Bush Strongly Denies that Iraq Is in Civil War, Bush Also Wishes U.S. Citizens a “Happy Civil War Season”

Warshington, DC - Addressing a gathering of NFL Hall of Famers and homeless fans of Daft Punk this morning at a BBQ restaurant in Tupelo, Mississippi, President Bush reiterated his belief that the situation in Iraq is “definitely not a civil war.” Visibly frustrated by the barrage of questions from the press regarding whether or not the Iraqi-on-Iraqi violence is so bad that it meets the standard of a civil war, Bush responded to one such question by insisting, “So bad? Yes, it’s bad in, what’s it, Iraq. There. And that’s exactly why it isn’t a civil war!”

However, after addressing several questions on other subjects, Bush seemed to relax, injecting some of his answers with characteristic jocularity and taking his clothes off. Finally, at the end of the alloted time for press questions, Bush seemed downright cheery as he wished “all U.S. citizens a Happy Civil War Season. Time for the kids to, what, to have their toys and egg nog and all.” He then added, “But we also need to remember to put the ‘Christ’ back in ‘Civil War.’ The holiday really should be called Civichristil War.”

Father Civil War

Comedian Michael Richards Tests Some New Material

West Hollywood, CA – Comedian Michael Richards, best known for playing Cosmo Kramer on a television situation comedy named “Seinfeld,” tried some new material Friday night during his set at The Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. “It didn’t go as well as I had hoped, but there’s no other way to test new stuff out than to do it in front of people.” That might sound easy enough, but doesn’t less-than-receptive results make it harder to try new material the next time? “Nah. I’ve been doing this awhile. As a matter of fact, I have some new stuff already I’m going to try this Friday. It’s about Thanksgiving and how no one really likes turkey, but they eat it every year anyway.”

SOME OTHER QUICK HEADLINES!

Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi Realizes After 37 Years That He Has the Power to Promote Himself to General

Either Michael Richards or Muammar al-Gaddafi

Are Kids Growing Up Too Fast? The Disturbing Trend of America’s Children Giving the Finger while Somersaulting

Starbucks to Open 2,400 New Locations in 2007

SEATTLE, WA – Yeah, seriously. Two thousand and f’ing four hundred more Starbucks places in 2007.

Logo of Starbucks, which plans to ultimately be the world’s only seller of coffee, which the company will rename “Starbucks Juice.”