Election Update!
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Rumsfeld Resigns from Kinko’s
Naperville, IL - Bryon Rumsfeld finally resigned from his post as Toner Installer at the Kinko’s in Naperville, IL. this morning. For six years, Rumsfeld has been known to severely botch copy jobs, destroy original photos he was asked to duplicate, yell at customers, and actually kill several employees by “misinstalling” color copier toner. “I would speak to him [Bryon] about these incidents, but he insisted on staying on in the job and said, ‘We just have to stay the course.’ So, of course, I supported him,” explained Katrina Wells, store manager. “There was no other option; he just wouldn’t quit.” Until today, that is. Bryon used store facilities to write his garishly-colored resignation letter and print it out on the color poster printer so that it would achieve the dimensions of 14′ x 20′. “His resignation letter depleted our budget for the year,” sighed Wells.
Colorado Defines Marriage as “Between a Man and a Pretty Lady”
Denver, CO - Colorado voters passed a ballot measure during yesterday’s voting to say no to gay marriage. Specifically, the text of the proposal stated that “A marriage is only between a man and a pretty lady, who’s all dressed up in a pretty pretty dress and has pretty flowers and is nice and sprays Pledge on furniture when it gets dusty and is all pretty.” “We felt that, since we were defining marriage in this proposal, why not really define it the way we want? Why stop at just ‘man and a woman’?” said Norman Brevor, one of the key sponsors of the bill.
“I’m not against gays per se. I just think we have to stop short of outright giving them a life that’s somewhat decent,” explained another supporter of the proposal.