Archive for January, 2007

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The Drinks at Donnie’s

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

Hey, Donnie here. At my fucking bar, we have drinks so come on down. W’er in Hardtown, PA, fucking here at 88th and Swock. Heres the drinks besides beer and all that

Knight Glory – Steelback Tango lager and Peeps-flavored Schnapps poured into a shattered mug and served to you by a buffoon

Sweetie Pie – A glass of fine Beaujolais poured by Donnie with a smile, he then drops the smile, rolls his eyes and spills out the wine, serving you, instead, a real drink: Absinthe, ram bullion, and hate

Dead Man’s Float – Our newest drinkscape (which means “drink”), designed to taste like a frosty root beer float but doesn’t at all. Everclear shaken with meth with whore wiped around the rim.

The # 7 – Meat slurry, rectified alcohol, coolant, and Gitmo spray-down catchings

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Posted in Donnie's | 1 Comment »

Ask Dr. Science-Patterson!

Tuesday, January 30th, 2007

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Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How many hits can a fairly lame political joke get these days on the Internet? All Kinds of Wondering in New Delhi, OH

Dear All Kinds of Wondering, I don’t know, so I had my lab assistants at the University set up an experiment in the form of the entry below this one. Let’s see what happens.

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Yukz. These Are Jokes Sent in from Kids.

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

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First of all, a correction: Two weeks ago a joke stated that a prehistoric creature is called a dinosnore when it is asleep. This is not true. The creature continues to be identified by the name it has when awake.

Here’s a new joke from a kid:

Q: Assuming “bizzling” is a term one exclaims when they wish to go on vacation, what does bacon say when it wants to go on vacation?

A: Sizzling!

Serene Michaels, 7, Barrington Hills, IL

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Office Supplies for the Crazed

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007

For our first offering of office supplies for those who are crazed, Merriam-Webster with Roget now offers their 5th revised full 3-volume set of paperback where-are-the-apricots-at reference. (NOTE: They’re Not There? Oh. Here They Are now with a picture of an air conditioner hanging off the cover!). Somehow, order this set now!

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Posted in Office Supplies for the Crazed | 1 Comment »

DIDYAKNOW? Fairly Fun Facts!

Monday, January 22nd, 2007

DIDYAKNOW the ears of crickets are located on the front legs, just below the knees…OF A SINGLE POLAR BEAR WHO’S GETTING QUITE OLD!

DIDYAKNOW moths have no stomach! That’s right! Instead, they have a blunar, which acts as THEIR STOMACH!

DIDYAF’NKNOW the Listeria monocytogenes, the largest known bacterium, can grow to a size of up to 5.0 MICROMETERS!

DIDYAKNOW chimps are the only animal that can recognize themselves in a mirror, and kangaroos are the only animal that can recognize a little bit of themselves in the protaganists of truly PROFOUND SHORT STORIES!

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Bumper Stickers that Are All Peaceful!

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

You love this here bumper sticker?

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Well, TheDirk.com staff have developed several other bumper stickers that also incorporate peaceful messages with a similar turn-of-phrase. They’re probably below:

This cruel philosophy for dealing with criminals…

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becomes this compassionate but clever sticker…

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And, this popular but degrading method of dealing with the elderly population…

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becomes another piece of peaceful sticker brilliance…

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Posted in Miscellany | No Comments »

Beg for Mercy! Another Edition and All That!

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

Here is the newest episode of that Beg for Mercy podcast that’s kind of taking the world by storm.

An announcement about piracy, “Note to Self,” a call from Visa, and a press conference.

Click up in it to get the episode!

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Personal of the Day!

Monday, January 15th, 2007
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Posted in Personal of the Day | No Comments »

J. W. Westerfield Candies

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

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Posted in J. W. Westerfield Candies | 1 Comment »

Ask Dr. Science-Patterson!

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

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Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! – Lens Lunatic from Liberty, RI

Dear Lens Lunatic - I was just in the middle of going out for a smoke but, all right, what do you want?

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! Is it true that pictures are worth a thousand words? – Lens Lunatic from Liberty, RI

Dear Lens Lunatic – Yes, but a few of those words are probably “uh,” “…er,” “knowwhatI’msayin’,” or “freakin’”

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A picture

Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! I was just wondering if global warming is the cause of the higher temperatures we’re experiencing in this country this year. – Amateur Weather Scientist from Ames, IA

Dear Amateur Weather Scientist – Okay, here’s a little question I would send to your column if you had one: “Dear Amateur Weather Scientist, How the f should I know? – Actual Scientist with Other Things to Do Besides Answer Silly Shit“

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