Quick Headlines! What? Quick Headlines!
Environment Uncomfortable with Packaging Company’s Moving from Environmentally-Friendly to Environmentally-Romantic
Santa Fe, NM - The environment expressed concern that Pak-Er-Up, a Detroit-based company that specializes in “environmentally-friendly” packaging for fast food restaurants, is starting to try and be more than just friends. “After we went to see ‘The Departed,’ we talked about the movie a little bit and then we said ’see you later’ like we usually do,” the environment told the press Thursday morning. “But the company stared at me a little too long. Then, I kissed it on the cheek goodbye like I always do, but this time it kind of reacted to that by…thrusting into me and trying to kiss me on the lips. Very uncomfortable and weird. I don’t know what to say to this company, and I know it’s going to call me a bunch of times today.”
“Deal or No Deal” Case-Holding Lady Mugged - Los Angeles, CA - Cynthia Pearson, one of the 26 women who just stand there and hold the numbered suitcases on the popular ABC game show “Deal or No Deal,” was mugged while strolling through Compton, CA, Wednesday night as she searched for a Pinkberry yogurt stand. “Of course, I had my case with me–the ladies are never to let them out of their sight. It was case number 18,” said a tearful Ms. Pearson. Authorities are still attempting to determine how much money was in the case. “The process is rather rigorous, however,” explained Los Angeles police officer Brett Sprill.
Authorities will need to undergo a prolonged process of elimination with the other suitcase women or whatever they’re called. “It’s tough because we can’t just have all the cases opened, of course. We have to hear the rules of the process explained to us several times via a rather talkative ‘host,’ whom we have determined is not very funny. Obvious points regarding probability are also repeatedly articulated to us throughout by said host. We have to negotiate with a person who pretends to be a banker and we also have to rely on our family members to help us proceed case by case. But we’ll get it done.” Sprill stated that the amount stolen could be as high as $300,000 and as low as $.05.
“I just feel bad for Cynthia [Pearson],” stated ABC spokeswoman Vicki Breitbach. “If it wasn’t for these women doing this job and risking their lives like this, we’d literally have to display the cases on some kind of shelf thing instead during the show.”
Heimlich Sues for Unpaid Royalties - Denver, CO - Henry Heimlich, developer of the Heimlich Maneuver, the choking treatment that grew from being a favorite party maneuver of 1970s American teenagers to being the most used in the entire world, told reporters Tuesday morning that he’s received literally no royalties from those who’ve used his life-saving invention during that last 30 years. “Want my money. For real,” Dr. Heimlich demanded. “There was one cat gonna do my maneuver on his choking wife at a restaurant. I was all, like, ‘Uh uh. Fork over some green before you go Heimliching.’ I finally got the cash money, and he starts doing it all wrong anyways. I laughed my ass off.”
Senator Kerry Apologizes for “Botched” Joke - Warshington, DC - Senator John Kerry (D-MA) finally apologized yesterday for his “stuck in Iraq” comment made during a speech to students at the Pasadena City College Monday morning. He claimed that he merely “botched” a joke he was trying to make about President Bush. “The joke I was trying to tell was a knock-knock joke along the lines of how Bush’s name sounds like the slang for a woman’s vagina. And how I wish I could fuck some bush by using my penis like Bush is fucking this country,” the senator explained. “But it just came out as ’stuck in Iraq.’”
