Hey, Donnie here. At my fucking bar, we have drinks so come on down. W’er in Hardtown, PA, fucking here at 88th and Swock. Heres the drinks besides beer and all that
Knight Glory - Steelback Tango lager and Peeps-flavored Schnapps poured into a shattered mug and served to you by a buffoon
Sweetie Pie - A glass of fine Beaujolais poured by Donnie with a smile, he then drops the smile, rolls his eyes and spills out the wine, serving you, instead, a real drink: Absinthe, ram bullion, and hate
Dead Man’s Float - Our newest drinkscape (which means “drink”), designed to taste like a frosty root beer float but doesn’t at all. Everclear shaken with meth with whore wiped around the rim.
The # 7 - Meat slurry, rectified alcohol, coolant, and Gitmo spray-down catchings
Hey, Dr. Science-Patterson! How many hits can a fairly lame political joke get these days on the Internet? All Kinds of Wondering in New Delhi, OH
Dear All Kinds of Wondering, I don’t know, so I had my lab assistants at the University set up an experiment in the form of the entry below this one. Let’s see what happens.
Treasury Department to Issue the Bush Minus-One-Dollar Bill
Warshington, DC - Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., announced today on TRL that, in 2009, the Treasury Department will issue a new currency: the minus-one-dollar bill. “Barring a miscount of his terms in office, George W. Bush will have to exit the White House in January 2009,” explained Paulson. “And we plan to issue this minus-one-dollar bill to honor his legacy.”
With the new currency, U.S. citizens will be able to carry their debt in their wallets, withdraw it from ATMs, or hide it in their mattresses for safe-keeping. In general, the way it would work is if, for example, a candy bar costs one dollar, its purchaser (or purchaserette) need merely pass the cashier two dollars and one minus-one-dollar bill. “This will be harder than simply handing over just one one-dollar bill, but not much harder, really,” said Paulson.
First of all, a correction: Two weeks ago a joke stated that a prehistoric creature is called a dinosnore when it is asleep. This is not true. The creature continues to be identified by the name it has when awake.
Here’s a new joke from a kid:
Q: Assuming “bizzling” is a term one exclaims when they wish to go on vacation, what does bacon say when it wants to go on vacation?
For our first offering of office supplies for those who are crazed, Merriam-Webster with Roget now offers their 5th revised full 3-volume set of paperback where-are-the-apricots-at reference. (NOTE: They’re Not There? Oh. Here They Are now with a picture of an air conditioner hanging off the cover!). Somehow, order this set now!
DIDYAKNOW the ears of crickets are located on the front legs, just below the knees…OF A SINGLE POLAR BEAR WHO’S GETTING QUITE OLD!
DIDYAKNOW moths have no stomach! That’s right! Instead, they have a blunar, which acts as THEIR STOMACH!
DIDYAF’NKNOW the Listeria monocytogenes, the largest known bacterium, can grow to a size of up to 5.0 MICROMETERS!
DIDYAKNOW chimps are the only animal that can recognize themselves in a mirror, and kangaroos are the only animal that can recognize a little bit of themselves in the protaganists of truly PROFOUND SHORT STORIES!
Well, TheDirk.com staff have developed several other bumper stickers that also incorporate peaceful messages with a similar turn-of-phrase. They’re probably below:
This cruel philosophy for dealing with criminals…
becomes this compassionate but clever sticker…
And, this popular but degrading method of dealing with the elderly population…
becomes another piece of peaceful sticker brilliance…
Have an Emergency in Old Sandyham, ME? Don’t Call 9-1-1
Click here to hear what happens when you call 9-1-1 in Old Sandyham.
Old Sandyham, ME - This once-small town has many things going for it: It’s high school has won the state championship in Class AA basketball for three years in a row. It’s home to www.loniandersonpretty43.com, the 43rd top fan Web site of Loni Anderson photographs and essays, and it boasts a company that sells groceries. But one thing that isn’t going for it, is its emergency response system.
“Unfortunately, when we were setting up the number for people to call for emergencies around here and shit, we found that someone–a nice young couple, don’t get me wrong–but they had already gotten the 9-1-1 phone number for themselves…and shit,” said Lou Bracca, sheriff of Old Sandyham.
Understandably, this has caused some trouble, such as massive numbers of deaths, because emergency-laden residents learn the hard way that the universal number to call for help is not so universal. “And, what’s worse, is the gruesome messages we keep getting on our voicemail. Please hang up before the beep if you call 9-1-1 and it’s obviously not the police.”
“We believe we have an easy-to-remember alternative number people in this town can call in the case of emergencies. It’s 1-900-HARDCOX. All you have to do is remember “hard cocks.” Then you got it. It is $1.95/minute, but you can’t put a price on saving a life, I don’t think. I don’t know.”
A Porsche 911; not the 911 we’re talking about in this article
Acting in the 9-1-1 call by John P. Nelson and Alison Star Locke Nelson
