Worst Gifts of the 2006 Holiday Season!
1. If I Did It by Lou Gramm - In his first book, the ex-frontman for Foreigner contemplates how he would have murdered O.J. Simpson’s wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, if, for some reason, he was the person who had performed that dirtiests of deeds in 1994. “I would have done it a lot like O.J. did. That seemed to work,” Mr. Gramm states in an excerpt from this new offering by Harper Collins/Regan Books.
2. The Seiko Flauxed Pearl II Chronometer - Seiko’s most popular broken watch is now correct three times a day.
3. Adopt-a-Google® - Why not give the gift of giving? How would you answer the question we just asked? Well, for a charitable donation to Google Inc. made in the name of whoever or whomever you choose, the person with the name will receive a certificate of “adoption” and a picture of the Google Inc. research facility or sushi cafeteria your contribution helped support.
4. 12-month subscription to a mug
5. 2006’s Video Game of the Year: Gears of War - (for Commodore 64) (includes instruction manual, military style decals, 83,014 floppy disks)
6. The Brooklyn Bridge - as purchased by your naïve Aunt Trina
7. Two-liter bottle (w/E-Z Pour™ spout) of whoop ass
8. SnappY Jack!™ - What can probably be best described as a belt buckle-ish/chain of fitness clubs-y kind of thing
9. Cormac McCarthy’s The Road Page-a-Day Calendar
10. Mattel’s Beezlearuson action figure - The action figure of the always-maniacally screaming manifestation of evil, Beezlearuson, from “Dark Times,” a feature-length script someone named Perry Banker wrote and hopes to get optioned by Paramount or any other studio. Includes all 138 heads and clawed, enflamed, and mucus-squirting hands and is somehow simultaneously “revulsion personified” and “misleadingly of pleasant visage.”