We apologize that it has taken this long to tally the surveys you all filled out to nominate the most confusing mud flaps. But we’ve finally done so and we are proud to reveal the 15th place taker:

“If you told me 15 years ago that people would be able to put their entire music collection on a device the size of a credit card, and you did it in that funny Yoda voice you do, I would have laughed.” - Wiseman

This fall, the Independent Film Channel is all up in our grill–figuratively!–with some exciting original programming. That original programming we just mentioned includes the following:

Finally, Dirkipedia has an article on Chuck Yeager! Thank you for bearing with us as we slowly gather all the knowledge in the world.

Click here to read the Dirkipedia article on Chuck Yeager!

Hey, kids!

How are these two pictures different? Look closely!

ANSWER: It seems like the shape of the face in “B” is rounder. The eyebrows are a little different, too. Some other things as well.

President’s Upward Move in Polls Attributed to “Campy” Effect

Warshington, DC - In recent weeks, President George W. Bush of the United States (previously the British Colonies of North America) has seen his approval ratings finally move in a positive direction. Recuperating from a low of 36%, the figure has now taken flight like a nude woman with wings to 44%. But the question on the lips of the Warshington establishment is…why?

According to another poll of 17 million Americans adminstered by humor Web site and solutions enabler TheDirk.com, much of the stronger approval numbers is thanks to the “campy” effect—-that which draws otherwise discriminating consumers to bad films, sterile 50s television shows, or the dizzying color and overwrought promises of old advertisments.

“He’s so bad, it’s funny!” exclaimed marketing specialist Jeri Timmerman about the president. “We used to watch like ‘Showgirls’ and ‘Three’s Company’ to get our dosage of camp, but George is really doing the campiness thing for us now. I know he could cause the death of thousands of Americans, but that’s part of the charm, you know? I approve of him.”

Dr. Minnie of a scientific institute of some kind explained that, with just the sheer passing of time, major segments of the population who disapproved of Bush “get it now.” “Many people were stuck in this idea that the only way of judging the president was linearly, through how well he does the job he was selected for, how well he leads, how he does or does not destroy our country’s reputation throughout the Earth, that sort of thing. But they are finding that there is something else to appreciate in, actually, how poorly he performs. How a human could be so wretched but be earnest and think he’s of high quality. He’s very fun to watch during parties. My ‘Schoolhouse Rock’ DVDs had to make way for my Bush bloopers tapes.”

Here are some of the great jokes and bits from Bretton’s classic stand-up routines from last year:

“See, now girls. Girls can go to a club and they’ll be like ‘We’re at the club. But it’s not like a club as in a clubhouse. It’s a club as in a dance club.’ Then, they’ll continue to talk as follows: ‘Let’s dance by ourselves! We don’t need male counterparts!’ And they’ll dance in a circle with their purses in the middle. But males. Males would never just dance with other males. Right, males? Could you imagine? ‘Hey, males! Let’s dance by ourselves! We don’t need girls!’ Then they’d dance in a circle. It wouldn’t be that weird, but kind of, right?”

“What if peaches had a rind you had to peel? You’d be like, ‘Yes, I’d like a peach, please!’ Then you’d have to stand there (or sit there) peeling it!”

“Uh…I don’t know. Are you with me here? I love how they call that thing you put a picture or painting in a ‘frame.’ Yeah. Exactly. ‘Why yes. I would like to frame my picture of Aunt Lou for a crime it didn’t commit, thank you very much.’ I mean, right? Or ‘How would I frame my picture, meaning how, in the same way that I frame my argument, would I frame my picture?’ Doesn’t make sense, right? Stop calling that thing you put your pictures in a frame!”

“This guy at work. He’s all…oh, what’s the word…just like all smirky. Like he knows everything. Talks about books and politics. But he…he won’t…he tried to ask Iliana out and he was saying all these compliments and…I don’t know…it was just the way he did it that was just weird, almost funny.”

Pulls out some terra (i.e., dirt) from a suitcase, duffle, or some other container. Says, “Here is some terra!” Then, pulls out an irrific (with the help of an audience member). He holds it up side-by-side with the terra and says, “Together these two things are terra-ific! Literally!”

Bretton: “What was…Did you see that ‘My Name Is Earl’ where the woman…”

Audience: “Which woman? The dark-haired one or the main one, Joy?”

Bretton: “Yeah. Her. Joy. But she…so she is making spaghetti for her kids and…she’s saying this stuff to Earl…and she pours on this really bad looking sauce onto the spaghetti. Or…I don’t know…”

Audience: “She squirts ketchup on the spaghetti instead of sauce. That’s what was funny about it.”

“So, I bought some instant water. I read the instructions and it just said “add water.” Wait…No. That’s not right. Why would I buy instant water if I already had the water to add to it? Crap. What’s the joke? Sorry. I’m not remembering this joke right. I’m a little off…a lot of people in my family died today.”

“Why are spacemen always wearing those helmets when they’re in space? Do they really need those things? I mean, imagine if everybody wore helmets to work! I’d be like putting something in a filing cabinet with my space helmet on.”

Motorola Announces New Bigger Cellular Phone Design

Schaumburg, IL - Edward Zander, the person with the highest job title at Motorola, announced today that his company would be launching its newest cellular phone model to the marketplace this fall. Consumers will undoubtedly be excited to find that the RAZR-V4 is even bigger than its very popular predecessor. “Our incredibly talented engineering staff found a way to provide the same amount of communication capabilities that our previous phones have offered, but with a bigger footprint,” said Zander. “I don’t know how they keep finding ways to make bigger phones, but, hey, that’s their job. I just make sure they get paid,” joked Zander.

Industry analysts predict the new Motorola offering is exactly what the American phone-caller/answerer wants: “Americans want bigger. Bigger cars, bigger houses, bigger muscles. Zander and his team once again found a way to make an even bigger phone. Brilliant,” said phone analyst Bryson Daniels-Prinn. Zander also hinted that Motorola’s development is not stopping there. “We are always striving. We never rest on our laurels or relax too much with success. Drinking and sitting on the toilet while time ticks by or spending too much time eating peanut butter off of bent, crappy spoons. No, we keep going. As a matter of fact, our engineers are confident that, within five years, the American consumer will be able to purchase a Motorola phone that has to be carried in two separate rolling cases and cannot be feasibly lifted to the ear or to the organ we use to speak.”

Motorola’s previous phone model, the RAZR-V3, is considered too small by many consumers

A stovetop, which is not part of the demographic Motorola typically markets to