Maybe One of the Things from MLK’s “I Have a Dream” Speech Fulfilled Since His Death
Selma, AL - As the nation celebrates Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday today, many wonder how far the country has really come in terms of civil rights for African-Americans and other minorities since the great leader was executed. “Sure, the negroid still doesn’t have equal access to decent schools or to home-buying or jobs, emergency services, etc.,” said Sherman Whitford, president of Society For Some Rights/Against Other Rights. “But it’s only been 40 years or so since Dr. King’s death. And, before he told us, most of us didn’t even know these people wanted equal rights. So, understandably, it’s going to take some time.”
However, at least one of Dr. King’s “dreams” appear to have come true already, at least according to Dr. Farrah Flair of the Board of Social Statistics. “His famous quote from the ‘I Have a Dream’ speech is pretty much fulfilled,” Flair claimed.
The quote Flair refers to is one we all remember from history and civics classes over the years: “And I dream of a day when, call me wacky, we at least get to a point where people, I don’t know, maybe not freakin’ outright picnic under a brother they just lynched. That might be nice. Is that too much to ask?” Flair produced a spreadsheet replete with graphs and intimidating figures. But she pointed to one number: 0.4. “The number of incidents where an African-American is lynched and, then, celebrated under, whether it be a picnic or dance or kid’s slumber party, is almost at zero anymore. People really are too scared to kill a black person and then stick around. They can actually get arrested nowadays. And I think that’s a great legacy of King’s efforts.”
Throngs of Fans Sporting Style of Reggae Star Matisyahu
Brooklyn, NY - Unless you’ve been living under or a rock or live in a house and stay inside and don’t watch TV, you’ve noticed that thousands of all ages of males are wearing long beards, skull caps (known by the slang term “yarmulka”), and black jackets and pants. If you wonder who started this trend, look no further than white reggae star Matisyahu.
The bearded 27-year-old has released three CDs to increasing acclaim and sales figures. And, apparently, people now want to look like him. “Even older people and the elderly are dressing like this 20-something star who’s big with, like, college kids. Very interesting cross-demographic popularity,” said Brenda Blunt, writer of the “Pop Is Bang!” culture column in the Boston Globe. “It’s a strange style, I have to admit. I don’t quite get it and I wonder how Matisyahu came up with it. But, hey, people like it.”
And, the sartorial wave is hitting coasts throughout the world. Even in Israel, the Matisyahu look can be seen worn in even the most rural of settlements.
Matisyahu (l) and fans who’ve adopted the pop star’s look (r)
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! - Lens Lunatic from Liberty, RI
Dear Lens Lunatic - I was just in the middle of going out for a smoke but, all right, what do you want?
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Is it true that pictures are worth a thousand words? - Lens Lunatic from Liberty, RI
Dear Lens Lunatic - Yes, but a few of those words are probably “uh,” “…er,” “knowwhatI’msayin’,” or “freakin’”
A picture
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I was just wondering if global warming is the cause of the higher temperatures we’re experiencing in this country this year. - Amateur Weather Scientist from Ames, IA
Dear Amateur Weather Scientist - Okay, here’s a little question I would send to your column if you had one: “Dear Amateur Weather Scientist, How the f should I know? - Actual Scientist with Other Things to Do Besides Answer Silly Shit“
U.S. to Provide Aid to Darfur Region of Sudan with Abercrombie & Fitch Gift Card
Warshington, DC - “Speaking” to the press this morning, President Bush declared that “The United States will not sit alll around and do nothing-type of things while the people and all that in the Darfur region have all kinds of unspeakable horrors.” He then unveiled a credit card-sized piece of plastic decorated with the Abercrombie & Fitch clothing retailer’s logo and a wet gang of naked Aryanesque youths who had presumably just disrobed from the finest in distressed sweaters, cargo pants, and “Row Team 1924″ caps.
“We will be giving this gift card from Abercrombie & Fitch to the suffering in Darfur,” said Bush. “And this is, you know, worth, you know, uh…$50. So the nation can get a good pair of corduroys in its size or, heck, get whatever it wants. Who are we to say what these people should get?” Bush then said that he would personally deliver the gift card directly to Sudan President Omar al-Bashir to ensure that it gets into the right hands.
Butter Churn Industry Beginning to Worry in This Era of Store-Bought Spreads
Forth Worth, TX - Berome Tyler sells infants. But these aren’t the kind of be-diapered babies you usually think of when you hear the word “infants”; these are butter churns. But Tyler is worried. Very worried. “Sometimes progress hurts,” he laments during his traditional morning stroll through the factory floor of this, one of now only four manufacturing plants left in what was once the Sunshine Churn butter churn empire. “We used to have seven plants cranking out hundreds of churns a day. Now, we’re only down to four plants, and if things don’t pick up, we could be closing another one within five years.”
The pain Sunshine Churns Inc. feels is shared by the only ten other butter churn manufacturers that still exist in this country, who together now are only able to keep 89 factories afloat. It’s becoming more and more apparent that the era of store bought butter, margarine, and other spreads is not just an era. It’s more than an era. “Since the 1860s, when factory-made butter started showing up in stores, people have been buying fewer and fewer churns. Sales are down at least 78% since then. And I don’t see them coming back up anytime soon,” said Tyler.
Not that they haven’t tried. Sunshine Churns released its Internet-enabled iCream 14R in 2006 with great fanfare. But consumer response was lackluster at best. Another once-was powerhouse in the churn industry, Kenney Brothers, is even this month making a push to appeal to the tech-saavy consumer with its time machine/butter churn two-in-one device. But, again, today’s America is just not taking the bait.
Although some marketing experts think that the name of the product, Living Tadpoles Found in Your Stool ii, has a lot to do with the more-than-disappointing sales, Kenney Brothers CEO Brushter Kenney knows that the true culprit is simply that today’s butter eater is more and more on-the-go and doesn’t want to take the time to make their bread spreads. “I wish I could just go back in time and experience those salad days when everyone carried around their butter churns like people do with cell phones now,” sighed Kenney.
DIDYAKNOW that Eskimoes have 49 words for “snow,” many East Asian cultures have no word for “hate,” and English language speakers HAVE NO WORDS FOR (whatever the word is)!!!
1. If I Did It by Lou Gramm - In his first book, the ex-frontman for Foreigner contemplates how he would have murdered O.J. Simpson’s wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, if, for some reason, he was the person who had performed that dirtiests of deeds in 1994. “I would have done it a lot like O.J. did. That seemed to work,” Mr. Gramm states in an excerpt from this new offering by Harper Collins/Regan Books.
2. The Seiko Flauxed Pearl II Chronometer - Seiko’s most popular broken watch is now correct three times a day.
3. Adopt-a-Google® - Why not give the gift of giving? How would you answer the question we just asked? Well, for a charitable donation to Google Inc. made in the name of whoever or whomever you choose, the person with the name will receive a certificate of “adoption” and a picture of the Google Inc. research facility or sushi cafeteria your contribution helped support.
4. 12-month subscription to a mug
5. 2006’s Video Game of the Year: Gears of War - (for Commodore 64) (includes instruction manual, military style decals, 83,014 floppy disks)
6. The Brooklyn Bridge - as purchased by your naïve Aunt Trina
7. Two-liter bottle (w/E-Z Pour™ spout) of whoop ass
8. SnappY Jack!™ - What can probably be best described as a belt buckle-ish/chain of fitness clubs-y kind of thing
9. Cormac McCarthy’s The Road Page-a-Day Calendar
10. Mattel’s Beezlearuson action figure - The action figure of the always-maniacally screaming manifestation of evil, Beezlearuson, from “Dark Times,” a feature-length script someone named Perry Banker wrote and hopes to get optioned by Paramount or any other studio. Includes all 138 heads and clawed, enflamed, and mucus-squirting hands and is somehow simultaneously “revulsion personified” and “misleadingly of pleasant visage.”
