Keeping You Up-to-Date with What You’ve Already Learned from Other Sites!

Rumsfeld Resigns from Kinko’s

Naperville, IL - Bryon Rumsfeld finally resigned from his post as Toner Installer at the Kinko’s in Naperville, IL. this morning. For six years, Rumsfeld has been known to severely botch copy jobs, destroy original photos he was asked to duplicate, yell at customers, and actually kill several employees by “misinstalling” color copier toner. “I would speak to him [Bryon] about these incidents, but he insisted on staying on in the job and said, ‘We just have to stay the course.’ So, of course, I supported him,” explained Katrina Wells, store manager. “There was no other option; he just wouldn’t quit.” Until today, that is. Bryon used store facilities to write his garishly-colored resignation letter and print it out on the color poster printer so that it would achieve the dimensions of 14′ x 20′. “His resignation letter depleted our budget for the year,” sighed Wells.

Colorado Defines Marriage as “Between a Man and a Pretty Lady”

Denver, CO - Colorado voters passed a ballot measure during yesterday’s voting to say no to gay marriage. Specifically, the text of the proposal stated that “A marriage is only between a man and a pretty lady, who’s all dressed up in a pretty pretty dress and has pretty flowers and is nice and sprays Pledge on furniture when it gets dusty and is all pretty.” “We felt that, since we were defining marriage in this proposal, why not really define it the way we want? Why stop at just ‘man and a woman’?” said Norman Brevor, one of the key sponsors of the bill.

“I’m not against gays per se. I just think we have to stop short of outright giving them a life that’s somewhat decent,” explained another supporter of the proposal.

Environment Uncomfortable with Packaging Company’s Moving from Environmentally-Friendly to Environmentally-Romantic

Santa Fe, NM - The environment expressed concern that Pak-Er-Up, a Detroit-based company that specializes in “environmentally-friendly” packaging for fast food restaurants, is starting to try and be more than just friends. “After we went to see ‘The Departed,’ we talked about the movie a little bit and then we said ’see you later’ like we usually do,” the environment told the press Thursday morning. “But the company stared at me a little too long. Then, I kissed it on the cheek goodbye like I always do, but this time it kind of reacted to that by…thrusting into me and trying to kiss me on the lips. Very uncomfortable and weird. I don’t know what to say to this company, and I know it’s going to call me a bunch of times today.”

“Deal or No Deal” Case-Holding Lady Mugged - Los Angeles, CA - Cynthia Pearson, one of the 26 women who just stand there and hold the numbered suitcases on the popular ABC game show “Deal or No Deal,” was mugged while strolling through Compton, CA, Wednesday night as she searched for a Pinkberry yogurt stand. “Of course, I had my case with me–the ladies are never to let them out of their sight. It was case number 18,” said a tearful Ms. Pearson. Authorities are still attempting to determine how much money was in the case. “The process is rather rigorous, however,” explained Los Angeles police officer Brett Sprill.

Authorities will need to undergo a prolonged process of elimination with the other suitcase women or whatever they’re called. “It’s tough because we can’t just have all the cases opened, of course. We have to hear the rules of the process explained to us several times via a rather talkative ‘host,’ whom we have determined is not very funny. Obvious points regarding probability are also repeatedly articulated to us throughout by said host. We have to negotiate with a person who pretends to be a banker and we also have to rely on our family members to help us proceed case by case. But we’ll get it done.” Sprill stated that the amount stolen could be as high as $300,000 and as low as $.05.

“I just feel bad for Cynthia [Pearson],” stated ABC spokeswoman Vicki Breitbach. “If it wasn’t for these women doing this job and risking their lives like this, we’d literally have to display the cases on some kind of shelf thing instead during the show.”

Heimlich Sues for Unpaid Royalties - Denver, CO - Henry Heimlich, developer of the Heimlich Maneuver, the choking treatment that grew from being a favorite party maneuver of 1970s American teenagers to being the most used in the entire world, told reporters Tuesday morning that he’s received literally no royalties from those who’ve used his life-saving invention during that last 30 years. “Want my money. For real,” Dr. Heimlich demanded. “There was one cat gonna do my maneuver on his choking wife at a restaurant. I was all, like, ‘Uh uh. Fork over some green before you go Heimliching.’ I finally got the cash money, and he starts doing it all wrong anyways. I laughed my ass off.”

Senator Kerry Apologizes for “Botched” Joke - Warshington, DC - Senator John Kerry (D-MA) finally apologized yesterday for his “stuck in Iraq” comment made during a speech to students at the Pasadena City College Monday morning. He claimed that he merely “botched” a joke he was trying to make about President Bush. “The joke I was trying to tell was a knock-knock joke along the lines of how Bush’s name sounds like the slang for a woman’s vagina. And how I wish I could fuck some bush by using my penis like Bush is fucking this country,” the senator explained. “But it just came out as ’stuck in Iraq.’”

Here are only a few of many things you can do with your memory!

- Record movies - The memory can record your favorite movies. NOTE: Memory is not, however, nearly as reliable as recording through other technologies such as DVD recorders, etc., For example, one memory user had the movie recorded in his mind in such a way that Kevin Spacey, as Lex Luthor in “Superman Returns,” had a beard similar to that sported by biology teachers and archaelogists. He also thought, based on his recording, that the movie has a decent storyline worthy of what the nine or so screenwriters were freaking paid. Review of the theater release version of the film prove neither of these “memories” to be true.

Also, movies recorded using the memory, for the most part, cannot be displayed on any playback device except for your mind and WindowsMedia Player.

- Keep a tally of those who killed your family - If your particular path in life currently is to wreak revenge on those who rode through your homestead, violated your wife, killed your children, untrained your dog, and torched your cabin while you were tending to your crops, the memory can act as a sort of “sketch book” of the physical characteristics of those whom you seek.

For an example of how this works, watch “The Outlaw Josey Wales” starring Clint Eastwood and “record” it with your memory so that what you just saw does not immediately disappear from your consciousness. BONUS: According to our memory-recording of this film, Sandra Locke takes off her clothes and makes love to a sweaty band of bad guys, one of whom is played by John Lennon.

- Without looking at a package of trail mix, know that trail mix tends to include savory peanuts - Trail mix usually includes peanuts. If you had made good use of your memory, you would have experienced a somewhat pleasant sensation in your head upon reading the previous sentence of “Yes. I knew that about trail mix.” This peanut fact could possibly come into use if you are ever in some trail mix contest that does not allow written notes.