he was engulfed in flames. This is the list of goals he wrote while he was on fire:

1. Get…stop being in flames

2. Study for the LSAT

3. Spend more quality time with parents

4. Take old dioramas to the Rba (sic)…to the Slavation (sic) Army

5. Live such that I have more anecdotes to tell

Just a lesson how, sometimes, what you once thought was so important doesn’t mean so much when life gets a little tough.

When someone approaches you today at work and says, “Hey, did-” you don’t need to hear the rest of the question. Just say, “Yes, Gatorade did release a morning version of their thirst quencher.”

That covers everything. Gatorade has their original flavor, Rain, then Frost, then Fierce. And, finally, the logical next step in the pattern: A.M. The circuit is complete. You now have a Gatorade for each…phase/weather/fierceness unit of your day.

And thank goodness. “Nearly 50% of exercisers aren’t fully hydrated before their workout,” the ad says. Didn’t know that did you? You just sit there in the cushions of your fat, happy American lifestyle. Meanwhile, people–real people–are out there doing spin class literally feeling kind of thirsty. Well, sure, you throw something in the box once a year for Toys for Half-Dry Tots and you pledge a dollar a mile for that pushy person at work who does the Annual 5K Walk for 10K Runners Who Could Use Something to Drink. But now, Gatorade’s stepped up to do something real about this issue.

What’s so “A.M.” about this stuff, anyway? Something. That’s for sure. Let’s read: “Gatorade A.M. contains no caffeine and the same scientifically proven formula as Gatorade Thirst Quencher with flavors developed to appeal to you in the morning.” So, it’s not “A.M.” in that it perks you up with a caffeine jolt. It’s “A.M.” in that it has morning…flavors. These are apparently orange-strawberry and tropical mango. Lemon-lime, orange, mango and the other traditional flavors of regular old Gatorade tasted fine to you after your dawn workouts. How would you know they’re not morning flavors? And how would you know that orange-strawberry and tropical mango Gatorades aren’t something to be sipped from your snifter by the fireplace after a fine dinner? Gatorade just told you.

So, in Darfur, there’s nothing to drink. In the U.S., there’s plenty of water, we got past that, we went to Gatorade, that got old. Now, there’s Gatorade A.M.

BONUS: Newcastle Brown Ale’s billboard campaign

Basically, the British brewer’s new billboards show a six pack of Newcastle bottles and the slogan “With Flavor This Irresistible, It’s No Wonder They Travel in Packs.” Just a simple nice humorous twist on the hip youngsters’ social rule-of-thumb that pretty women shouldn’t walk around alone or they’ll be raped.